I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found
the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Jason Braemore. Could I please speak with Rachel Carter?”
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me - I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so
I tracked down Rachel’s correct number and called her - I had transposed the last two
digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the “wrong”
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re a scumbag!” and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word “scumbag” next to it, and put it on my speed dial.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up
and yell, “You’re a scumbag!” It always cheered me up!
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic “scumbag” calling would have to
stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with the Caller ID program?”
He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a scumbag!”
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black
BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and
yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first scumbag, I thought I had better call
the BMW scumbag too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1969 West 35th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right
out in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hanson,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Don, you’re a scumbag.”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had
two scumbags to call
But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I
came up with an idea. I called Scumbag #1
“You’re a scumbag!” (But I didn’t hang up
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hanson.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Scumbag, I live at 1969 West 35th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, scumbag.”
Then I called Scumbag #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, scumbag,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are, I’ll…”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, scumbag, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1969 West 35th
Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called CKVU Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 35th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 35th Street.
There I saw two scumbags beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a
police helicopter, and news crew.
Now I feel a lot better
Stress makes you stupid. - Unknown
Nature is cheaper than therapy. - M P Zarrella
Anger blows out the candle of the mind. - Robert G Ingersoll
The greatest remedy for anger is delay. - Thomas Paine
Whining is anger through a small opening. - Al Franken
Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. - David Mamet
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - Steven Wright
Competition is a rude yet effective motivation. - Toba Beta
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. - Kin Hubbard
If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel. - Unknown
Anger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one. - Benjamin Franklin
Stress should be a powerful driving force, not an obstacle. - Bob Phillips
Management is a practice where art, science, and craft meet. - Henry Mintzberg
Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on. - Alice Miller
We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. - David Mamet
Anger must be the energy that has not yet found its right channel. - Florida Scott-Maxwell
Whoever incites anger has a strong insurance against indifference. - Philip Stanhope
Too much homework can cause stress, depression and even lower grades. - Unknown
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. - Richard Lewis
Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness. - Richard Carlson
Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. - Natalie Goldberg
Chocolate is cheaper than therapy, and you don't need an appointment. - Unknown
A diamond is just a piece of coal that handles stress exceptionally well. - Unknown
You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger. - Buddha
Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf. - Gene Perret
Most stress is caused by people who overestimate the importance of their problems. - Michael LeBoeuf
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work. - Peter F Drucker
Man should not try to avoid stress any more than he would shun food, love, or exercise. - Hans Selye
The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman
Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge. - E G Bulwer-Lytton
Charity is not like feeding pigeons in the square. It is a process that requires professional management. - Roman Abramovich
The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present. - Barbara de Angelis
The child should gain no request by anger; when he is quiet let him be offered what was refused when he wept. - Seneca
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. - Mark Twain
Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did. - P.J. O'Rourke
I'm not just retiring from the company, I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron. - Hartman Jule
Forgiveness is the economy of the heart. Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits. - Hannah More
Keep your sense of humor. There's enough stress in the rest of your life to let bad shots ruin a game you're supposed to enjoy. - Amy Alcott
The paradigm of treating menopause symptoms with the lowest effective dose of hormone therapy, for the shortest period necessary, is very sensible. - Hugh Taylor
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