[A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies...]
1. Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. Can you hear me NOW?
4. Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!
5. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
6. You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.
7. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?
8. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do The Hokey Pokey....
9. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
10. If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!
11. Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
12. You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?
13. Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Maternity Hospital: An heirport - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Caring is the essence of nursing. - Jean Watson
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
An operation of the most extreme daring. - Alfred Jodl
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors. - Gerhard Kocher
Whether a person is a male or female, a nurse is a nurse. - Gary Veale
About half my time is spent on business operation type stuff. - Mark Zuckerberg
A nurse will always give us hope, an angel with a stethoscope. - Terri Guillemets
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation. - Irvin S Cobb
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. - Graham Norton
A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
We go by the major vote, and if the majority are insane, the sane must go to the hospital. - Horace Mann
I have had my television aerials removed. It is the moral equivalent of a prostate operation. - Malcolm Muggeridge
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon. - Kurt Vonnegut
I see God in every human being. When I wash the leper's wounds, I feel I am nursing the Lord himself. Is it not a beautiful experience? - Mother Teresa
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
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