[A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies...]
1. Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. Can you hear me NOW?
4. Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!
5. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
6. You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.
7. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?
8. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do The Hokey Pokey....
9. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
10. If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!
11. Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
12. You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?
13. Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. - Henny Youngman
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett
The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic. - Joanna Lumley
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for. - James H. Boren
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon. - Kurt Vonnegut
I see God in every human being. When I wash the leper's wounds, I feel I am nursing the Lord himself. Is it not a beautiful experience? - Mother Theresa
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic. - Bill Maher
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Doctor’s Flat Examination
Exhausting Gyne Work
German Flatulence Control
I Will Never Understand Fashion
Family Planning Advice
Cracks Me Up
Anger Release Machine
Palm Sunday Social Distancing Service
Yoga's Balanced Lifestyle
Gift Shop for Stray Kids
Souped Up Car