Canadian Joe-ks, eh!
Canadian secret: how to keep bacon from curling in the pan...

Q: How do snowmen make their beds?
A: With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

Q: How do snowmen travel around?
A: By icicle.

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Q: How do you get milk from a polar bear?
A: Raid its fridge and run like mad.

Q: How do you keep a grizzly bear from charging?
A: Take away its credit cards.

Q: How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
A: Take away their little brooms.

Q: How do you kiss a hockey player?
A: Puck-er up…

Q: How do you know if you have a tough mosquito?
A: You slap him and he slaps you back.

Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: Take away her housecoat.

Q: How do you spell Canada?
A: C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?

Q: How does Wayne Gretzky stay cool?
A: He sits next to his fans.

Q: How many feet does a moose have?
A: Six – forelegs at the front, and two at the back.

Q: How many seasons does Saskatchewan have?
A: Two – six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

Q: If a man was born in France, then raised in England, moved to Canada and died in Alberta, what is he?
A: Dead.

Q: If a plane crashes on the U.S./Canada border, where does the law require the survivors to be buried?
A: Nowhere, silly – you don’t bury survivors!

Q: If a toonie and a loonie were on the Calgary Tower, which would jump off first?
A: The loonie, because it has less cents.

Q: If you’re Canadian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?
A: European.

Skating Coach: “Did anyone laugh when you fell down?”
Skater: “No, but the ice made some awful cracks.”

Q: What is a mosquito’s favourite sport?
A: Skin-diving.

Q: What bird gasps and pants on Newfoundland’s coast?
A: A puffin.

Q: What did the Canada goose say when she saw a plate of scrambled eggs?
A: “What a bunch of crazy, mixed-up kids!”

Q: What did the Canadian flag say to the pole?
A: Nothing – it just waved.

Q: What did the man put on his car when the weather was cold?
A: An extra muffler.

Q: What did the man say when his neighbour finished building his igloo?
A: “That’s an ice house you have there!”

Q: What do hockey players and magicians have in common?
A: Both do hat tricks.

Q: What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A: Ice caps.

Q: What do you call a dog that sits in a snowdrift?
A: A chili dog.

Q: What do you call a polar bear with no socks on?
A: Bear-foot.

Q: What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?
A: Frost bite.

Q: What do you get when you cross a groundhog with a Maple Leaf?
A: Six more weeks of hockey.

Q: What do you get when you put a chicken on top of the CN Tower?
A: Beacon and eggs.

Q: What does Canada produce that no other country produces?
A: Canadians.

Q: What goes all around a hockey rink but never moves?
A: The boards.

Q: What happened when the icicle landed on the girl’s head?
A: It knocked her cold.

Q: What happened when the snowgirl broke up with the snowboy?
A: She gave him the cold shoulder.

Q: What has antlers and sucks blood?
A: A moose-quito.

Q: What has one hump, is brown and wanders Nunavut?
A: A lost camel.

Q: What has six legs, bites and talks in code?
A: A morse-quito.

Q: What insects love math class?
A: Mosquitoes – they add to misery, subtract from pleasure, divide your attention and multiply quickly.

Q: What is big and white and found in Vancouver?
A: A lost polar bear.

Q: What is plowed by never planted?
A: Snow.

Q: What is the Canada goose’s favourite TV show?
A: The feather report.

Q: What is the difference between a beaver and a chainsaw?
A: Eighty trees an hour.

Q: What is the hardest part about skating?
A: The ice – when you get right down to it.

Q: What is the messiest sport played in Canada?
A: Basketball, because the players dribble on the floor.

Q: What kind of bears like to go out in the rain?
A: Drizzly bears.

Q: What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A: A snowball.

Q: What two letters of the alphabet do snowmen prefer?
A: I.C.

Q: What would you do if the country was flooded?
A: Drink Canada Dry.

Q: What’s in the middle of Alberta?
A: The letter E.

Q: What’s the best lake in Canada?
A: Lake Superior.

Q: What’s the scariest lake in Canada?
A: Lake Erie.

Q: What’s the smartest province?
A: Newfoundand and Labrador, because it has four As and a B.

Q: When is a canoe like a heap of snow?
A: When it’s adrift.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North poll.

Q: Where do snowmen go to dance?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In a snow bank.

Q: Where does a 300-kilo grizzly bear sit?
A: Anywhere it wants to.

Q: Who does a dog quarterback throw to?
A: A Labrador receiver.

Q: Who succeeded Canada’s first Prime Minister?
A: The second one.

Q: Why did the boy climb up a tree with his hockey stick?
A: Because he wanted to play with the Maple Leafs.

Q: Why did the buffalo cross the road?
A: It was the chicken’s day off.

Q: Why did the Canada goose run onto the soccer field?
A: Because the referee called a foul.

Q: Why did the duck cross the road?
A: Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida.

Q: Why did the lobster cross the road.
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the mosquito go to the dentist?
A: To improve his bite.

Q: Why did the otter cross the road?
A: To get to the otter side.

Q: Why did the rancher ride his horse?
A: Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

Q: Why did the rancher take his cow to the vet?
A: Because she was moooooody.

Q: Why do polar bears wear fur coats?
A: Because they would look silly in ski jackets.

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: If they lived near the bay, they’d be bagels.

Q: Why do skeletons hate winter?
A: Because the wind goes right through them.

Q: Why is the snow easier to understand than any other weather?
A: Because you can catch the drift.

Did you hear about the guy who just flew in from St. John’s?
Boy, were his arms tired!

Did you hear the one about the camper who lit a fire in his boat and had to swim ashore when it sank?
It just goes to show, you can’t have your kayak and heat it too!

Jeff: “Where were you born?”
Sheamus: “Nova Scotia.”
Jeff: “What part?”
Sheamus: “All of me!”

Sheamus: “Come on, Jeff – hurry up!”
Jeff: “I’m rushin’, I’m rushin’!”
Sheamus: “That’s funny – I thought you were Canadian!”

Sheamus: “Great news! The teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.”
Jeff: “What’s so great about that?”
Sheamus: “It’s snowing!”

Julie: “Have you lived in British Columbia all your life?”
Amanda: “Not yet.”

Julie: “How many feet does a moose have?”
Sheamus: “Six – forelegs at the front, and two at the back.”

Sheamus: “My teacher was mad at me because I don’t know where the Rockies are.”
Mom: “Well, next time remember where you put things!”

Teacher: “How do you spell Saskatchewan?”
Sheamus: “The province or the river?”

Teacher: “Name the first settler in the West.”
Sheamus: “The Sun.”

Teacher: “Where was the British North America Act signed?”
Sheamus: “At the bottom.”

Teacher: “Why did the Canadian voyageurs cross the country in canoes?”
Sheamus: “They didn’t want to wait 150 years for a train.”

Teacher: “Why do birds fly south for the winter?”
Sheamus: “Because it’s too far to walk.”

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife", answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"
"Sure, it's easy," replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."
The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him, "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied, "Qu'est-ce que vous avez, monsieur?"

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades...
The Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.