My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ounce.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s name.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
Money doesn't talk, it swears. - Bob Dylan
A fool and his money are soon elected. - Will Rogers
Virtue was never as respectable as money. - Mark Twain
The rich are different - they have more money. - Ernest Hemingway
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. - Steven Wright
Wind to a sailor is what money is to life on shore. - Sterling Hayden
Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Saying
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. - WC Fields
Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty. - Leo Rosten
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? - Unknown
I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. - Joe Louis
Those have a short Lent who owe money to be paid at Easter. - Benjamin Franklin
Enjoy money while you have it. Shrouds don't have pockets. - Virginia Esberg
I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet. - Carrie Bradshaw
Business? It's quite simple. It's other people's money. - Alexandre Dumas
I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow. - Woodrow Wilson
I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive. - Henry Miller
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. - John Kenneth Galbraith
Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark? - Steven Spielberg
The more money an American accumulates, the less interesting he becomes. - Gore Vidal
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
If we were interested in making money, we wouldn’t have become teachers. - Robin Williams
With money in your pocket, you are wise and you are handsome - and you sing well too. - Yiddish Proverb
The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. - Kin Hubbard
Never work just for money or power. They won't save your soul or help you sleep at night. - Marian Wright Edelman
The only reason I'm in Hollywood is that I don't have the moral courage to refuse the money. - Marlon Brando
If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money. - Abigail Van Buren
Consultants are people who borrow your watch and tell you what time it is, then walk off with the watch. - Robert Townsend
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. - Ernest Haskins
All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one. - Homer Simpson
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks. - Barrymore
Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman
With the changing economy, no one has lifetime employment. But community colleges provide lifetime employability. - Barack Obama
The only security men can have for their political liberty, consists in keeping their money in their own pockets. - Lysander Spooner
I've no interest on initiating a fashion trend on Coruscant or anywhere else. I simply want a uniform that fits. - James Luceno
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing
Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements
Street League Skateboarding is the premier professional skateboarding league in the world, with the biggest prize money in history. - Rob Dyrdek
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." - Steven Wright
NEED now means wanting someone else's money. GREED means wanting to keep your own. COMPASSION is when a politician arranges the transfer. - Joseph Sobran
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