My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ounce.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s name.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
Support the right to arm bears. - Unknown
Private jets cost a lot of money. - Donald Trump
Nobody every lost money taking a profit. - Bernard Baruch
No man's credit is as good as his money. - Ed Howe
Don't marry for money; divorce for money. - Wendy Liebman
If you marry for money you will earn every penny. - Dr. Phil McGraw
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo. - Groucho Marx
Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Saying
A father carries pictures where his money used to be. - Steve Martin
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. - WC Fields
Character is the root of the tree; conduct, the fruit it bears. - E.M. Bounds
I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow. - Woodrow Wilson
The only point in making money is, you can tell some big shot where to go. - Humphrey Bogart
I don't think about financial success as the measurement of my success. - Christie Hefner
The flood of money that gushes into politics today is a pollution of democracy. - Theodore White
Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money and power and influence. - Henry Chester
Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out: I bought myself a happy meal. - Paul F Taylor
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it. - Jay Leno
At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono
Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is, I don't know which half. - John Wannamaker
Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right. - Kurt H Adler
Gorilla tourism is vital to Rwanda's economy: It's the third highest source of income. - Andy Serkis
Every two months, I would get an email, 'Skeleton Twins update: still don't have the money!' - Bill Hader
When I was young, I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is. - Oscar Wilde
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks. - Barrymore
We are going as fast as we can as soon as we can. We're in a race against time, until we run out of money. - Jack Nicholson
The vine bears three kinds of grapes: the first of pleasure, the second of intoxication, the third of disgust. - Diogenes
I don't make deals for the money. I've got enough, much more than I'll ever need. I do it to do it. - Donald Trump
Work like you don't need the money, dance like no one is watching, and love like you've never been hurt. - Mark Twain
Anything which is physically possible can always be made financially possible; money is a bugaboo of small minds. - Robert A. Heinlein
No one has yet had the courage to memorialize his wealth on his tombstone. A dollar mark would not look well there. - Corra May Harris
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. - Jim Bishop
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. - Joan Rivers
We are all born with a grab bag on gifts and gaps. Identify your true talents, then find out how to use them to make money. - Bill O'Reilly
Economy is going without something you do want in case, perhaps, you should someday want something you probably won't want. - Anthony Hope
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine; something Brussels Sprouts never do. - P.J. O'Rourke
Money isn't the most important thing in life, but it's reasonably close to oxygen on the "gotta have it" scale. - Zig Ziglar
What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. - Bob Dylan
The politicians in Washington are spending trillions of dollars of our money. When are Americans going to stand up and say enough is enough? - Joe Wurzelbacher
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