12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Kind words cost nothing. - Unknown

A fool and his money are soon elected. - Will Rogers

Stocks do not move unless they are pushed. - S Jay Levin

Money won is twice as sweet as money earned. - Martin Scorsese

The cost of living is high, but it's worth it. - Unknown

Fidelity bought with money can be overcome by money. - Seneca

Experience teaches slowly, and at the cost of mistakes. - James A. Froude

Money does not make you happy but it quiets the nerves. - Sean O Casey

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. - Kathleen Norris

If only Bapu knew the cost of setting him up in poverty! - Sarojini Naidu

A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart. - Jonathan Swift

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. - Irving Fisher

If a little money does not go out, great money will not come in. - Chinese Proverb

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. - J Paul Getty

Yachting: standing in a cold shower tearing up hundred-dollar bills. - Unknown

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark? - Steven Spielberg

Invest in the human soul. Who knows, it might be a diamond in the rough. - Mary McLeod Bethune

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. - Will Rogers

Like the cosmetics industry, the securities business is engaged in selling illusion. - Paul Samuelson

If you don't know who you are, the stock market is an expensive place to find out. - George Goodman

Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops - let the rain sing you a lullaby. - Langston Hughes

Money itself doesn't interest me. But you must make money to go on building the business. - Rupert Murdoch

In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. - David Letterman

Keep your eye out for hot topics and trends. The media is constantly looking for timely stories. - Jim Kukral

I'm proud to be paying taxes. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money. - Arthur Godfrey

The man who leaves money to charity in his will is only giving away what no longer belongs to him. - Voltaire

Bathtubs are the epitome of luxury. Either you have no money to own one or you have no time to use one. - Akilnathan Logeswaran

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. - Bill Vaughan

Why does not the Pope build St. Peter's with his own money, rather than with the money of poor believers? - Martin Luther

Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game. - Donald Trump

Keeping books on social aid is capitalistic nonsense. I just use the money for the poor. I can't stop to count it. - Evita Peron

Tooth decay was a perennial problem that meant a mouthful of silver for patients, and for dentists a pocketful of gold. - Claudia Wallis

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. - Bob Dylan

Only when the last tree has withered, and the last fish caught, and the last river been poisoned, will we realize we cannot eat money. - Cree Proverb

The cost of oblivious daydreaming was always this moment of return, the realignment with what had been before and now seemed a little worse. - Ian McEwan

NEED now means wanting someone else's money. GREED means wanting to keep your own. COMPASSION is when a politician arranges the transfer. - Joseph Sobran

A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. - Bill Vaughan


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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28-Feb-2020