12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Money is just an idea. - Robert T. Kiyosaki

Love is the only gold. - Alfred Tennyson

A TV licence is a licence to print money. - Roy Thomson

Yacht: a floating box you throw money into. - Unknown

I find all this money a considerable burden. - J Paul Getty

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. - Steven Wright

Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Saying

Experience teaches slowly, and at the cost of mistakes. - James A. Froude

Print some money and give it to us for the rain forests. - Vivienne Westwood

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. - Bob Hope

Government always finds a need for whatever money it gets. - Ronald Reagan

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. - Steven Wright

Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible. - Samuel Goldwyn

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. - Oscar Wilde

I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive. - Henry Miller

I can remember way back when a liberal was generous with his own money. - Will Rogers

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. - Gertrude Stein

One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you’re making too much money. - Robin Williams

I don't follow trends. I make each cake for a particular wedding, or event. - Ron Ben-Israel

It's not about money. It's about the people you have, and how you're led. - Steve Jobs

If more of us cared about food and home above gold, this world would be a merrier place. - Bilbo Baggins

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. - Milton Berle

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke

Money can't buy happiness. But, it can buy a chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing. - Hanako Ishii

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired, and get paid just enough money not to quite. - George Carlin

Beware of those who would pay you lip service but refuse to put their money where their mouths are. - Faydra D. Fields

When a fellow says, 'It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,' it's the money. - Kin Hubbard

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. - Ernest Haskins

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. - Bill Vaughan

People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams. - Norman Cousins

Anything which is physically possible can always be made financially possible; money is a bugaboo of small minds. - Robert A. Heinlein

If you put all your strength and faith and vigor into a job, and try to do the best you can, the money will come. - Lawrence Welk

Always remember money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense. - Earl Wilson

Tooth decay was a perennial problem that meant a mouthful of silver for patients, and for dentists a pocketful of gold. - Claudia Wallis

I've never sought success in order to get fame and money; it's the talent and the passion that count in success. - Ingrid Bergman

Modern poets talk against business, poor things, but all of us write for money. Beginners are subjected to trial by market. - Robert Frost

Finance functions lose the potential to steer their organizations to success when they defer performance management to other functions. - Jack Alexander

NEED now means wanting someone else's money. GREED means wanting to keep your own. COMPASSION is when a politician arranges the transfer. - Joseph Sobran

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. - Will Rogers


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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09-Aug-2020