12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Money is just an idea. - Robert T. Kiyosaki

Every cloud has a silver lining. - Proverb

Financial Dilemma: A bill pickle - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Money doesn't talk, it swears. - Bob Dylan

Too much money ain't enough money. - Lil Wayne

The love of evil is the root of all money. - American Proverb

All money is tainted, tain't none of it mine. - Thomas F. McGuire

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty. - Leo Rosten

Government always finds a need for whatever money it gets. - Ronald Reagan

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. - Steven Wright

The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes. - Amy Grant

Business? It's quite simple. It's other people's money. - Alexandre Dumas

Who marries for love without money has merry nights and sorry days. - Scottish Proverb

He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth. - George HW Bush

What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man? - Homer Simpson

One dollar for eternal happiness? I'd be happier with the dollar. - Charles Montgomery Burns

Who recalls when folks got along without something if it cost too much? - Kin Hubbard

Money can't buy you friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan

I am fiercely loyal to those willing to put their money where my mouth is. - Paul Harvey

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. - Jackie Mason

I don't follow trends. I make each cake for a particular wedding, or event. - Ron Ben-Israel

A diamond, though set in horns, is still a diamond, and sparkles in purest gold. - Philip Massinger

Like the cosmetics industry, the securities business is engaged in selling illusion. - Paul Samuelson

Money and success don't change people; they merely amplify what is already there. - Will Smith

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

The cost of praising someone is nil - but every psychological study shows the payoff is huge. - Harvey Mackay

Money itself doesn't interest me. But you must make money to go on building the business. - Rupert Murdoch

Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right. - Kurt H Adler

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me his watch. - Woody Allen

I'm proud to be paying taxes. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money. - Arthur Godfrey

Gonna be incrimated... they're gonna keep the ashes around the house in one of them silver urinals. - Archie Bunker

Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. - Satchel Paige

The only security men can have for their political liberty, consists in keeping their money in their own pockets. - Lysander Spooner

No one has yet had the courage to memorialize his wealth on his tombstone. A dollar mark would not look well there. - Corra May Harris

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. - Woody Allen

I've had a very good stretch with startup investing, and I think it's very important to know when to hold your chips. - Tim Ferriss

Street League Skateboarding is the premier professional skateboarding league in the world, with the biggest prize money in history. - Rob Dyrdek

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. - Garrison Keillor

I deal with foreign countries. I made a lot of money dealing against China. I've made a lot of money dealing against many other countries. - Donald Trump

A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. - Bill Vaughan


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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26-May-2020