12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
The law itself follows gold. - Propertius

One Scent: The cost of a skunk - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Every crowd has a silver lining. - P.T. Barnum

Speech is silver; silence is golden. - Thomas Carlyle

Too much money ain't enough money. - Lil Wayne

Stocks do not move unless they are pushed. - S Jay Levin

Insurance is for people who don't have money. - Neil Zukerman

Never invest emergency savings in the stock market. - Suze Orman

Wind to a sailor is what money is to life on shore. - Sterling Hayden

Minutes are worth more than money. Spend them wisely. - Thomas P Murphy

Stop chasing the money and start chasing the passion. - Tony Hsieh

Money does not make you happy but it quiets the nerves. - Sean O Casey

Sometimes the cost of integrity is the loss of a friend. - Jack McDevitt

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. - Bob Hope

When you ain't got no money, you gotta get an attitude. - Richard Pryor

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. - Steven Wright

When it is a matter of money, all men are of the same religion. - Voltaire

A woman will buy anything she thinks the store is losing money on. - Kin Hubbard

An education obtained with money is worse than no education at all. - Socrates

Yachting: standing in a cold shower tearing up hundred-dollar bills. - Unknown

Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I am fiercely loyal to those willing to put their money where my mouth is. - Paul Harvey

If we were interested in making money, we wouldn’t have become teachers. - Robin Williams

The flood of money that gushes into politics today is a pollution of democracy. - Theodore White

Time is money, especially when you're talking to a lawyer or an accountant. - Joe-kster

Like the cosmetics industry, the securities business is engaged in selling illusion. - Paul Samuelson

Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back. - Thomas Sowell

It isn't enough for you to love money - it's also necessary that money should love you. - Kin Hubbard

I actually lost 90 pounds over the course of 15 months in order to save money on life insurance. - Derek Kilmer

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. - Ogden Nash

Personally this plan would cost me hundreds of millions of dollars, but in all honesty, it's worth it. - Donald Trump

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. - Unknown

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. - Jim Bishop

Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

It's not about money or connections. It's the willingness to outwork and outlearn everyone when it comes to your business. - Mark Cuban

I'm always interested in finding the new trend. If you love pizza every day, after 22 years of eating pizza, you want to try sushi. - Jean Pigozzi

Finance functions lose the potential to steer their organizations to success when they defer performance management to other functions. - Jack Alexander

The cost of oblivious daydreaming was always this moment of return, the realignment with what had been before and now seemed a little worse. - Ian McEwan

Money is like gasoline during a road trip. You don't want to run out of gas on your trip, but you're not doing a tour of gas stations. - Tim O'Reilly

I deal with foreign countries. I made a lot of money dealing against China. I've made a lot of money dealing against many other countries. - Donald Trump


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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24-May-2022