12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Money: the poor man's credit card. - Marshal McLuhan

A fool and her money are soon courted. - Helen Rowland

Don't marry for money; divorce for money. - Wendy Liebman

Manicurist: A girl who makes money hand over fist - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Minutes are worth more than money. Spend them wisely. - Thomas P Murphy

A father carries pictures where his money used to be. - Steve Martin

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. - Unknown

Money does not make you happy but it quiets the nerves. - Sean O Casey

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. - Kathleen Norris

By the time I have money to burn, my fire will have burnt out. - Unknown

If money is your hope for independence, you will never have it. - Henry Ford

As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every moment of time. - J. Mason

Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells. - J Paul Getty

Anybody who thinks money will make you happy hasn't got money. - David Geffen

I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump

The way to make money is to buy when blood is running in the streets. - John D Rockefeller

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down. - Flip Wilson

Who recalls when folks got along without something if it cost too much? - Kin Hubbard

I don't care how much money you have, free stuff is always a good thing. - Queen Latifah

A sure way to lose happiness is to want it at the expense of everything else. - Bette Davis

I'm a dirt person. I trust the dirt. I don't trust diamonds and gold. - Eartha Kitt

A diamond, though set in horns, is still a diamond, and sparkles in purest gold. - Philip Massinger

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. - Kin Hubbard

Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out: I bought myself a happy meal. - Paul F Taylor

To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it. - George Bernard Shaw

Never work just for money or power. They won't save your soul or help you sleep at night. - Marian Wright Edelman

Bathtubs are the epitome of luxury. Either you have no money to own one or you have no time to use one. - Akilnathan Logeswaran

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. - Ernest Haskins

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat

The whole trend and quality of anyone's life is determined in the long run by the choices that are made. - Norman Vincent Peale

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I'll ever need if I die tomorrow. - Henny Youngman

To an entrepreneur, closing a financing often feels like the end of a marathon. It's actually the starting gun. - Andy Dunn

Liking the Leafs is like having molten gold poured into your face. It's gold, but it's burning your face off. - Sean Cullen

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. - Woody Allen

Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. - Will Smith

Habits are like financial capital - forming one today is an investment that will automatically give out returns for years to come. - Shawn Anchor

Only when the last tree has withered, and the last fish caught, and the last river been poisoned, will we realize we cannot eat money. - Cree Proverb

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. - James Thurber

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. - Garrison Keillor


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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01-Dec-2020