12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Love is the only gold. - Lord Alfred Tennyson

Gentlemen prefer bonds. - Andrew Mellon

Kind words cost nothing. - Unknown

Every crowd has a silver lining. - P.T. Barnum

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. - WC Fields

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo. - Groucho Marx

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns

I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money. - George Burns

A grandfather carries pictures where his money used to be. - Joe-kster

Forgiveness is a gift of high value. Yet its cost is nothing. - Betty Smith

They bequeathed the gleaming gold, treasure of men, to earth. - Beowulf

I'd like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money. - Pablo Picasso

If money is your hope for independence, you will never have it. - Henry Ford

As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every moment of time. - J. Mason

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing. - Billy Rose

I like gold because it is a stabilizer; it is an insurance policy. - Kevin O'Leary

The rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food. - Russia Proverb

Who marries for love without money has merry nights and sorry days. - Scottish Proverb

I am fiercely loyal to those willing to put their money where my mouth is. - Paul Harvey

Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. - Kin Hubbard

If you don't know who you are, the stock market is an expensive place to find out. - George Goodman

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. - Bo Derek

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops - let the rain sing you a lullaby. - Langston Hughes

Never work just for money or power. They won't save your soul or help you sleep at night. - Marian Wright Edelman

Money itself doesn't interest me. But you must make money to go on building the business. - Rupert Murdoch

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. - David Letterman

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me his watch. - Woody Allen

Money can't buy happiness. But, it can buy a chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing. - Hanako Ishii

I'm proud to be paying taxes. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money. - Arthur Godfrey

It is not the employer who pays wages; he only handles the money. It is the product that pays wages. - Henry Ford

We shouldn't spend money on things we don't need when others don't have the things they do. - Peter Singer

Her capacity for family affection is extraordinary: when her third husband died, her hair turned quite gold from grief. - Oscar Wilde

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. - Sam Ewing

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. - Woody Allen

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. - James Thurber

I had very good dentures once. Some magnificent gold work. It's the only form of jewelry a man can wear that women fully appreciate. - Graham Greene

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. - Garrison Keillor

NEED now means wanting someone else's money. GREED means wanting to keep your own. COMPASSION is when a politician arranges the transfer. - Joseph Sobran


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

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13-Dec-2019