12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Money often costs too much. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Financial Dilemma: A bill pickle - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Private jets cost a lot of money. - Donald Trump

He buries gold who hides the truth. - Pythagoras

Wisdom is better than gold or silver. - German Proverb

Never invest emergency savings in the stock market. - Suze Orman

Fidelity bought with money can be overcome by money. - Seneca

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. - Unknown

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. - Mark Twain

Print some money and give it to us for the rain forests. - Vivienne Westwood

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing. - Billy Rose

I like gold because it is a stabilizer; it is an insurance policy. - Kevin O'Leary

The rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food. - Russia Proverb

A liberal is a man who is willing to spend somebody else's money. - Carter Glass

How much money does it take to make a man happy? Just one more dollar. - John D Rockefeller

A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money. - Everett Dirksen

Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy. - Miles Kington

Giving your son a skill is better than giving him one thousand pieces of gold. - Chinese Proverb

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. - Phyllis Diller

Never invest deep feelings for someone unless you're ready to face the consequences. - Unknown

God gives men wisdom as he gives them gold; his treasure house is not the mint, but the mine. - Arabic Proverb

Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right. - Kurt H Adler

It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them. - Bill Vaughan

Artists are blessed to travel all over the world. They see the trends before they even come out. - Tina Knowles

I'm proud to be paying taxes. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money. - Arthur Godfrey

I work with gold that holds history, diamonds that see the future, and rubies that long for love. - Waris Ahluwalia

I do not think there is any silver bullet to solving the technology side of the security equation. - John W. Thompson

We shouldn't spend money on things we don't need when others don't have the things they do. - Peter Singer

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

When I was young, I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is. - Oscar Wilde

I don't make deals for the money. I've got enough, much more than I'll ever need. I do it to do it. - Donald Trump

Work like you don't need the money, dance like no one is watching, and love like you've never been hurt. - Mark Twain

When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is. - Oscar Wilde

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon Liddy

I've never sought success in order to get fame and money; it's the talent and the passion that count in success. - Ingrid Bergman

Modern poets talk against business, poor things, but all of us write for money. Beginners are subjected to trial by market. - Robert Frost

Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. - Will Smith

Happiness, not money or prestige, should be regarded as the ultimate currency - the currency by which we take measure of our lives. - Tal Ben-Shahar

I'm always interested in finding the new trend. If you love pizza every day, after 22 years of eating pizza, you want to try sushi. - Jean Pigozzi

I deal with foreign countries. I made a lot of money dealing against China. I've made a lot of money dealing against many other countries. - Donald Trump


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13-May-2021