12 Days of Christmas
Government Economizing Measures

Streamlining the federal Christmas budget


[Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau uncharacteristically intends to take a cautious approach to spending your money. Here are the economizing measures being implemented…]

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree (which never produced the cash crop that was previously forecasted by Agriculture and Agri-food Canada) will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant - providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy created by senior officials that is simply not cost effective. In addition, (A) their romance during working hours could not be condoned; and (B) their close relationship is under investigation by the auditor-general to ensure that no undue influence was used in the creation of these positions. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. Their bilingualism is an asset to the organization and, following the Treasury Board Secretariat announcement on new policies on official languages, more French hens may be recruited in the new fiscal year;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway by the department of public safety and emergency preparedness to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the competition process by the Public Service Commission will assure senior management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order from Bombardier. The current swans will be retained through Human Resources and Skills Development to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Newfoundland Milk Marketing Board. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. The new department of social development (formerly income security programs) will assist the ladies with transition into retirement;

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted pay and benefits at Treasury Board to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work federal cabinet ministers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as there are currently an oversupply of unemployed former federal cabinet ministers;

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line. Canadian Heritage will oversee these changes.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop the number of shipments per day, service levels will be improved.

A decision is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing” from Badger, Pester and Billem - a Pierre Elliott Trudeau subsidiary).

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Senate will request cabinet ministers to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



QuotaBills
Marry money. - Max Shulman

Every cloud has a silver lining. - Proverb

Speech is silver; silence is golden. - Thomas Carlyle

A fool and his money are soon elected. - Will Rogers

Life is a game. Money is how we keep score. - Ted Turner

Good words are worth much, and cost little. - George Herbert

No man's credit is as good as his money. - Ed Howe

Prospering doesn't have to do with money. - Joel Osteen

If you marry for money you will earn every penny. - Dr. Phil McGraw

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. - Steven Wright

Fidelity bought with money can be overcome by money. - Seneca

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. - Mark Twain

Forgiveness is a gift of high value. Yet its cost is nothing. - Betty Smith

By the time I have money to burn, my fire will have burnt out. - Unknown

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it. - Jay Leno

I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet. - Carrie Bradshaw

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. - Irving Fisher

Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells. - J Paul Getty

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing. - Billy Rose

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. - Steven Wright

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? - Steven Wright

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. - Aristotle Onassis

I'm a dirt person. I trust the dirt. I don't trust diamonds and gold. - Eartha Kitt

Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. - Ambrose Bierce

A diamond, though set in horns, is still a diamond, and sparkles in purest gold. - Philip Massinger

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money!) - Unknown

It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand. - Suze Orman

Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out: I bought myself a happy meal. - Paul F Taylor

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. - Jackie Mason

Never invest deep feelings for someone unless you're ready to face the consequences. - Unknown

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me his watch. - Woody Allen

I work with gold that holds history, diamonds that see the future, and rubies that long for love. - Waris Ahluwalia

When a fellow says, 'It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,' it's the money. - Kin Hubbard

Liking the Leafs is like having molten gold poured into your face. It's gold, but it's burning your face off. - Sean Cullen

People confuse amassing money with security, but it is not so. What a pity to confuse real security with making money. - Billy Graham

It's not about money or connections. It's the willingness to outwork and outlearn everyone when it comes to your business. - Mark Cuban

Street League Skateboarding is the premier professional skateboarding league in the world, with the biggest prize money in history. - Rob Dyrdek

The cost of oblivious daydreaming was always this moment of return, the realignment with what had been before and now seemed a little worse. - Ian McEwan

I have respect for Senator McCain. I used to like him a lot. I supported him. I raised a lot of money for his campaign against President Obama. - Donald Trump


see also   Christmas,  Finance  &  Government  Sections
Business School Basics
Defence Budget Cuts
Formula For Success - MBA 101
Financial Planning for Retirement
Gold Bar Carrot Cake
Gold Finger Seating
Grandma Protection
Greek Financial Path
Justin Trudeau’s Spending Record for 2016-2017
Trillion Dollar Man
Where Business Meets IT
Working For Retirement

 

Sing It Out

Cold One

Cheerful Trees

Rooftop Steps

Racing a 'Hot Rod'

Nemo Found at Japanese Sushi Bar

Painting The Center Line

Kitchen Recycling

Work Not

2021 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars

Car-nage

Noah's 2021 Ark

First Dodge Ram

Redneck Wedding Limo

Commas Save Lives

Irish Pothole

Lost At See

Booger Queen

Incognito Mode

Facebook Wedding
Full list of creditsFacebookTwitterDiggStumbleUponDelicious

02-Mar-2021