Dieter’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips; Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care, In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps; When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter - I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, Tore open the icebox, then threw up the sash; The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below; When what to my wandering eyes should appear - A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy - so luscious and slick, I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick; The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer... I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear “On Pritikin, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS” - A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox; From the top of the scales to the top of the hall, Now dash away pounds - now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress, My clothes were all bulging from too much excess; My droll little mouth and my round little belly, They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work, Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk… And laying a finger beside my heartburn - I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry, If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by… And I mumbled again as I turned for the night, In the morning I’ll starve... ’til I take that first bite! QuotaBills A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands. - Unknown My diet is like Atkins, but with the carbs. - BJ Penn Smoking cures weight problems... eventually. - Steven Wright A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown Happiness is equilibrium. Shift your weight. - Tom Stoppard Tears at times have all the weight of speech. - Ovid I'm not gaining weight. I'm living large. - Unknown Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. - Unknown Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may diet. - Unknown There would be no Christmas if there was no Easter. - Gordon B. Hinckley I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd A balanced diet is a Cracker Jack cookie in each hand. - Joe-kster Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. - Tommy Cooper I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out. - Unknown Whatsoever was the father of a disease, an ill diet was the mother. - George Herbert My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger I gotta lose weight, Edith. I hope you remembered my diuretic cottage cheese. - Archie Bunker The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook. - Julia Child The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. - Joe E Lewis The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason I'm on a strict liquid diet: Mimosas for breakfast, Margaritas for lunch, Martinis for dinner. - Unknown No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman Might make a real good Christmas present for the uninformed. The book is called 'Taking America Back.' - Paul Harvey I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor The first requisite of a good citizen in this republic of ours is that he shall be able and willing to pull his weight. - Theodore Roosevelt A dark-chocolate truffle melts in my mouth, and I forget about everything else... even the fact that I'm on a diet. - Barbara Brooke The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned now to cook. - Andy Rooney Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on. - Jean Kerr The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it. - Edward I Kock see also   Christmas  &   Diet  Sections Aussie Night Before Christmas Aviator’s Night Before Christmas Biker’s Night Before Christmas Bronx Night Before Christmas Contract Spec Writer’s Night Before Christmas Genealogist’s Night Before Christmas Ghetto Night Before Christmas Hanukkah Night Before Christmas Italian Night Before Christmas Jewish-Chinese Night before Christmas Legal Speak Night Before Christmas Networkologist’s Night Before Christmas Politically Correct Night Before Christmas Redneck Night Before Christmas Scientist’s Night Before Christmas Spanish Night Before Christmas Star Trek ‘Next Generation’ Night Before Christmas Star Wars Christmas Texas Night Before Christmas ‘Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas   Lebanon Social Distancing Centaur of Tymfi Swiss Spaghetti Harvest Engagement Rings Outback Golf Course Importanter Get In Line! 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01-Apr-2020