Dieter’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips; Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care, In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps; When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter - I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, Tore open the icebox, then threw up the sash; The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below; When what to my wandering eyes should appear - A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy - so luscious and slick, I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick; The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer... I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear “On Pritikin, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS” - A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox; From the top of the scales to the top of the hall, Now dash away pounds - now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress, My clothes were all bulging from too much excess; My droll little mouth and my round little belly, They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work, Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk… And laying a finger beside my heartburn - I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry, If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by… And I mumbled again as I turned for the night, In the morning I’ll starve... ’til I take that first bite! QuotaBills Diets are mainly food for thought. - N Wylie Jones I could eat my body weight in sushi. - Mikey Way A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands. - Unknown My diet is like Atkins, but with the carbs. - BJ Penn Christmas comes, but once a year is enough. - American Proverb A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown Tears at times have all the weight of speech. - Ovid My weight is perfect for my height - which varies. - Unknown Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. - Unknown I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. - Tommy Cooper I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out. - Unknown I don't diet, I just don't eat as much as I'd like to. - Linda Evangelista Whatsoever was the father of a disease, an ill diet was the mother. - George Herbert One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. - Totie Fields No disease that can be treated by diet should be treated by any other means. - Maimonides I gotta lose weight, Edith. I hope you remembered my diuretic cottage cheese. - Archie Bunker Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut. - Old Farmer's Almanac The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook. - Julia Child Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman Nobody can fail to lose weight in the jungle, unless they've got a secret stash of pork pies somewhere. - Colin Baker I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He's spent six months looking for where to put the batteries. - Milton Berle I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. - Unknown A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor The first requisite of a good citizen in this republic of ours is that he shall be able and willing to pull his weight. - Theodore Roosevelt A dark-chocolate truffle melts in my mouth, and I forget about everything else... even the fact that I'm on a diet. - Barbara Brooke Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com see also   Christmas  &   Diet  Sections Aussie Night Before Christmas Aviator’s Night Before Christmas Biker’s Night Before Christmas Bronx Night Before Christmas Contract Spec Writer’s Night Before Christmas Genealogist’s Night Before Christmas Ghetto Night Before Christmas Hanukkah Night Before Christmas Italian Night Before Christmas Jewish-Chinese Night before Christmas Legal Speak Night Before Christmas Networkologist’s Night Before Christmas Politically Correct Night Before Christmas Redneck Night Before Christmas Scientist’s Night Before Christmas Spanish Night Before Christmas Star Trek ‘Next Generation’ Night Before Christmas Star Wars Christmas Texas Night Before Christmas ‘Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas   Yarn Bombing a Bus Canned Art Bubble Boy High Wire Bear Feeder Manitoba Thunderstorm Watermelon Shark Curses, Foiled Again Recipe Holder Where Do You Want To Eat? 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06-Jul-2020