‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips;
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps;
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter -
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox, then threw up the sash;
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below;
When what to my wandering eyes should appear -
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy - so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick;
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer...
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear
“On Pritikin, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS” -
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox;
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall,
Now dash away pounds - now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress,
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess;
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk…
And laying a finger beside my heartburn -
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by…
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night,
In the morning I’ll starve... ’til I take that first bite!
I could eat my body weight in sushi. - Mikey Way
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough. - American Proverb
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually. - Steven Wright
Food is an important part of a balanced diet. - Fran Lebowitz
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. - Joan Rivers
I'm not gaining weight. I'm living large. - Unknown
The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. - Unknown
There would be no Christmas if there was no Easter. - Gordon B. Hinckley
A balanced diet is a Cracker Jack cookie in each hand. - Joe-kster
I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight. - The Devil Wears Prada
I don't trust any diet that doesn't allow sugar. - Bethenny Frankel
The first couple of days on the detox diet aren't pleasant. - Carol Vorderman
My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles
No disease that can be treated by diet should be treated by any other means. - Maimonides
I gotta lose weight, Edith. I hope you remembered my diuretic cottage cheese. - Archie Bunker
The majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn't finish. - Carrie Underwood
You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut. - Old Farmer's Almanac
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson
True and solemn meaning of Christmas, which is a time for peace and quiet contemptation. - Archie Bunker
If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West
I'm on a strict liquid diet: Mimosas for breakfast, Margaritas for lunch, Martinis for dinner. - Unknown
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby
I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. - Unknown
Dieting is not a sprint, it's a marathon. If you celebrate the small victories, you will eventually win the war. - Ian K Smith
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned now to cook. - Andy Rooney
Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight. - Josh Billings
Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump
Confidence is beautiful, no matter your size, no matter your weight. Be confident in who you are and you'll be beautiful. - Unknown
Calories: 1. Weight lifters; 2. Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Fishing Journal: An imaginative work of sub-literature in which the angler records the weight, length, and species of fish he didn't catch - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I cook croquetas, and I eat jamon. I keep my diet 100% Mediterranean and drink my Rioja. In that sense, I have a piece of Spain in West Hollywood. - Paz Vega
The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it. - Edward I Kock
Our food pyramid, the kind of diet that is constantly promoted, is completely warped. It's not based around anything to do with healing your body. - Jessica Origliasso
see also Christmas & Diet Sections
Aussie Night Before Christmas
Aviator’s Night Before Christmas
Biker’s Night Before Christmas
Bronx Night Before Christmas
Contract Spec Writer’s Night Before Christmas
Genealogist’s Night Before Christmas
Ghetto Night Before Christmas
Hanukkah Night Before Christmas
Italian Night Before Christmas
Jewish-Chinese Night before Christmas
Legal Speak Night Before Christmas
Networkologist’s Night Before Christmas
Politically Correct Night Before Christmas
Redneck Night Before Christmas
Scientist’s Night Before Christmas
Spanish Night Before Christmas
Star Trek ‘Next Generation’ Night Before Christmas
Star Wars Christmas
Texas Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
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 Window Washing Daredevil |  Aussie Ford Coupe |  Pushing The Envelope |  Window Fall Repair |  Bacon Balls |
26-Sep-2021 |