Dieter’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips; Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care, In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps; When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter - I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, Tore open the icebox, then threw up the sash; The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below; When what to my wandering eyes should appear - A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy - so luscious and slick, I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick; The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer... I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear “On Pritikin, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS” - A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox; From the top of the scales to the top of the hall, Now dash away pounds - now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress, My clothes were all bulging from too much excess; My droll little mouth and my round little belly, They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work, Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk… And laying a finger beside my heartburn - I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry, If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by… And I mumbled again as I turned for the night, In the morning I’ll starve... ’til I take that first bite! QuotaBills Life is too short to be on a diet. - Taylor J Reid Mine is the least fat diet in the world. - Pierre Dukan Christmas comes, but once a year is enough. - American Proverb Smoking cures weight problems... eventually. - Steven Wright A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown Tears at times have all the weight of speech. - Ovid Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. - Joan Rivers The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. - Unknown My weight is perfect for my height - which varies. - Unknown There would be no Christmas if there was no Easter. - Gordon B. Hinckley I don't trust any diet that doesn't allow sugar. - Bethenny Frankel I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. - Tommy Cooper I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out. - Unknown Whatsoever was the father of a disease, an ill diet was the mother. - George Herbert Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments. - Bethenny Frankel I gotta lose weight, Edith. I hope you remembered my diuretic cottage cheese. - Archie Bunker Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut. - Old Farmer's Almanac The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook. - Julia Child Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson If my Valentine you won't be, I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson Juicing isn't about binging and cleansing; I try to incorporate it into a balanced diet. - Eddie Huang The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place. - Sarah Dessen I grew up on a steady diet of science fiction, especially apocalyptic and postapocalyptic fiction. - Justin Cronin No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas. - Robert Kirby My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree. - Henny Youngman I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis A dark-chocolate truffle melts in my mouth, and I forget about everything else... even the fact that I'm on a diet. - Barbara Brooke If you maintain a healthy diet, or at least are smart about your food choices, you'll still see the pounds come off. - Misty May-Treanor I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on. - Jean Kerr Confidence is beautiful, no matter your size, no matter your weight. Be confident in who you are and you'll be beautiful. - Unknown In Japan, animation is a big part of your media diet. I moved out to Los Angeles at 9, and when I got homesick, I would watch anime. - Hiro Murai I'm off the diet, but not the treadmill. I speak as someone who's attempted to lose weight and get fit thrice before in my life. - Ronnie Screwvala My daily diet consists of basically anything I think looks tasty, whether that's pizza, sushi, burgers, quesadillas. I like everything. - Cameron Dallas I cook croquetas, and I eat jamon. I keep my diet 100% Mediterranean and drink my Rioja. In that sense, I have a piece of Spain in West Hollywood. - Paz Vega Our food pyramid, the kind of diet that is constantly promoted, is completely warped. It's not based around anything to do with healing your body. - Jessica Origliasso see also   Christmas  &   Diet  Sections Aussie Night Before Christmas Aviator’s Night Before Christmas Biker’s Night Before Christmas Bronx Night Before Christmas Contract Spec Writer’s Night Before Christmas Genealogist’s Night Before Christmas Ghetto Night Before Christmas Hanukkah Night Before Christmas Italian Night Before Christmas Jewish-Chinese Night before Christmas Legal Speak Night Before Christmas Networkologist’s Night Before Christmas Politically Correct Night Before Christmas Redneck Night Before Christmas Scientist’s Night Before Christmas Spanish Night Before Christmas Star Trek ‘Next Generation’ Night Before Christmas Star Wars Christmas Texas Night Before Christmas ‘Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas   Hedge Race Car Quebec Stop Sign Perkatory Bike Storage Playground Child Eliminator 2021 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars Sidecar Glass World - Where Plumbers Buy Three Wise Women Wrench Dinosaur One More Drop Idling Eric Idle High Heel Diver Rising To The Occasion Annual Meeting of the Ontario Summer Tires Club I See You Get Off Your High Horse Redneck Towing Revenge of the Stallion Rat Cut

05-Dec-2020