Politically Correct Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck...
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
Were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
Released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
Because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
When they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
And his fur trimmed red suit was called “unenlightened”.

To show you the strangeness of today’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
Demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So... half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
Who suddenly said she’d had enough of this life,
Joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts... why, he’d never had the notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets... they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales... while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football... someone might get hurt,
Besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passé,
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
He just couldn’t figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
But you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
Nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
Give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
Each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere... even you!

So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth...
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth!”

QuotaBills
Criticism is prejudice made plausible. - H L Mencken

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. - Unknown

Silence is sometimes the severest criticism. - Charles Buxton

Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. - Unknown

Criticism is easy; achievement is more difficult. - Winston Churchill

The duty of comedy is to correct men by amusing them. - Moliere

I get really grinchy right up until Christmas morning. - Dan Aykroyd

There is no defense against criticism except obscurity. - Joseph Addison

Halloween starts earlier and earlier, just like Christmas. - Robert Englund

The greatest threat to freedom is the absence of criticism. - Wole Soyinka

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. - Steven Wright

I'm going to the North Pole to help out Santa this year. - Jimmy Fallon

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding. - Mohandas K. Gandhi

The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates. - Oscar Wilde

Needless to say, the president is correct. Whatever it was he said. - Donald Rumsfeld

In critical moments even the very powerful have need of the weakest. - Aesop

An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it. - Orlando A. Battista

Don't abuse your friends and expect them to consider it criticism. - Ed Howe

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin

The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer

When we value correct principles, we have truth - a knowledge of things as they are. - Stephen Covey

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. - Bart Simpson

I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller

If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it. - Epictetus

Do not correct a fool or he will hate you. Correct a wise man and he will appreciate you. - Unknown

Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener

If 'ifs and buts' were 'candy and nuts', we'd have Christmas every day. - Unknown

The proactive approach to a mistake is to acknowledge it instantly, correct and learn from it. - Stephen Covey

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. - Steven Wright

You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one. - John Wooden

Writing criticism is to writing fiction and poetry as hugging the shore is to sailing in the open sea. - John Updike

Those who spend their time looking for the faults in others usually make no time to correct their own. - Art Jonak

We can often do more for other men by trying to correct our own faults than by trying to correct theirs. - Francois Fenelon

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. - Garrison Keillor

Music drives you. It wakes you up, it gets you pumping. And, at the end of the day, the correct tune will chill you down. - Dimebag Darrell

Did you read about Starbucks? No more "Merry Christmas" at Starbucks. No more. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks. - Donald Trump

Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you. - Zig Ziglar

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple

see also Christmas, Politics & Relationship Sections
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Genealogist’s Night Before Christmas
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Scientist’s Night Before Christmas
Spanish Night Before Christmas
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Politically Correct Night Before Christmas

Santa’s unenlightened red suit

27-Oct-2021