Redneck New Year’s Resolutions

For all Redneck party animals

1. Stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by;
2. Give thanks that your Momma had “ammo” on her Christmas list;
3. Play with your Christmas stocking full of ammo;
4. Give thanks for your favorite Christmas present - a painting on black velvet;
5. Sign the neighbour’s petition over your Christmas lights;
6. Kiss your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s eve party;
7. Siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck;
8. Icing - what you do to your front steps before your mother-in-law comes over;
9. Drink gas because you can run two and a half miles per hour faster;
10. Try to drown a fish;
11. Buy your jewelry at the hardware store;
12. Drink Labatt 50;
13. Knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom;
14. Go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home;
15. Yell to your Momma, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”;
16. Create a hairstyle called “The Hat Line”;
17. Have another can of your favourite meal – Spam;
18. Barbecue Spam on the grill;
19. Drive your pickup truck which has a bigger turning radius than your house;
20. Send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk;
21. Appreciate your wife howling at the moon more than your huntin’ dogs;
22. Wear the same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations - and they’re only twenty years old;
23. Go swimmin’ in the drainage ditch behind your house;
24. Cuss and refer to your wife, Mamma, aunt, and sister with one word;
25. Have your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner;
26. Be thankful that you have more pet names for your huntin’ dog than for your girlfriend;
27. Mistake the offering plate for a spit can;
28. Go to church to pick up women;
29. Bring your dog with you to church;
30. Give thanks that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar;
31. Have some of that Franklin Mint breath freshener;
32. Wear your only tie - made of leather, silver and turquoise;
33. Buy a can of Mountain Dew to serve as a container to spit tobacco juice in;
34. Have your house picked up every week;
35. Make bar-b-que a daily thing;
36. Visit your favourite room in your house - the Dark Side;
37. Practice doctorin’ with Mamma’s sewing kit and a jug;
38. Hold a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio;
39. Show ‘em your new breed of horse – your Ford Mustang;
40. Start a preference to sleep in the truck than in your house;
41. Stand in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature;
42. Break wind in public and blame it on your kid;
43. Valet park a snowplow;
44. Vacuum the sheets instead of washing them;
45. Get an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company;
46. Take reading material into an airplane restroom;
47. Pay for a 6-pack of beer with pennies;
48. Hang up some beautiful hubcap wind chimes for your neighbours;
49. Hang a Bud Light pool table light over your dining room table;
50. Make the strongest smell in your house butane;
51. Have your dog pass gas and claim it for yourself;
52. Try not to mistake your Aunt Betty for a man;
53. Find out where that Third World country “paprika” is;
54. Ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”;
55. Go to a stock car race without a program;
56. Make a bumper sticker that says, “My Momma’s an honor student at the local junior high”;
57. Bake one of your favourite hors d’oeuvres - potted meat on a saltine;
58. Play the banjo in your high school band;
59. Show the neighbours your velvet paintings, bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway;
60. Buy some old hubcaps for your truck ‘cause you’re using the new hubcaps to feed your hunting dogs;
61. Give thanks that more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general;
62. Try to find that fence around the stock market;
63. Read up on the O.J. trial that was just a big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test;
64. Take your boat for a run… it hasn’t left the driveway in 15 years;
65. Use lard in bed;
66. Buy a new telephone-cable-spool coffee table;
67. Keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table for important guests;
68. Pick your teeth from a catalog;
69. Finance a tattoo;
70. Refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in”;
71. Have your hairdo ruined by a ceiling fan;
72. Have your Mamma get into a fist-fight at a high school sports event;
73. Own all the components of soap-on-a-rope except the soap;
74. Invent a new way to keep things cold - leave ’em in the shade;
75. Rake the leaves in your kitchen;
76. Have your kid calls your sister, “Momma”;
77. Call up your brother-in-law - your uncle;
78. Have your entire family sit around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one;
79. Go to the family reunion to pick up women;
80. Try to determine the colour of your car – have someone remove the dirt;
81. Keep refusing to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture;
82. Buy a shirt that will cover your stomach;
83. Savor your only condiment on the dining room table - the economy size bottle of ketchup;
84. Make the rear doors on your car twice the size of your front ones;
85. Consider some deep reading - read “Outdoor Life”;
86. Prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland;
87. Use the term “over yonder” more than once a month;
88. Figure out why birds are attracted to your beard;
89. Proudly diplay the diploma hanging in your den, containing the words “Trucking Institute”;
90. Borrow your Mamma’s spit cup, lying on the ironing board;
91. Be proud of your wife’s job that requires her to wear an orange vest;
92. Wear a tube top to your next wedding;
93. Laugh at those bikers who back down from your Momma;
94. Be proud that you were shooting pool when your kids were born;
95. Reminisce about your favourite school fight song, “Dueling Banjos”;
96. Play your favourite musical instrument – the chain saw;
97. Steal clothes from a scarecrow;
98. Support your major food groups: beef jerky and Moon Pies;
99. Shoot a deer from inside your house;
100. Have your Mamma greet your friends with “Howdy!”, “HEY!”, or “How Y’all Doin’?”;
101. Be proud that you have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior;
102. Steal toilet paper from a public restroom;
103. Clean your nails with a stick;
104. Develop a preference for car keys to a Q-tip;
105. Figure out why people are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe;
106. Thank your father for encouraging you to quit school because Bubba has an opening on the lube rack;
107. Become a Doctor – you already know that a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy;
108. Use a toilet seat as a picture frame;
109. Be thankful that your home has more miles on it than your car;
110. Ain’t it great to have your Christmas tree still up in March!;
111. Get arrested for loitering;
112. Find the stuffed possums in your house;
113. Hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice;
114. Shoot anyone for looking at you;
115. Own a homemade fur coat;
116. Be proud that your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat;
117. Give thanks that you’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned;
118. Make sure that there are more than five McDonald’s bags on the floorboard of your car;
119. Have Momma teach you how to flip a cigarette;
120. Add some art to your living room – find a wasp nest;
121. Give thanks that the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice;
122. Give your Pappa a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday;
123. Show off the crime scene tape on your front door;
124. Burn your front yard rather than mow it;
125. Consider some high-quality entertainment - a six-pack and a bug-zapper;
126. Be proud that fewer than half of your cars run;
127. Get kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys;
128. Add some class to your car - taillight covers made of tape;
129. Add a full tank of gas to your car.
130. Give thanks that your kids were conceived in a car wash!;
131. Marvel at your Momma’s cuss fight with the principal;
132. Figure out that math problem called a subdivision;
133. Bathe with flea and tick soap;
134. Do a good deed for the month – hide your brother for a few days;
135. Show off your favorite T-shirt which is offensive in thirteen states;
136. Get involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog;
137. Become an expert on worm beds (or was that bed worms?);
138. Have the dog catcher call for a backup unit when he visits your house;
139. Be nice to your wife when she next says, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”;
140. Be proud that your family tree does not fork;
141. Display the flood history of the area on your living room walls;
142. Haul more than U-Haul;
143. Remember that day your Momma stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”;
144. Mount a gun rack on your bicycle;
145. Hold your wedding in the delivery room;
146. Double your soap on a rope as an air freshener;
147. Have your wife’s hairdo attract bees;
148. Make your baby’s first words, “Attention K-Mart shoppers”;
149. Make the antenna on your truck a danger to low flying airplanes;
150. Have your primary source of income be the pawn shop;
151. Try to visit your relatives without getting mud on your tires;
152. Have your Mamma put on her shoes to go grocery shopping;
153. Get blacklisted by a bowling alley;
154. Purchase peroxide in a gallon container;
155. Disagree with those who think baseball players spit and scratch too much;
156. Go to a wedding reception at the Waffle House;
157. Have your dog bring home something that you cooked for dinner;
158. Owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income;
159. Catch bugs just so you can throw them in the bug zapper;
160. Get a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window;
161. Mow your lawn to find your car;
162. Spit without opening your mouth.

New Year's Day is every man's birthday. - Charles Lamb

The New Year begins in a snow-storm of white vows. - George William Curtis

When I go I'll take New Year's Eve with me. - Guy Lombardo

Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right. - Oprah Winfrey

It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets. - William Thomas

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the year's. - Henry Moore

Every man regards his own life as the New Year’s Eve of time. - Jean Paul Richter

He who breaks a resolution is a weakling. He who makes one is a fool. - F.M. Knowles

And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been. - Rainer M. Rilke

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! - Joey Adams

Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits. - Unknown

Your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing. - Abraham Lincoln

Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it's twice as onerous a duty. - John Selden

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. - Unknown

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. - Oscar Wilde

One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things. - John Burroughs

Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, "It will be happier..." - Alfred Tennyson

The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul. - G K Chesterton

But can one still make resolutions when one is over forty? I live according to twenty-year-old habits. - Andre Gide

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. - Benjamin Franklin

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan

Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since. - Dave Beard

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. - Bill Vaughan

An individual starts off by facing his problem with resolution, but a convention saves the resolution for the end. - Unknown

From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining. - Leonard Bernstein

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. - James Agate

New Year's Day ... now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain

see also   New Years  &  Redneck  Sections
New Years Resolutions You Can Keep
Redneck New Years Resolutions You Can Keep


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