Irish Virgin

Final arrangements with the undertaker

If you can’t take it with you, talk to a postman


In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: “BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows: “RETURNED UNOPENED”



QuotaBills
I'm just a true Irish boy at heart. - Colin Farrell

To marry the Irish is to look for poverty. - J.P. Donleavy

Ireland is the old sow that eats her farrow. - James Joyce

Take a cruise down to the Virgin's Island. - Archie Bunker

The Danes and the Irish have a great simpatico. - Pierce Brosnan

My dad's Irish music was such a huge influence. - Dido Armstrong

The Irish are a very popular race - with themselves. - Brendan Behan

Yelling Irish, you can sound like an angry Leprechaun. - Norman Reedus

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell

Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at? - Elizabeth Bowen

Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown

You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer. - Hal Roach

I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack

Irish Alzheimer's - you forget everything except the grudges. - Unknown

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick. - Samuel Beckett

We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English. - Winston Churchill

Irish Americans are no more Irish than Black Americans are Africans. - Bob Geldof

I've heard some duff Irish accents. The worst must be Mickey Rourke. - James Nesbitt

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me. - Colin Farrell

Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you. - Irish Blessings

My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey

I'm not Irish. Just because I have red hair doesn't mean I'm a lucky charm. - Rebecca Mader

There are only two kinds of people in the world: the Irish and those who wish they were. - Irish Saying

I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole

The Irish are the only men who know how to cry for the dirty polluted blood of all the world. - Norman Mailer

Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown

I think the genetics of being Irish are that you sort of prefer when it's rainy and cloudy. - Kate Flannery

I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke

"Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal." - Jonathan Swift

I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish. - Leon Uris

I'm a big fan of the Irish accent. After a couple of drinks, I start to get a bit of an Irish lilt, too. - Emily Ratajkowski

The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson

In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue

Irish poets, learn your trade, sing whatever is well made, scorn the sort now growing up all out of shape from toe to top. - William Butler Yeats

For my last meal, I'd want an Irish breakfast with soda bread and one of my dad's omelettes with three or four eggs. - Erin O'Connor

It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. - Brendan Behan

I'm Irish, so I'm used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I'll call it dinner. - Liam Neeson

Irish whiskey was first developed for its medicinal benefits. It's just lucky for the rest of us that the Irish are such a sickly bunch. - Unknown

Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien


see also   Tombstone  Section
Flooded Ireland Streets
Going Green for Ireland
Green Beards
Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey!
Irish Alzheimers
Irish Bar
Irish Birth Control
Irish Blessings and Sayings
Irish Diplomacy
Irish Dock Overboard Oh-Nos
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Handcuffs
Irish Rugby Fans
Irish School Demolition
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Sunblock
Irish Weather Forecasting
Irish Yoga - Day 1
Irishman’s First Baseball Game
Little Leprechaun
Queen’s Recent Visit to Ireland
Rainbow Beer
St. Patrick’s Day Joe-ks
St. Patrick’s Day Riddles
St. Patrick’s Dog
St. Patrick’s Pot of Gold
Swimming Buddies
Teddy Bear Dance
The Fert
What’s Under The Kilt?
Whiskey Around The World
Whiskey Silly

 

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01-Oct-2020