[I sent an E-Mail to my doctor and asked him some very detailed questions about health and nutrition. He had some excellent advice...]
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it... don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello... Cocoa beans?!... Another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!
When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt...
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Maternity Hospital: An heirport - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Caring is the essence of nursing. - Jean Watson
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Society is a hospital of incurables. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet
Care shouldn't start in the emergency room. - James Douglas
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation. - Irvin S Cobb
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. - Graham Norton
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
When you’re a nurse you know that every day you will touch a life or a life will touch yours. - Unknown
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
My husband is so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for him in the emergency room. - Unknown
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. - Dennis Miller
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