A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks
him what he is doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ’Guess who?’ ”
“But why?”
“I’m a divorce lawyer.”
Divorce: fission after fusion. - Rita Mae Brown
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer. - Will Rogers
A good lawyer is a bad neighbor. - French Proverb
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. - Charles Lamb
A lawyer and a cart wheel must be greased. - John R Beard
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. - Marvin Lebman
Don't marry for money; divorce for money. - Wendy Liebman
Heartbreak is a loss. Divorce is a piece of paper. - Taylor J Reid
The power of the lawyer is in the uncertainty of the law. - Jeremy Bentham
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I've never been in love. I've always been a lawyer. - Unknown
I claim there ain't another Saint as great as Valentine. - Ogden Nash
Valentine hearts beat more passionately than everyday hearts. - Unknown
A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless it is paid for. - Unknown
How many lawyer jokes are there? One, the rest are true stories. - Thomas F Shubnell
I think we may class the lawyer in the natural history of monsters. - John Keats
My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield
A lawyer is an odd sort of fish, first rotten, then green, then ripe. - Robert Christy
A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns. - Mario Puzo
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day. - Jay Leno
He who will always be his own lawyer will often have a fool for a client. - J Hunter
Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet. - Santosh Kalwar
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. - WC Fields
I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset I'm not a widow. - Roseanne Barr
She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. - Milton Berle
It's every lawyer's dream to help shape the law, not just react to it. - Alan Dershowitz
A lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. - Patrick Murray
Time is money, especially when you're talking to a lawyer or an accountant. - Joe-kster
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
It is better to be a mouse in a cat's mouth than a man in a lawyer's hands. - Spanish Proverb
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. - Milton Berle
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Steven Wright
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
My husband and I had our best sex during our divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers. - Priscilla Lopez
Divorce = Rebirth: forget the past, replan your life, improve your appearance & rejuvenate! - Rossana Condoleo
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. - Milton Berle
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. - David Letterman
I love Valentine's Day! I love it, I love it, I love it. I like having doors opened for me. - Ginnifer Goodwin
A lawyer is a gentleman that rescues your estate from your enemies and then keeps it to himself. - Henry P Brougham
There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy. - Goldie Hawn
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle
Why buy flowers for Valentine's Day? Just go to a cemetery and collect a dozen off a few graves. - Jarod Kintz
In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity. - Lauren Bacall
The thing about Valentine's day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of. - Faye Morgan
I don't want a lawyer to tell me what I cannot do. I hire one to tell me how to do what I want to do. - J P Morgan
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
A lawyer's duty is to read the law well himself, then tell the people what it is, and let them act upon it. - Brigham Young
The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer. - Will Rogers
Now we got a lawyer, we got civilization, which I understand to mean that a man has a chance to get rich without working. - Sinclair Lewis
The main business of a lawyer is to take the romance, the mystery, the irony, the ambiguity out of everything he touches. - Antonin Scalia
What's the first excellence in a lawyer? Tautology. What's the second? Tautology. What's the third? Tautology. - Richard Steele
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle
Honest and peace-loving people shun the Courts and are prepared to suffer loss rather than fall into a Lawyer's clutches. - Peter De Noronha
It is the business of a lawyer to find a hole to creep out of any law that is in his way; and if there is no hole, to make one. - W Ouseley
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. - Milton Berle
In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage. - Robert Anderson
A lawyer's performance in the courtroom is responsible for about 25 percent of the outcome; the remaining 75 percent depends on the facts. - Melvin Belli
There is not better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giraudoux
A lawyer, that entangles all men's honesties
And lives like a spider in a cobweb lurking,
And catching at all flies that pass his pitfalls. - Francis Beaumont
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. - Jack Benny
Whether you're a homemaker or a schoolteacher, a lawyer or a doctor, a news anchor or an aerobics instructor, everyone is conducting business each and every day. - Donald Trump
Non-Muslims in Saudi Arabia can only celebrate Valentine's Day behind closed doors. Apparently, this has led to a huge black market for flowers and wrapping paper. - John Niven
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner. - Jay Leno
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. - Unknown
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it. - WC Fields
Valentine's Day is when stores and restaurants get rich, men get lucky, and women fill their pretty faces with chocolate and put up with their man for six seconds at the end of the night. - Unknown
As a peacemaker the lawyer has a superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough. Never stir up litigation. A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this. - Abraham Lincoln
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer. - Will Rogers
A good lawyer is a bad neighbor. - French Proverb
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. - Charles Lamb
A lawyer and a cart wheel must be greased. - John R Beard
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. - Marvin Lebman
Don't marry for money; divorce for money. - Wendy Liebman
Heartbreak is a loss. Divorce is a piece of paper. - Taylor J Reid
The power of the lawyer is in the uncertainty of the law. - Jeremy Bentham
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I've never been in love. I've always been a lawyer. - Unknown
I claim there ain't another Saint as great as Valentine. - Ogden Nash
Valentine hearts beat more passionately than everyday hearts. - Unknown
A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless it is paid for. - Unknown
How many lawyer jokes are there? One, the rest are true stories. - Thomas F Shubnell
I think we may class the lawyer in the natural history of monsters. - John Keats
My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield
A lawyer is an odd sort of fish, first rotten, then green, then ripe. - Robert Christy
A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns. - Mario Puzo
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day. - Jay Leno
He who will always be his own lawyer will often have a fool for a client. - J Hunter
Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet. - Santosh Kalwar
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. - WC Fields
I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset I'm not a widow. - Roseanne Barr
She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. - Milton Berle
It's every lawyer's dream to help shape the law, not just react to it. - Alan Dershowitz
A lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. - Patrick Murray
Time is money, especially when you're talking to a lawyer or an accountant. - Joe-kster
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree. - Ernest Hemingway
It is better to be a mouse in a cat's mouth than a man in a lawyer's hands. - Spanish Proverb
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. - Milton Berle
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Steven Wright
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
My husband and I had our best sex during our divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers. - Priscilla Lopez
Divorce = Rebirth: forget the past, replan your life, improve your appearance & rejuvenate! - Rossana Condoleo
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. - Milton Berle
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. - David Letterman
I love Valentine's Day! I love it, I love it, I love it. I like having doors opened for me. - Ginnifer Goodwin
A lawyer is a gentleman that rescues your estate from your enemies and then keeps it to himself. - Henry P Brougham
There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy. - Goldie Hawn
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle
Why buy flowers for Valentine's Day? Just go to a cemetery and collect a dozen off a few graves. - Jarod Kintz
In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity. - Lauren Bacall
The thing about Valentine's day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of. - Faye Morgan
I don't want a lawyer to tell me what I cannot do. I hire one to tell me how to do what I want to do. - J P Morgan
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
A lawyer's duty is to read the law well himself, then tell the people what it is, and let them act upon it. - Brigham Young
The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer. - Will Rogers
Now we got a lawyer, we got civilization, which I understand to mean that a man has a chance to get rich without working. - Sinclair Lewis
The main business of a lawyer is to take the romance, the mystery, the irony, the ambiguity out of everything he touches. - Antonin Scalia
What's the first excellence in a lawyer? Tautology. What's the second? Tautology. What's the third? Tautology. - Richard Steele
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle
Honest and peace-loving people shun the Courts and are prepared to suffer loss rather than fall into a Lawyer's clutches. - Peter De Noronha
It is the business of a lawyer to find a hole to creep out of any law that is in his way; and if there is no hole, to make one. - W Ouseley
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. - Milton Berle
In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage. - Robert Anderson
A lawyer's performance in the courtroom is responsible for about 25 percent of the outcome; the remaining 75 percent depends on the facts. - Melvin Belli
There is not better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giraudoux
A lawyer, that entangles all men's honesties
And lives like a spider in a cobweb lurking,
And catching at all flies that pass his pitfalls. - Francis Beaumont
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. - Jack Benny
Whether you're a homemaker or a schoolteacher, a lawyer or a doctor, a news anchor or an aerobics instructor, everyone is conducting business each and every day. - Donald Trump
Non-Muslims in Saudi Arabia can only celebrate Valentine's Day behind closed doors. Apparently, this has led to a huge black market for flowers and wrapping paper. - John Niven
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner. - Jay Leno
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. - Unknown
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it. - WC Fields
Valentine's Day is when stores and restaurants get rich, men get lucky, and women fill their pretty faces with chocolate and put up with their man for six seconds at the end of the night. - Unknown
As a peacemaker the lawyer has a superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough. Never stir up litigation. A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this. - Abraham Lincoln
see also Lawyer & Valentine Sections
A Woman’s Mind
Childhood Romance
“Female Speak” Translation
Flower Shop For Men
iGifts
Looking For Your Wife?
Real Man’s Point System
Romance Lost
Secret Of A Long Marriage
Sheer Surprise
Understanding Women
Valentine’s Day Dinner
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26-Oct-2020 |