Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”
Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”
Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!”
Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”
Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”
To which Ma replies, “Hurts, don’t it?”
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
Can you fix my husband? He says he's broke. - Unknown
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
You can't fix stupid - not even with duct tape. - Unknown
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
Don't listen to their words, fix your attention on their deeds. - Albert Einstein
Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper. - Rex Reed
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
You can't fix things with a hug, but you can't make them any worse, either. - Dean Koontz
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper. - Billy Wilder
Jitterbug: 1. A Scotchman in front of a pay toilet; 2. Insect that's had too much coffee. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. - Jay Leno
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
I blend my green drink every morning. I also fix my son a full-on American breakfast with bacon and toast. - Liz Phair
You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. - Jeff Foxworthy
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
Some habits of ineffectiveness are rooted in our social conditioning toward quick-fix, short-term thinking. - Stephen Covey
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
If you can't even acknowledge that you have to fix social security, that's not a very good starting point. - Rob Portman
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose - a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye. - Mary Shelley
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
Worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes. - P.J. O'Rourke
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
Can you fix my husband? He says he's broke. - Unknown
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
You can't fix stupid - not even with duct tape. - Unknown
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
Don't listen to their words, fix your attention on their deeds. - Albert Einstein
Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper. - Rex Reed
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
You can't fix things with a hug, but you can't make them any worse, either. - Dean Koontz
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper. - Billy Wilder
Jitterbug: 1. A Scotchman in front of a pay toilet; 2. Insect that's had too much coffee. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. - Jay Leno
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
I blend my green drink every morning. I also fix my son a full-on American breakfast with bacon and toast. - Liz Phair
You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. - Jeff Foxworthy
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
Some habits of ineffectiveness are rooted in our social conditioning toward quick-fix, short-term thinking. - Stephen Covey
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
If you can't even acknowledge that you have to fix social security, that's not a very good starting point. - Rob Portman
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose - a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye. - Mary Shelley
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
Worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes. - P.J. O'Rourke
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
see also Bad Gas, Bathroom & Redneck Sections
Farmer’s Hole
Fix It Later Detour
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01-Jun-2020 |