Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
God help the patient. - Lord Mansfield
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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25-Oct-2020 |