Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Bernard Williams
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
My advice to myself and to everyone else, particularly young people, is to turn on, tune in and drop out. - Timothy Leary
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Bernard Williams
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
My advice to myself and to everyone else, particularly young people, is to turn on, tune in and drop out. - Timothy Leary
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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27-Feb-2020 |