Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice

Sage advice from the Psychiatrist

One hundred percent cured news


Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”


Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”


Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”


Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”


After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.


The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”


Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.


QuotaBills
God help the patient. - Lord Mansfield

Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown

A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb

A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown

Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun

The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly

I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse

Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark

I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia

Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus

He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover

I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder

Advice is like mushrooms. The wrong kind can prove fatal. - Charles E McKenzie

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson

Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson

I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher

Free Advice: The kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison

Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown

If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer

Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup

The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice you give others. - Amish Saying

My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector

Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings

Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood

If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire

The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby

People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany

A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard

The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer

Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush

Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail

With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin

Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones

"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield

Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown

Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling

I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner

A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair

It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide

My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder

An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese

If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon

A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot

Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown


see also   Doctor  Section
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06-Jul-2022