Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
In giving advice I advise you, be short. - Horace
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
In giving advice I advise you, be short. - Horace
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. - King George V
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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12-Aug-2020 |