Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
God help the patient. - Lord Mansfield
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup
I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
My advice to myself and to everyone else, particularly young people, is to turn on, tune in and drop out. - Timothy Leary
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup
I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
My advice to myself and to everyone else, particularly young people, is to turn on, tune in and drop out. - Timothy Leary
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labors of peace. - Andre Gide
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient, and the best things come to those who don't give up. - Zig Ziglar
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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05-Jun-2020 |