Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Bernard Williams
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffet
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
The kitchen. The bathroom. The yin and yang of the household. - David C. Holley
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. - Unknown
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Bernard Williams
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. - Samuel J. Meltzer
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice. - Unknown
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffet
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom. - Mark Twain
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Advice from a tree:
- Stand tall and proud
- Go out on a limb
- Remember your roots
- Drink plenty of water
- Enjoy the view - Unknown
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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