Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
God help the patient. - Lord Mansfield
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
Advice is like mushrooms. The wrong kind can prove fatal. - Charles E McKenzie
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
Free Advice: The kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
God made Adam first because he didn't want any advice from Eve how to make Adam. - Unknown
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I left as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. - Billy Connolly
Generosity gives assistance, rather than advice. - Marquis de Vauvenargues
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
Advice is like mushrooms. The wrong kind can prove fatal. - Charles E McKenzie
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
Free Advice: The kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to Les Folies Bergere and looks at the audience. - Mervyn Stockwood
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
God made Adam first because he didn't want any advice from Eve how to make Adam. - Unknown
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is like snow, the softer it falls the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
When a man won't listen to his conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total stranger. - Lindsey Stewart
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. - Rita Rudner
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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18-Jan-2022 |