Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
God help the patient. - Lord Mansfield
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
In giving advice I advise you, be short. - Horace
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example, not his advice. - Charles Kettering
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
In giving advice I advise you, be short. - Horace
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
I always advise people never to give advice. - P G Wodehouse
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. - Aesop
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
Many receive advice, but only the wise profit from it. - Syrus
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
A consultant is an ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar Wilde
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I used to practice Tony speeches in my bathroom with my hairbrush. - Audra McDonald
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice. - Joseph Addison
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
My honeymoon night was spent on the floor in the bathroom with my mother. - Ronnie Spector
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
If you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb
My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example, not his advice. - Charles Kettering
At Disneyland, you never go 'backstage' - even when you're in the bathroom. - Hideo Kojima
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
With every bathroom renovation, there are three areas that I focus on: budget, function and style. - Candice Olson
The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated. - George Bernard Shaw
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
Everyone has their preferred stroller, their preferred crib, their preferred Moses basket. And they have advice on that too! - Tori Spelling
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
I wish I had a nickel for every song that I've left in the bathroom, written down on a matchbox, or just totally forgotten about. - Tommy Shaw
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. - Evan Esar
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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16-Jan-2021 |