Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
God help the patient. - Lord Mansfield
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Counsel: Advice with a price tag - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
In giving advice I advise you, be short. - Horace
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
Advice is like mushrooms. The wrong kind can prove fatal. - Charles E McKenzie
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino
Free Advice: The kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
God made Adam first because he didn't want any advice from Eve how to make Adam. - Unknown
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example, not his advice. - Charles Kettering
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
Nurses are patient people. - Unknown
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Counsel: Advice with a price tag - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Treat the patient, not the X-ray. - James M. Hunter
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Whatever your advice, make it brief. - Horace
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
A patient man will ultimately succeed. - Unknown
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
In giving advice I advise you, be short. - Horace
The worst men often give the best advice. - Francis Bacon
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. - Benjamin Franklin
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Be patient and calm; no one can catch a fish with anger. - Herbert Hoover
Advice is like mushrooms. The wrong kind can prove fatal. - Charles E McKenzie
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. - Unknown
Psychiatrist: an M.D. who can't stand the sight of blood. - Unknown
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient has the right to accept your advice or to ignore it. - Martin H. Fischer
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
Every bathroom in my house will ultimately have a Toto bidet in it. - Ken Marino
Free Advice: The kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Some quick advice for success in life: Don't be afraid, be amazing. - Cuthbert Soup
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. - Josh Billings
I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got his tub. - Andy Roddick
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. - Stephen Colbert
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
There are two things that Jack Bauer never does. Show mercy, and go to the bathroom. - Kiefer Sutherland
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad. - Unknown
God made Adam first because he didn't want any advice from Eve how to make Adam. - Unknown
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
Never give advice unless you have walked the walk, because anybody can talk the talk. - Valencia Mackie
Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. - Agatha Christie
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis
Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example, not his advice. - Charles Kettering
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds. - Henny Youngman
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
Don't ever give anybody your best advice, because they're not going to follow it. - Jack Nicholson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
We seldom give each other advice - I think that's the success of 25 years of marriage. - Laura Bush
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. - Richard M Nixon
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. - Jenny Eclair
My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put yourself in good, positive surroundings. - Dan Gable
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and we are patient in them, we shall end in certainties. - Francis Bacon
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson
My wife was a make-up artist, and she's a total product junkie. Our bathroom is packed full of lotions and potions so I end up trying them out. - Robert Carlyle
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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17-Oct-2021 |