Young man: “You’ve got to help me, I can’t stop thinking that I’m a goat!”
Psychiatrist: “And how long have you had this problem?”
Young man: “Ever since I was a kid.”
Distraught young woman: “Tell me, what would you say to a patient who thought she was a set of drapes?”
Psychiatrist: “I’d tell her to pull herself together.”
Tanned man: “Oh, no – my skin is gold!”
Psychiatrist: “It’s nothing serious – just a gilt complex.”
Patient: “Ya gotta help me! Yesterday I thought I was a wigwam, and today I think I’m a teepee!”
Psychiatrist: “Calm down. You’re just too tents.”
After several years of treatments, Mr. Kravitz decided his psychiatrist wasn’t doing him a bit of good: he was broke now, whereas before he’d only been cracked.
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at the patient on the other side of the room.
“Yes, Mr. Patinson, I’m pleased to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.”
Mr. Patinson sighed, “Gee, that’s jus great.”
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why should I be,” Mr. Patinson shot back. “A year ago I was Genghis Khan. Now I’m nobody.”
Bored with his life, the psychiatrist went back to school and became a proctologist. He’s content now, dealing with odds and ends.
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
In giving advice I advise you, be short. - Horace
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
The sexual act was never constipated. - Archie Bunker
The patient always lies on the couch. - Unknown
Beware the wrath of a patient adversary. - John C. Calhoun
In giving advice I advise you, be short. - Horace
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom. - Candice Bergen
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
Don't give advice unless you're asked. - Amy Alcott
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
One can give advice comfortably from a safe port. - Johann Von Schiller
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
I write poems like some people sing in the bathroom. - Amit Bhatia
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. - Edgar Watson Howe
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. - Tammy Faye Bakker
He has diarrhoea of words and a constipation of ideas. - Unknown
I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder
There's a lot involved in going to the bathroom for women. - Leah Remini
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell
Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. - H.W. Shaw
If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer
There's no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
Never worry about criticism from people you would never take advice from. - Unknown
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
I started singing in the bathroom. Nothing was coming out. It was ghastly. - Rod Stewart
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Advice is like cooking - you should try it first before you feed it to others. - Unknown
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Never forget that it is not a pneumonia, but a pneumonic man who is your patient. - William Withey Gull
When I was younger I used to lock myself in the bathroom and read in the dry tub. - Karen Russell
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - Helen Keller
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. - Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield)
When advice is freely given, the receiver is free to use it as he or she sees fit. - Harvey Mackay
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
My first advice on how not to grow old would be to choose your ancestors carefully. - Bertrand Russell
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - St. Paul
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous. - Ani DiFranco
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
People advising others often forget that the same advice applies to their life as well. - Anuj Somany
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. - Kin Hubbard
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. - Laurence J Peter
The patient does not care about your science; what he wants to know is, can you cure him? - Martin H. Fischer
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time. - Kerry Kleinbergen
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen
For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
Psychiatry is the art of teaching people how to stand on their own two feet while reclining on couches. - Sigmund Freud
"Quit now, you'll never make it." If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there. - David Zucker
I sleep with a light on in the bathroom so I can see where I'm at, because I wake up and have no clue. - Carrie Underwood
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
Let the young know they will never find a more interesting, more instructive book than the patient himself. - Giorgio Baglivi
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway. - Warren Buffett
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. - Arthur C. Clarke
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope
An expert problem solver must be endowed with two incompatible qualities: a restless imagination and a patient pertinacity. - Howard Eves
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate - that's my philosophy. - Thornton Wilder
A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell
An expert is somebody who is more than fifty miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. - Edwin Meese
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. - James Thurber
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. - Charles W. Eliot
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
see also Doctor Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Colon Celery
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Dog Proctologist
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Singing Gynecologist
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06-Jun-2020 |