We start to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’s off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we’re having Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we’ll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it’s huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push,” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it’s time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30’s to early 40’s while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the re-mentioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but “Womanhood” would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the “weaker sex”? Yeah right. Bite me.
Women's word is never done. - American Proverb
A woman's work is never done - by men. - Unknown
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. - Irina Dunn
Orators are most vehement when their cause is weak. - Cicero
A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition. - Unknown
Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. - Oscar Wilde
Women would not be prostitutes if it were not for men. - Baroness Vickers
All women are crazy, it's only a question of degree. - WC Fields
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. - Walt Disney
A great city is that which has the greatest men and women. - Walt Whitman
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. - Mark Twain
Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak. - Sun Tzu
A meal without cheese is like a beautiful woman who lacks an eye. - Jean A Brillat-Savarin
As long as she thinks of a man, nobody objects to a woman thinking. - Virginia Woolf
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them. - Groucho Marx
My greatest regret is not knowing at 30 what I knew about women at 60. - Arthur Miller
Women should not have children after 35. Really? 35 children is enough. - Bill Murray
Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man. - Erica Jong
If women can be railroad workers in Russia, why can't they fly in space? - Valentina Tereshkova
Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace. - Don Herold
To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German. - Emperor Charles V
A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald, but if he has fire, women will like him. - Mae West
My idea of walking into the jaws of death is marrying some woman who'd lost three husbands. - Kin Hubbard
After all, inside every woman, no matter how grown up she is, there is still a frightened little girl. - Sergei Lukyanenko
I learned that it is the weak who are cruel, and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong. - Leo Rosten
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age; a woman who would tell one would tell one anything. - Oscar Wilde
No matter how plain a woman may be, if truth and honesty are written across her face, she will be beautiful. - Eleanor Roosevelt
There goes a woman who knows all the things that can be taught and none of the things that cannot be taught. - Coco Chanel
Remember, we're fighting for this woman’s honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done! - Groucho Marx
I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything. - Oscar Wilde
Women are the most powerful magnet in the universe. And all men are cheap metal. And we all know where north is. - Larry Miller
She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman. - Oscar Wilde
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. - Oscar Wilde
I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I'm more honest and my women are more beautiful. - Donald Trump
Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men's behavior is measured with a feminine ruler. - Francesca M. Cancian
Of the two lots, the woman's lot of perpetual motherhood, and the man's of perpetual babyhood, I prefer the man's. - Bernard Shaw
When a woman puts on a heel, she has a different posture, a different attitude. She really stands up and has a consciousness of her body. - Christian Louboutin
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield
Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in. - Casey Stengel
A woman with confidence is hypnotic. A smile is mesmerizing. Presence, openness, a sense of humor - these are all things that make a woman attractive. - Jessica Ortner
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Everything Men Know About Women
New Drugs For Women
Out Of Estrogen - Make My Day
PMS Greeting From The Teacher
PMS Guide for Male Attraction
Understanding Women - Pocket Edition
Why Women Are Crabby
Redneck Beer Hunter
Ice Cream Burqa
Antler Switch Plate
Redneck Cotter Pin
Your Fly Is Down
Political Promise Hauler
Steering Wheel For Couples
Confined By Walls
Redneck Selfie Stick