We start to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’s off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we’re having Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we’ll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it’s huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push,” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it’s time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30’s to early 40’s while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the re-mentioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but “Womanhood” would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the “weaker sex”? Yeah right. Bite me.
I married beneath me. All women do. - Lady Nancy Astor
Women are made to be loved, not understood. - Oscar Wilde
Rudeness if the weak man's imitation of strength. - Eric Hoffer
A weeping man and a smiling woman are not to be trusted. - Indian Proverb
I only take Viagra when I'm with more than one woman. - Jack Nicholson
Mouse: An animal which strews its path with fainting women. - Ambrose Bierce
I think housework is the reason most women go to the office. - Heloise Cruse
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Wilhelm II
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. - George Burns
The three words every woman really longs to hear: I'll clean up. - Molly Shannon
The husbands of very beautiful women belong to the criminal classes. - Oscar Wilde
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason. - Stanley Baldwin
Men fall in love with their eyes. Women fall in love with their ears. - Dr. Phil McGraw
The 3 fastest means of communication: Twitter; Telephone; Tell a woman. - Unknown
I am a woman meant for a man, but I never found a man who could compete. - Bette Davis
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. - Christopher Morley
The woman who can create her own job is the one who will win fame and fortune. - Amelia Earhart
Menopause is our chance to say, "I am woman - open a freaking window." - Unknown
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and women are created equal. - Elizabeth Cady Stanton
When I passed 40 I dropped pretence, 'cause men like women who got some sense. - Maya Angelou
No honest work of man or woman "fails"; it feeds the sum of all human action. - Michelene Wandor
The Book of Life begins with a man and woman in a garden, and it ends with Revelations. - Oscar Wilde
A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water. - Eleanor Roosevelt
When once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her body. - John Vanbrugh
The true republic: men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less. - Franklin P Adams
Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don't blame Bruce Jenner at all. - Trevor Noah
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you. - Groucho Marx
First women subtract from their age, then they divide it, and then they extract its square root. - Unknown
There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy. - Goldie Hawn
Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. - Unknown
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. - Anais Nin
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. - Robert Frost
All of the women on 'The Apprentice' flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected. - Donald Trump
Except for a few guitar chords, everything I've learned in my life that is of any value I've learned from women. - Glenn Frey
I wore a thong and a bra and a wig. Those things hurt. I mean, thongs? Like, they dig in. It takes a tough man to be a woman. - Hank Azaria
Of the two lots, the woman's lot of perpetual motherhood, and the man's of perpetual babyhood, I prefer the man's. - Bernard Shaw
If a woman says, 'Do what you want', do not do what you want. Stand still. Do not blink. Don't even breathe. Just play dead. - Unknown
I love writing for women. The willingness to go from laughter to tears in a moment is the greatest palette you can paint with as a writer. - Michael P King
Never play cards with a man called Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - Nelson Algren
7 Dwarfs of Menopause
Everything Men Know About Women
New Drugs For Women
Out Of Estrogen - Make My Day
PMS Greeting From The Teacher
PMS Guide for Male Attraction
Understanding Women - Pocket Edition
Why Women Are Crabby
Sidewalk Malt Melt
Senior's Golf Cart
Throwaway Sport Paper
Blonde Geometry Student
Airless See-Through Tires
Unless Your Dog Can Do This