We start to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’s off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we’re having Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we’ll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it’s huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push,” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it’s time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30’s to early 40’s while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the re-mentioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but “Womanhood” would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the “weaker sex”? Yeah right. Bite me.
Women Liberteens - Archie Bunker
What do women want? - Sigmund Freud
Tis brief, my lord... as woman's love. - William Shakespeare
Ideal Wife: Any woman who has an ideal husband - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I think Queen Elizabeth II is a charming woman. - Malcolm Muggeridge
A man thinks he knows, but a woman knows better. - Indian Proverb
Trim Figures: What women do when they tell their age - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength. - Eric Hoffer
Women like silent men. They think they're listening. - Marcel Achard
Women like silent men, they think they're listening. - George Carlin
Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. - H L Mencken
Organ Recital: A group of women discussing their operations - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Masseuse: A woman who doesn't keep her hands to herself - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I think housework is the reason most women go to the office. - Heloise Cruse
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. - Kathy Lette
Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee. - Stephanie Piro
Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse. - Spike Milligan
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them. - Groucho Marx
A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes. - Joseph Addison
Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive. - Kirk Douglas
A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea. - Honore de Balzac
There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse. - Laurence Sterne
Bargain Sale: A place where a woman can ruin one dress while she buys another - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. - Erma Bombeck
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and women are created equal. - Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Co-Operation: An exchange between a woman and a man in which she coos and he operates - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. - Helen Rowland
My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, for the love of God women, eat a salad. - Unknown
I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King. - Elizabeth I
First women subtract from their age, then they divide it, and then they extract its square root. - Unknown
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman. - Woody Allen
Crying doesn't indicate that you are weak. Ever since you were born it's been a sign that you are alive. - Unknown
She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman. - Oscar Wilde
There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. - Oscar Wilde
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong? - George Carlin
A woman should never be seen eating or drinking, unless it be lobster salad and Champagne, the only true feminine and becoming viands. - George G. Byron
Strapless Gown: 1. When a woman won't shoulder the responsibility; 2. A compromise between the law of decency and the law of gravity. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield
I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of what women want. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate. - Mel Gibson
The 77 cents that women make for every dollar men earn makes a real difference to our families - families stretching to make every dollar count. - Barbara Mikulski
7 Dwarfs of Menopause
Everything Men Know About Women
New Drugs For Women
Out Of Estrogen - Make My Day
PMS Greeting From The Teacher
PMS Guide for Male Attraction
Understanding Women - Pocket Edition
Why Women Are Crabby
Despicable Wood Stove
Hunter's Dream Wedding
Paddy Field Canal
Grow A Boyfriend
Custer's Last Stand?
Hand Held Tourist
Second Hand Work
Ostrich Fill Up
Reach For Your Dreams