We start to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’s off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we’re having Rosemary’s Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we’ll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it’s huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push,” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it’s time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30’s to early 40’s while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: “The Menopause,” the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the re-mentioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but “Womanhood” would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the “weaker sex”? Yeah right. Bite me.
Nag: A woman with no horse sense - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Successful Woman: One who finds such a man - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Put the light out, and all women are alike. - German Proverb
For most of history, Anonymous was a woman. - Virginia Woolf
I think Queen Elizabeth II is a charming woman. - Malcolm Muggeridge
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. - Irina Dunn
Waitress: A woman who thinks money grows on trays - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Trim Figures: What women do when they tell their age - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs. - Noel Coward
Organ Recital: A group of women discussing their operations - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx
Amazing women don't have hot flashes. We have power surges. - Unknown
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. - George Burns
Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another. - H L Mencken
Men fall in love with their eyes. Women fall in love with their ears. - Dr. Phil McGraw
On one issue at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women. - H L Mencken
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. - Christopher Morley
Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive. - Kirk Douglas
The testimony of a woman has only half the value of the testimony of a man. - Iranian Penal Code
Blessed be Thou, our God and Lord of Hosts, who has not created me a woman. - Jewish Prayer
There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse. - Laurence Sterne
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. - Natalie Wood
Bargain Sale: A place where a woman can ruin one dress while she buys another - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
She knew what all smart women knew: Laughter made you live better and longer. - Gail Parent
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. - Erma Bombeck
Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace. - Don Herold
Here's to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them. - Unknown
The Book of Life begins with a man and woman in a garden, and it ends with Revelations. - Oscar Wilde
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. - Oscar Wilde
As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied. - Oscar Wilde
Conscientious Woman: One who never breaks a confidence without first imposing the strictest secrecy - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman. - Virginia Woolf
A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view. - Sophia Loren
Men prefer brief praise, pitched high; women are satisfied with praise in a lower key, just so it goes on and on - Mignon McLaughlin
Of the two lots, the woman's lot of perpetual motherhood, and the man's of perpetual babyhood, I prefer the man's. - Bernard Shaw
From a shy, timid girl I had become a woman of resolute character, who could no longer be frightened by the struggle with troubles. - Anna Dostoevsky
Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking. - Bill Vaughan
I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of what women want. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate. - Mel Gibson
There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman
A woman with confidence is hypnotic. A smile is mesmerizing. Presence, openness, a sense of humor - these are all things that make a woman attractive. - Jessica Ortner
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