Operator: “Thank you for calling Olympic Pizza. May I have your...”
Customer: “Hi, I’d like to order.”
Operator: “May I have your NIDN first, sir?”
Customer: “My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh… it’s 6102049798-45-54610.”
Operator: “Thank you, Mr. Ward. I see you live at 1642 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number’s 495-2177. Your office number over at Squamish Insurance is 745-2305 and your cell number’s 276-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?”
Customer: “Huh? I’m at home. Where d’ya get all this information?”
Operator: “We’re wired into the system, sir.”
Customer: (Sighs) “Oh, well, I’d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special Luge pizzas - the one that the street luge guy almost ordered...”
Operator: “I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.”
Customer: “Whaddya mean?”
Operator: “Sir, your medical records indicate that you’ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.”
Customer: “Dang. What do you recommend, then?”
Operator: “You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like it.”
Customer: “What makes you think I’d like something like that?”
Operator: “Well, you checked out “Gourmet Soybean Recipes” on Google last week, sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.”
Customer: “All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What’s that cost?”
Operator: “That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The “damage,” as you refer to in several of your past emails to us, comes to $49.99.”
Customer: “Lemme give you my credit card number.”
Operator: “I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.”
Customer: “I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.”
Operator: “That won’t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn.”
Customer: “Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?”
Operator: “We’re running a little behind - it’ll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick ’em up while you’re out getting the
cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.”
Customer: “How the heck do you know I’m riding a bike?”
Operator: “It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car got reposessed. But your Harley’s paid up, so I just assumed that you’d be using it.”
Customer: “@#%/$@&?#!”
Operator: “I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop.”
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: “Will there be anything else, sir?”
Customer: “No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don’t forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas.”
Operator: “I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics.”
Lawyers are guardians of the legal order. - Philip Wood
Life is too short not to order the bacon dessert. - George Takei
In order to be walked on, you have to be lying down. - Brian Weir
People hasten to judge in order not to be judged themselves. - Albert Camus
We often do good in order that we may do evil with impunity. - Francoise de la Rochefoucauld
Do your job and demand your compensation - but in that order. - Cary Grant
Words were not given to man in order to conceal his thoughts. - Jose Saramago
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. - Count Talleyrand
In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant. - Charles de Gaulle
In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty. - Imbesi's Law of Conservation of Filth
The greatest masterpiece in literature is only a dictionary out of order. - Jean Cocteau
When I quote others I do so in order to express my own ideas more clearly. - Michel de Montaigne
In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion. - Albert Camus
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. - Groucho Marx
I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. - Pablo Picasso
In this religious order has flourished and is revitalized the order of Knighthood. - Knights Templar
Zero: The number of times you’ve gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six. - Yogi Berra
I'm not afraid of death. It's the stake one puts up in order to lay the game of life. - Jean Giraudoux
I have CDO. It's like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be. - Unknown
It is good to vary in order that you may frustrate the curious, especially those who envy you. - Baltasar Gracian
I actually lost 90 pounds over the course of 15 months in order to save money on life insurance. - Derek Kilmer
Life is like a bank account. You must put something in it in order for you to take anything out. - Joe Segal
Old minds are like old horses; you must exercise them if you wish to keep them in working order. - John Adams
That's what storytellers do. We restore order with imagination. We instill hope again and again. - Walt Disney
Men are born with two eyes but with one tongue, in order that they may see twice as much as they say. - C.C. Colton
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. - Ludwig Wittgenstein
In order to have faith in his own path, he does not need to prove that someone else's path is wrong. - Paulo Coelho
Let's be frank, the Italians' technological contribution to humankind stopped with the pizza oven. - Bill Bryson
From where we stand the rain seems random. If we could stand somewhere else, we would see the order in it. - Tony Hillerman
God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way. - C S Lewis
I like to eat pizza and spaghetti pomodoro, and I'm crazy for dessert. I like all of them: cassata, cheesecake, biscuits. - Stefano Gabbana
Businesses should follow and learn from others' successes and failures in order to better understand and predict their own. - Ben Mezrich
A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. - Paul Sweeney
The mathematical sciences particularly exhibit order, symmetry, and limitation; and these are the greatest forms of the beautiful. - Aristotle
A party of order or stability, and a party of progress or reform, are both necessary elements of a healthy state of political life. - John Stuart Mill
My daily diet consists of basically anything I think looks tasty, whether that's pizza, sushi, burgers, quesadillas. I like everything. - Cameron Dallas
Among creatures born into chaos, a majority will imagine an order, a minority will question the order, and the rest will be pronounced insane. - Robert Brault
The men who have done big things are those who were not afraid to attempt big things, who were not afraid to risk failure in order to gain success. - B.C. Forbes
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14-Apr-2021 |