Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi’ the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin’ a’ ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a’body’s gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
it’s like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try tae stop the leakin’ air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it disnae reek
But a’ the efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o’ thunder
Ricochets arrond the room
Michty me! a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
A’ hope a’ huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a’ better scurry
Whit the hell, it’s no ma worry
A’body roon aboot me choakin’
One or two are nearly boakin’
I’ll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
It wis him! I shout and glower
Alas too late, he’s just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
I’m no that welcome any mair
Where e’re ye go let yer wind gang free
That sounds jist the joab fir me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie’s party
Ower the sake o’ one wee farty.
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin
Medicine is the best medicine. - Doctors Anonymous
The greatest wealth is health. - Virgil
Laughter is the best medicine. - Joe-kster
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali
Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. - Plato
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid
Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
The worst thing about medicine is that one kind makes another necessary. - Elbert Hubbard
Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh
Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley
But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter
We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves. - Prince Philip
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi
There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - O.S. Marden
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin
Medicine is the best medicine. - Doctors Anonymous
The greatest wealth is health. - Virgil
Laughter is the best medicine. - Joe-kster
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
We are here on Earth to fart around. - Kurt Vonnegut
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali
Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. - Plato
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid
Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
That Gerald Ford. He can't fart and chew gum at the same time. - Lyndon B. Johnson
There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
The worst thing about medicine is that one kind makes another necessary. - Elbert Hubbard
Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh
Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley
But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter
We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves. - Prince Philip
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi
There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - O.S. Marden
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
see also Bad Gas Section
Acceptable Doctors Sign
Car-nage
Car Surgeon
Colon Celery
Colonoscopy Comments
Colorectal Exam For Dogs
Colorectal Surgeon Praise
Constipated Mathematician
Doctor’s Flat Examination
Dog Proctologist
Exhausting Gyne Work
Fart Facts
First Proctologist Exam (PG)
German Flatulence Control
Japanese Diving Platform
Menopause Sucks
Proctologist Call
Proctologist’s Second-Hand Prescription
Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice
Singing Gynecologist
 Ice Hockey Meltdown |  Tough Love |  Easter Island |  Flood Bridge |  Don't Count On It |
 Upended Water Buffalo |  2020 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars (3) |  Face Heater |  Leap Year Shirt |  World's Greatest Typo |
 Icehenge |  Found It! |  Puma Pants |  Polar Bear Attack |  Foot Sign Language |
 Winter Tires |  Hooters Face Mask |  Latte Art |  Whiskey Toothpaste |  Titanic's Non-Romantic Scene |
27-Feb-2020 |