Lutheran Airlines - New Service
in Minnesnowta

Consider Lutheran Air - the no-frills airline



Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesnowta.
Also serving Visconsin, Nort Dekota, and Moontana. Try it - you vill like it.

“If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re all in da same boat on Lutheran Air, vere flying is an uplifting experience.

There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.

All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.

Okay then, listen up: I’m only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson because ve fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I vouldn’t bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes. You’re gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence vhich, to be honest with you, ve’re going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet, sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a vile you get used to it.

In the event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying the Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to the part about “forgive us our sins as ve forgive those who sin against us, vich some people say trespass against us,” vich isn’t right, but vat can you do?

The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may interfere vith the plane’s navigational system, vich is seat of the pants all the way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mouth on the side of your head.

Ve’re going to start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style vith the coffee pot up front.

Then ve’ll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you. Don’t take yours vith you ven you go or am going to be real upset and I am not kidding!

Right now I’ll say Grace. “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Duluth or pretty close. Amen.”



Original post on “A Prairie Home Companion”, December 6, 2003
by Garrison Keillor

QuotaBills
Breathing dreams like air. - F Scott Fitzgerald

The voice is nothing but beaten air. - Seneca

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. - Unknown

Luck is like having a rice dumpling fly into your mouth. - Japanese Proverb

As the velocity of air increases, its pressure decreases. - Daniel Bernoulli

He imagines a necessary joy in things that must fly to eat. - Wendell Berry

The sky is the limit only for those who aren't afraid to fly. - Bob Bello

I think being a dragon would be pretty awesome... you get to fly. - Josh Keaton

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant. - Richard J. Ferris

This is perfect weather for today's game. Not a breath of air. - Curt Gowdy

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - Steven Wright

If ever a chef were to cook a fly, he would keep the breast for himself. - Poland Proverb

Something in the air this morning made me feel like flying... Spring Flight - Eileen Granfors

Thank God men cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the earth. - Henry David Thoreau

The nation that secures control of the air will ultimately control the world. - Alexander Graham Bell

I love Halloween: the cold air, the spooky dangers lurking around the corner. - Evan Peters

Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo. - Al Gore

Now that I've found the way to fly, which direction should I go into the night? - Ally Condie

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly. - Lanston Hughes

He who waits for a roast duck to fly into his mouth must wait a very, very long time. - Chinese Proverb

My tent doesn't look like much but it is air-conditioned and has exceptional location. - Fennel Hudson

You can't fly with the owls by night and expect to keep up with the eagles during the day. - Unknown

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do. - Golda Meir

We breathe air, trees make air, homework kills trees, therefore homework is going to kill us all. - Unknown

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny

Nothing can move a man who is paid by the hour; how sweet the flight of time seems to his calm mind. - Charles D Warner

I want the pilot flying me up in the air at 30,000 feet to make more than a guy working at Taco Bell. - Michael Moore

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russell

Give me my golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. - Henry Ford

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded, "Take me to the Canaries." - Bob Monkhouse

The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?" - Robin Williams

Bruce Lee's fast pace, Jet Li's pretty style and Jet Li's acrobatics combine with Muay Thai for my own style. - Tony Jaa

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. - Rodney Dangerfield

It's better to swim in the sea below
Than to swing in the air and feed the crow,
Says jolly Ned Teach of Bristol. - Benjamin Franklin

Aim at the sun, and you may not reach it; but your arrow will fly far higher than if aimed at an object on a level with yourself. - Joel Hawes

It's like running a marathon race. We train all hours of the day. When you are taking a bath, you are thinking of the flight. - Kalpana Chawla

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of twenty-two, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation. - Tom Stoppard

This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet. - Rumi

Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings. - Victor Hugo


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09-Apr-2020