Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesnowta.
Also serving Visconsin, Nort Dekota, and Moontana. Try it - you vill like it.
“If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re
all in da same boat on Lutheran Air, vere flying is an uplifting experience.
There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you with the safety
system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.
Okay then, listen up: I’m only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill
Captain Olson because ve fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure
would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I
vouldn’t bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You’re gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back
up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence
vhich, to be honest with you, ve’re going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet,
sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a vile you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying the Lord’s
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about “forgive us our sins as ve forgive
those who sin against us, vich some people
say trespass against us,” vich isn’t right, but vat can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may
interfere vith the plane’s navigational system, vich is seat of the pants all
the way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant
you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mouth on the side of your head.
Ve’re going to start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style vith the
coffee pot up front.
Then ve’ll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you. Don’t
take yours vith you ven you go or am going to be real upset and I am not
Right now I’ll say Grace. “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these gifts to
us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Duluth or pretty close.
Original post on “A Prairie Home Companion”, December 6, 2003
by Garrison Keillor
There is no flying without wings. - French Proverb
The voice is nothing but beaten air. - Seneca
Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. - Lord Kelvin
Roasted pigeons will not fly into one's mouth. - Dutch Proverb
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. - Unknown
You cannot fly like an eagle with the wings of a wren. - William Henry Hudson
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. - Mel Brooks
Luck is like having a rice dumpling fly into your mouth. - Japanese Proverb
As the velocity of air increases, its pressure decreases. - Daniel Bernoulli
If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us air tickets. - Mel Brooks
The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
Disappointments are to the soul what thunderstorms are to the air. - Johann C. F. von Schiller
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - Steven Wright
The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm. - Alexander Woollcott
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus. - Robin Williams
Something in the air this morning made me feel like flying... Spring Flight - Eileen Granfors
If women can be railroad workers in Russia, why can't they fly in space? - Valentina Tereshkova
The nation that secures control of the air will ultimately control the world. - Alexander Graham Bell
I love Halloween: the cold air, the spooky dangers lurking around the corner. - Evan Peters
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. - Jonathan Winters
Now that I've found the way to fly, which direction should I go into the night? - Ally Condie
Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly. - Lanston Hughes
He who waits for a roast duck to fly into his mouth must wait a very, very long time. - Chinese Proverb
My tent doesn't look like much but it is air-conditioned and has exceptional location. - Fennel Hudson
You can't fly with the owls by night and expect to keep up with the eagles during the day. - Unknown
We breathe air, trees make air, homework kills trees, therefore homework is going to kill us all. - Unknown
Nothing can move a man who is paid by the hour; how sweet the flight of time seems to his calm mind. - Charles D Warner
Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything. - Plato
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russell
A fly, Sir, may sting a stately horse and make him wince; but, one is but an insect, and the other is a horse still. - Samuel Johnson
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
So just what are time flies, and why do they fly like an arrow? - Groucho Marx
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded, "Take me to the Canaries." - Bob Monkhouse
The reason birds can fly and we can't is simply because they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings. - J.M. Barrie
Bruce Lee's fast pace, Jet Li's pretty style and Jet Li's acrobatics combine with Muay Thai for my own style. - Tony Jaa
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. - Rodney Dangerfield
It's better to swim in the sea below
Than to swing in the air and feed the crow,
Says jolly Ned Teach of Bristol. - Benjamin Franklin
Southwest Airlines is successful because the company understands it's a customer service company. It also happens to be an airline. - Harvey Mackay
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? - George Carlin
Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground. - Jarod Kintz
This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet. - Rumi
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