You Might Be A Redneck If...
Ever taken your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree?

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Bikers back down from your momma.
Birds are attracted to your beard.

Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”

Fewer than half of your cars run.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is.

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave ’em in the shade.
The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Walmart.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?”
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
The trunk of your car is tied down and you’re not hauling anything.

There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
There’s an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
You consider dating second cousins as “playing the field”.
You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
You did not put the pink plastic flamingos in your front yard as a joe-k.
You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You haul more than U-Haul.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You have a tennis ball on your antenna.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You have orange road cones in your living room.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You have to dress up the kids to go to K-Mart.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You know how to milk a goat.
You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
You paint your car with house paint.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You refer to the fifth grade as “my senior year.”
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
You rip a loud one and blame your date.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
You think “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
You think the “Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You think toilet water is exactly that.
You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You use the term “over yonder” more than once a month.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
You wonder how service stations keep their bathrooms so clean.
You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception.

Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Your chili’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
Your dog goes “oink!”
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
Your family considers a trip to West Virginia a religious pilgrimage.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
Your Fourth of July cookout has ever been ruined because someone got drunk and burned the Spam.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
Your kids take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”
Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
Your momma has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
Your momma keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You’re an expert on worm beds.
You’ve asked the preacher “How’s it hangin’?”
You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
You’ve ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
You’ve ever used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
You’ve ever used lard in bed.
You’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.

see also   Redneck  Section
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