[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. - Charles Lamb
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. - Steven Wright
We must teach our children to dream with their eyes open. - Harry Edwards
We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. - Buck Henry
I look in the mirror through the eyes of the child that was me. - Judy Collins
If you can give your child only one gift, let it be enthusiasm. - Bruce Barton
As long as you know men are like children, you know everything. - Coco Chanel
There is never a problem child; there is only a problem parent. - A.S. Neill
Bricks may make a house, but the laughter of children makes a home. - Irish Proverb
Children see things very well sometimes - and idealists even better. - Lorraine Hansbury
The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children. - Jim Henson
Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. - Groucho Marx
Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou
Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them. - Rita Rudner
Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age. - William Feather
Children are paparazzi. They take your picture when you don't want them to. - Jamie Lee Curtis
No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut. - Sam Rayburn
The language of the law must not be foreign to the ears of those who are to obey it. - Learned hand
My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng
A person's name is, to that person, the sweetest, most important sound in any language. - Dale Carnegie
Grammar, which knows how to lord it over kings, and with high hands makes them obey its laws. - Moliere
I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China! - Jarod Kintz
Human language appears to be a unique phenomenon, without significant analogue in the animal world. - Noam Chomsky
Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Our children may learn about heroes of the past. Our task is to make ourselves architects of the future. - Jomo Mzee Kenyatta
The legacy I want to leave is a child-care system that says no kid is going to be left alone or left unsafe. - Marian Wright Edelman
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmot
The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm. - Aldous Huxley
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
Imagine if you succeeded in making the world perfect for your children what a shock the rest of life would be for them. - Joyce Maynard
Every time a child says, "I don't believe in fairies," there is a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead. - Sir James M. Barrie
Forgiveness is that subtle thread that binds both love and friendship. Without forgiveness, you may not even have a child one day. - George Foreman
Having kids - the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings - is the biggest job anyone can embark on. - Maria Shriver
We've got to work to save our children and do it with full respect for the fact that if we do not, no one else is going to do it. - Dorothy Height
Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them. - Antoine de Saint-Expurey
It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings. - Ann Landers
When I know that, if I have no inspiration whatsoever, when I come and I just feel empty, I have nothing, I know that I can still play the scene. - Christopher Walken
Blessed be Providence which has given to each his toy: the doll to the child, the child to the woman, the woman to the man, the man to the devil. - Victor Hugo
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
 My Daughter and My Money |  Executive Decision Time |  Animal Rings |  Cow Return |  Biggest Fan On The Block |
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06-Jun-2020 |