[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Adults are just obsolete children. - Dr. Seuss
Every child begins the world again. - Henry David Thoreau
The eyes have one language everywhere. - George Herbert
Dance is the hidden language of the soul. - Martha Graham
Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it. - Christopher Morley
With kids, the days are long, but the years are short. - John Leguizamo
A new toy is something a child uses to break his old toys. - Joe-kster
Our greatest natural resource is the minds of our children. - Walt Disney
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield
I don't teach my children what is Hindu and what is Muslim. - Shah Rukh Khan
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. - Fran Lebowitz
Experience is the child of thought, and thought is the child of action. - Benjamin Disraeli
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. - Dave Barry
Short of screaming-hot Thai food, everything can be suitable for kids too. - Guy Fieri
Enthusiasm is excitement with inspiration, motivation, and a pinch of creativity. - Bo Bennett
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller
Children need the freedom and time to play. Play is not a luxury. Play is a necessity. - Kay R. Jamison
My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng
When I see my granddaughters make small discoveries of their own, I wish I were a child. - Dr. Seuss
Children are not a distraction for more important work. They are the most important work. - C S Lewis
When I was a child, I wanted to raise horses in Wyoming or be a cabin boy on a pirate ship. - Sadie Jones
Grammar: the difference between Feeling Your Nuts and Feeling You're Nuts. - Unknown
Language is our meeting place, the sea we live in…it is the common ground of our humanity. - Toby Wolfe
No more massive injections. Tiny children are not horses - one vaccine at a time, over time. - Donald Trump
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose. - Garrison Keillor
Fathers are like a lighthouse - when there is fog his children can always depend on seeing the light. - Unknown
As a child, I was subjected to a lot of spaghetti Westerns and hated them. I wanted the Indians to win. - Kara Walker
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone, or forbid your children to do it. - Mona Crane
Inspiration comes unawares, from unaccountable sources that have nothing to do with planning or intelligence. - Maurice Chevalier
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. - WC Fields
I am afraid we must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy. - George Bernard Shaw
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
The greatest sign of success for a teacher is to be able to say, "The children are now working as if I did not exist." - Maria Montessori
If I had one wish for my children, it would be that each of them would reach for goals that have meaning for them as individuals. - Lillian Carter
We've got to work to save our children and do it with full respect for the fact that if we do not, no one else is going to do it. - Dorothy Height
I've seen whales calving in the waters off Maui, and I've watched my children being born. But music is the most beautiful thing of all. - Steven Tyler
A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. - Bill Vaughan
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
 Catch Your Man |  Early Morning Conversation |  Canadian Weather |  Demo House For Sale |  Mexican Fire Extinguisher |
 Five Stages of a Female's Life |  Edible Pi |  2020 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars (3) |  Seuss Army Knife |  Government Snow Plow |
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29-Feb-2020 |