[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Thank God kids never mean well. - Lily Tomlin
A rich child often sits in a poor mother's lap. - Danish Proverb
Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. - Ed Asner
With kids, the days are long, but the years are short. - John Leguizamo
For when a child is born the mother also is born again. - Gilbert Parker
Our children are only as brilliant as we allow them to be. - Eric Micha'el Leventhal
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable. - Quentin Crisp
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children. - George Burns
Jackpot: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Teach the children so it will not be necessary to teach the adults. - Abraham Lincoln
Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best. - Bob Talbert
All kids are gifted: some just open their packages earlier than others. - Michael Carr
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. - Phyllis Diller
Grammar is a piano I play by ear. All I know about grammar is its power. - Joan Didion
Dreams say what they mean, but they don't say it in daytime language. - Gail Godwin
Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. - Buddy Hackett
Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light? - Maurice Freehill
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Henry Ward Beecher
If you're going to write a book on how to raise children, do it before you have them. - Bob McLaren
The first man to use abusive language instead of his fists was the founder of civilization. - Sigmund Freud
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China! - Jarod Kintz
I invite everyone to choose forgiveness rather than division, teamwork over personal ambition. - Jean-Francois Cope
Don't worry that your children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. - Robert Fulghum
The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable. - Lane Olinghouse
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. - Steven Wright
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. - Ogden Nash
The only way to write a great book is to write it with the eyes of a child who sees things for the first time. - Arnold Bennett
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter
When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. - Nora Ephron
Unbreakable Toy: 1. An object that is indestructible - until a child plays with it; 2. Useful for breaking other toys. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity there ain't nothing can beat teamwork. - Mark Twain
The protean nature of the computer is such that it can act like a machine or like a language to be shaped and exploited. - Alan Kay
Children despise their parents until the age of forty, when they suddenly become just like them, thus preserving the system. - Quentin Crewe
If you want your kids to listen to you, don't yell at them. Whisper. Make them lean in. My kids taught me that. I do it with adults now. - Mario Batali
I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity. - Eleanor Roosevelt
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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20-Sep-2021 |