[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
I am disappointment in you're grammar. - Unknown
Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park. - Unknown
The best way to make children is to make them happy. - Oscar Wilde
The art of communication is the language of leadership. - James Humes
A child educated only at school is an uneducated child. - George Santayana
You know what's cool? My kids think I'm ordinary. - Michael J. Fox
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable. - Quentin Crisp
A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield
There is never a problem child; there is only a problem parent. - A.S. Neill
Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. - Neil Postman
Changes in language often reflect the changing values of a culture. - Ravi Zacharias
Children see things very well sometimes - and idealists even better. - Lorraine Hansbury
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. - Gore Vidal
Silence is the language of God; it is also the language of the heart. - Sivananda
Raising kids make most people, including me, grow up at least a little. - Madonna
Grammar is a piano I play by ear. All I know about grammar is its power. - Joan Didion
Four very powerful words to say to your child: "I believe in you." - Kevin Heath
Grandchildren are God's rewards to grandparents for not shooting their children. - Unknown
Vasectomy: 1. Never having to say you're sorry; 2. Spoil the rod. Spare the child. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. - Phyllis Diller
What is so real as the cry of a child? A rabbit's cry may be wilder but it has no soul. - Sylvia Plath
I had a very happy childhood, which is unsuitable if you're going to be an Irish writer. - Maeve Binchy
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fathers are like a lighthouse - when there is fog his children can always depend on seeing the light. - Unknown
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones
It's triple the Trump this season... I invited my children, Don Jr. and Ivanka into the boardroom. - Donald Trump
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. - P J O'Rourke
Let early education be a sort of amusement; you will then better be able to find out the natural bent of the child. - Plato
Grow up, and that is a terribly hard thing to do. It is much easier to skip it and go from one childhood to another. - F Scott Fitzgerald
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson
You know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. - P.J. O'Rourke
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. - Alex Haley
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? - George Carlin
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller
Historically the family has played the primary role in educating children for life, with the school providing supplemental scaffolding to the family. - Stephen Covey
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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28-May-2022 |