[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The eyes have one language everywhere. - George Herbert
It's never too late for a happy childhood. - Gloria Steinem
Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park. - Unknown
A happy childhood has spoiled many a promising life. - Robertson Davies
With kids, the days are long, but the years are short. - John Leguizamo
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children. - George Burns
If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all. - Pearl S. Buck
Little children, little sorrows; big children, great sorrows. - Danish Proverb
Dreams say what they mean, but they don't say it in daytime language. - Gail Godwin
We have to make our inspiration first before our inspiration can build us. - Sanjive K Sharma
You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test. - George W. Bush
Peace will come when the Arabs will love their children more than they hate us. - Golda Meir
I'm not buying my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did. - Yogi Berra
Setting a good example for your children does nothing but increase their embarrassment. - Doug Larson
Grammar, which knows how to lord it over kings, and with high hands makes them obey its laws. - Moliere
A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. - Agatha Christie
I brought children into this dark world because it needed the light that only a child can bring. - Liz Armbruster
May my children follow their own intuition to discover true empowerment in the answers they seek. - Unknown
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller
I married your mother because I wanted children.
Imagine my disappointment when you came along. - Groucho Marx
Human language appears to be a unique phenomenon, without significant analogue in the animal world. - Noam Chomsky
Our children may learn about heroes of the past. Our task is to make ourselves architects of the future. - Jomo Mzee Kenyatta
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates
Here lies my past.
Good-bye I have kissed it;
Thank you, kids.
I wouldn’t have missed it. - Ogden Nash
The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm. - Aldous Huxley
Whatever happened to a sense of idealism and embracing an idea that will help people and, in this case, children? - Rod Blagojevich
The only way we can ever teach a child to say "I'm sorry" is for him to hear it from our lips first. - Kevin Leman
Language, identity, place, home: these are all of a piece - just different elements of belonging and not-belonging. - Jhumpa Lahiri
Grow up, and that is a terribly hard thing to do. It is much easier to skip it and go from one childhood to another. - F Scott Fitzgerald
The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase, "And now a word from our sponsor." - Hal Eaton
Tarry a moment to watch the chaos of a playground, crayola-colored shirts of running children, all trying out their wings. - Dr. SunWolf
Every time a child says, "I don't believe in fairies," there is a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead. - Sir James M. Barrie
Any fool can have a child. That doesn't make you a father. It's the courage to raise a child that makes you a father. - Barack Obama
He adopted a role called being a father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a protector. - Tom Wolfe
You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon
You know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. - P.J. O'Rourke
There's a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I'm not there yet. - Randy Pausch
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. - Alex Haley
Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed. - G K Chesterton
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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22-Jan-2021 |