[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Inspiration is remembering the future. - Unknown
Children need models rather than critics. - Joseph Joubert
I will not down to posterity talking bad grammar. - Benjamin Disraeli
Language exerts hidden power, like a moon on the tides. - Rita Mae Brown
Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy. - Robert H. Heinlein
Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it. - Madeleine L'Engle
You don't have good grammar when you type with your fists. - C.F. Payne
A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
Children are one third of our population and all of our future. - Unknown
No matter how bad a child is, he is still good for a tax deduction. - American Proverb
Children see things very well sometimes - and idealists even better. - Lorraine Hansbury
Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance. - Ruth E. Renkel
Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. - Rabindranath Tagore
Short of screaming-hot Thai food, everything can be suitable for kids too. - Guy Fieri
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. - Groucho Marx
Seek the wisdom of the ages, but look at the world through the eyes of a child. - Ron Wild
All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and somebody who believes in them. - Earvin "Magic" Johnson
What can we make of the inexpressible joy of children? It is a kind of gratitude. - Annie Dillard
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Adams
Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too. - Lionel Kauffman
What is so real as the cry of a child? A rabbit's cry may be wilder but it has no soul. - Sylvia Plath
I invite everyone to choose forgiveness rather than division, teamwork over personal ambition. - Jean-Francois Cope
I just want to make sure when I have kids, I can spend time with them. That's the whole point. - Mark Zuckerberg
It is an act of love to say, "I believe in you as my child, and you don't need my help." - Peter Buffett
Mid-life crisis is that moment when you realize your children and your clothes are about the same age. - William D Tammeus
Our children may learn about heroes of the past. Our task is to make ourselves architects of the future. - Jomo Mzee Kenyatta
Parents should leave books lying around marked "forbidden" if they want their children to read. - Doris Lessing
Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. - Oscar Wilde
Inspiration comes from within yourself. One has to be positive. When you're positive, good things happen. - Deep Roy
Teamwork makes the dream work, but a vision becomes a nightmare when the leader has a big dream and a bad team. - John C Maxwell
Success is the child of drudgery and perseverance. It cannot be coaxed or bribed; pay the price and it is yours. - Orison Swett Marden
Already, companies that speak in the language of the pitch, the dog-and-pony show, are no longer speaking to anyone. - Unknown
When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. - Nora Ephron
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. - Harry S Truman
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are,
"I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan
Having kids - the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings - is the biggest job anyone can embark on. - Maria Shriver
When I know that, if I have no inspiration whatsoever, when I come and I just feel empty, I have nothing, I know that I can still play the scene. - Christopher Walken
Most of what we object to as misconduct in children is a natural rebellion against the intrusion of an unimaginative adult despotism in their lives. - Floyd Dell
Rather than pushing children to think like adults, we might do better to remember that they are great learners and to try harder to be more like them. - Seymour Papert
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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 Improvise, Adapt, Overcome |  Flower Lips |  Bird Walker |  Never Go Full Retard |  Multi-Pilot Jet |
31-May-2020 |