Excerpts from Medical Records

Rectal exam is deferred because patient is sitting upright

Discharge status: Alive but without permission


Coming from Detroit, Michigan, this man has no children.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Dr. Jones is watching his prostate.

He was found lying on the bathroom floor by his wife.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

Patient stated that if she would lie down, within 2-3 minutes something would come across her abdomen and knock her up.

Patient was admitted and suffered severe pain by Dr. Jones.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit tight on the abdomen and I agreed.

Preoperative diagnosis: herniated dick.

Rectal exam is deferred because patient is sitting upright.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

She was divorced last April. No other serious illness.

Sister Anna Maria is a Catholic nun who is currently in between missionaries.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes all the way to his feet.

The patient was admitted with abdominal pain from the emergency room.

The patient was somewhat agitated and had to be encouraged to feed and eat himself.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Jones to dispose of him.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

This patient has been under many psychiatrists in the past.


QuotaBills
Care shouldn't start in the emergency room. - James Douglas

The No. 1 cause of bankruptcies is medical bills. - Michael Moore

Never invest emergency savings in the stock market. - Suze Orman

A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. - Ambrose Bierce

Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. - Natalie Goldberg

The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

There is nothing so strong or safe in an emergency of life as the simple truth. - Charles Dickens

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. - Erma Bombeck

One of the tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency. - Arnold H. Glasow

My husband is so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for him in the emergency room. - Unknown

Webnesia: The act of loading a web browser, then instantly forgetting the site you were going to visit - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

My basics are black, white, or neutral, and I'll wear a ton of jewelry or carry a brightly colored bag. - Rachel Zoe

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons

Faith is a fine invention
When Gentlemen can see -
But Microscopes are prudent
In an Emergency. - Emily Dickinson

In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. - Ronald Reagan

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

I had very good dentures once. Some magnificent gold work. It's the only form of jewelry a man can wear that women fully appreciate. - Graham Greene

There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman

The best way to meet a woman is in an emergency situation - if you're in a shipwreck, or you find yourself behind enemy lines, or in a flood. - Mark Helprin


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22-Sep-2020