Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
Money can’t buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
The cardiologist’s diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
see also
Phrase & Quotes Sections
Alex Levine Quotes
Billy Crystal Quotes
Bob Hope Quotes
Daffynition: Definition for a Humourist
George Burns Quotes
Groucho Marx Quotes
Jimmy Durante Quotes
Joe Namath Quotes
Mark Twain Quotes
Spike Milligan Quotes
Phyllis Diller Quotes
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
Victor Borge Quotes
Will Rogers Quotes
Winston Churchill Quotes
 Handicap Ramp |  Kick Out Boxing |  Patience and Wisdom |  Submarine Racing |  Dead Sea Burgers |
 Sick Statue |  I Will Never Understand Fashion |  Courtesy Option |  Ab Enhancer |  Family Planning Advice |
 Cracks Me Up |  Anger Release Machine |  Closing Time |  Palm Sunday Social Distancing Service |  Beach Breakfast |
 Bicycle Dining |  Shark Bike |  Thrilling Read |  Extra Weight |  Yoga's Balanced Lifestyle |
05-Apr-2020 |