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Darwin Awards 2000
The Evolution of Dubm

The Darwin Awards are given to the people who thru their own stupidity have killed themselves, thus ridding the human race of the complete idiots of the world. Survival of the fittest and smartest!

Eighth Runner Up, A 28 year old Korean employed by the Xerox Corporation decided it would be hilarious if he digitally scanned his penis and distributed to the entire corporation. The small Korean had just finished up festivities at the local bar and was quite intoxicated. Xerox had recently ordered 23 shredding devices in an attempt to reduce/recycle the amount of paper that they use. The unsuspecting Korean pulled down his trousers, and drunkenly hoisted himself onto what he thought was a copier. Thinking he was pressing the scan button on a copier, he hit the shred button. He was found with his scrotum stuck between blades the next morning, and had died from the loss of blood.

Seventh Runner Up, A 25-year-old Alabama man died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the guard-rail which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The Military Specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgement and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

Sixth Runner Up, (Germany) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially secluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

Tie for Fifth Runner up Award (Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the River Tereblya. The 43 year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a morning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law’s death.

Tie for Fifth Runner up Award (Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

Fourth Runner up Award (Cyprus) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

Third Runner up Award goes to (Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236 (winners never quit!), which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia’s legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic hematologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US for not intervening. He didn’t require any further embalming.

Second Runner up Award goes to, (London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer’s wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100’ quarry near Durham, in north-eastern England. “I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline,” neighbour Alan Renfry told reporters.

First Runner up Award goes to, (Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to “live on Zionist time.” Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings Time. The confused drivers had already switched to Standard Time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.

And the 2000 Darwin Award winner is (Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging Insults at a local cafe in the south-eastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian Roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. “There were no remains,” Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.


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25-Sep-2020