Nostril Growth

Unexpected Returns


Looking tired and disgusted, Shawn went to see his doctor. The doctor could barely contain his surprise when he saw carrots growing from the man’s nostrils.

“My goodness,” the doctor said,“no wonder you’re upset!”

“You’re not kidding,” Shawn said. “I planted tomatoes.”


QuotaBills
Laughter is the best medicine. - Joe-kster

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

Good doctors make poor patients. - Unknown

Dentist Office: A filling station - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb

A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb

Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer

Keratin: What preserved carrots are sold in - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Fashion saves a lot more lives than doctors. - Bruno Gehard

The doctors X-rayed my head an found nothing. - Dizzy Dean

False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb

The No. 1 cause of bankruptcies is medical bills. - Michael Moore

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. - Muriel Spark

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. - Hippocrates

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito

Somebody must get the incompetent lawyers and doctors. - George Bernard Shaw

Hope is medicine for a soul that's sick and tired. - Eric Swensson

Though physician to others, yet himself full of sores. - Latin Proverb

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

There is no physician who can cure the disease of love. - African Proverb

No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb

If you wish to die young, make your physician your heir. - Romania Proverb

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. - Henny Youngman

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. - Homer Simpson

If we become ill, modern medicine can work healing miracles. - Joseph B Wirthlin

Jockey: What a dentist uses when you won't open your mouth - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability. - William Osler

A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier

A dentist at work in his vocation always looks down in the mouth. - George D. Prentice

Be kind to your dentist because he has "fillings" too. - Unknown

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller

I do believe that laughter is the best medicine - it cures everything. - Radhika Apte

If a patient cannot clean his teeth, no dentist can clean them for him. - Martin H. Fischer

The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter

We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist. - Joseph Heller

The good-news stories in medicine are early detection, early intervention. - Thomas R Insel

Observation, Reason, Human Understanding, Courage; these make the physician. - Martin H. Fischer

When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. - Graham Norton

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham

It is said to be the manner of hypochondriacs to change often their physician. - William Cullen

This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh

If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? - George Carlin

I wanted to study to be a dental hygienist, marry a rich dentist, and hang it up. - Vicki Lawrence

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for. - James H. Boren

Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham

The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley

The grinding of the intellect is for most people as painful as a dentist's drill. - Leonard Woolf

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

If suffering brought wisdom, the dentist's office would be full of luminous ideas. - Mason Cooley

The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx

Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West

Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown

The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease. - William Osler

Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches awaiting Easter. - Fran Lebowitz

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely cracked. - Unknown

The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon. - Eric Ericksen

Most ballet teachers in the United States are terrible. If they were in medicine, everyone would be poisoned. - George Balanchine

Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - Orison Swett Marden

Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht

The only weapon with which the unconscious patient can immediately retaliate upon the incompetent surgeon is hemorrhage. - William Stewart Halsted

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

Each patient ought to feel somewhat the better after the physician's visit, irrespective of the nature of the illness. - Warfield Theobald Longcope

'Psychotherapy' is a private, confidential conversation that has nothing to do with illness, medicine, or healing. - Thomas Szasz

Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden

I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray

A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

The art of healing comes from nature, not from the physician. Therefore the physician must start from nature, with an open mind. - Paracelsus

My greatest strength is common sense. I'm really a standard brand - like Campbell's tomato soup or Baker's chocolate. - Katharine Hepburn

A physician is obligated to consider more than a diseased organ, more even than the whole man - he must view the man in his world. - Harvey Cushing

Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp

Sometimes, giving up your privacy is a little like going to the dentist and we have let him have access that no one's ever had. - Tom Petty

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. - Anton Chekhov

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off of your life. Based on that math, I should have died in 1732. - Unknown

Lost wealth may be replaced by industry; lost knowledge by study; lost health by temperance or medicine; but lost time is gone forever. - Samuel Smiles

A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is a man who collects the rent. - Lord Webb-Johnson

The physician should look upon the patient as a besieged city and try to rescue him with every means that art and science place at his command. - Alexander of Tralles

In other industries, value is defined by the ultimate stakeholder - the one who benefits, or not, from the service. We should do the same in medicine. - Dave deBronkart


see also   Relationship  Section
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Cutting Off Board
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First Proctologist Exam
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Magnetic Personality
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Menopause Sucks
One Wee Scottish Farty
Proctologist Call
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Psychiatrist’s Patient Advice
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Simple Surgery
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Sons Of Arthritis
Swine Flu Symptoms
Tattoo Implants
Typeface for Doctors
Viagra Overdose
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Life Extension

4th Dimension Bookshelf

Water Value

Flexible Toothbrush

Redneck Dent Repair

Veterinarian or Taxidermist?

Same Sex Marriage in Canada

CardboardZilla

Indian Writing

Ancient Shiloh

1938 Cost Of Living

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Peckish

Awesome 'P' Door

Snake Shortener

Scientific Driving Test

Fire Engine

First Impressions

On Its Last Legs

Fire Truck
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08-Aug-2020