St. Patrick’s Day Joe-ks

One of the girls must be quite ill

Tall Irish tales


“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.


Water To Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


The Reunion

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” “Of course,” says the second. Curious, the first asks: “Where in Ireland?” “Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin.”
“Of course” The second man can’t help himself so he asks, “What school did you attend?”
“Saint Mary’s”, replies the first man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in unison. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s up?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replied the bartender.
“The O’Malley twins are drunk again!”


The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill.”


Lost At Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

QuotaBills
My soul is still Irish. - Ciaran Hinds

I am very proud to be Irish. - Philip Treacy

Everyone is wise until he speaks. - Irish Drinking Toast

Paddy O Furniture: Irish lawn chairs - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Yes, I am an Irish lass through and through. - Erin Andrews

Being Irish, I always had this love of words. - Kenneth Branagh

The Danes and the Irish have a great simpatico. - Pierce Brosnan

I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn

You never miss the water till the well has run dry. - Irish Proverb

I had that stubborn streak, the Irish in me I guess. - Gregory Peck

I'm Irish and Cherokee Indian. I can't faint. - Lynn Collins

I have a thing for red-haired Irish boys, as we know. - Sandra Bullock

Yelling Irish, you can sound like an angry Leprechaun. - Norman Reedus

I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford

An Irishman's heart is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell

The heart of an Irishman is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw

Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part. - Irish Blessings

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. - Brendan Behan

The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery

Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown

My Irish derivation has nothing to do with me. Why should it? - Carroll O'Connor

I'm an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt. - Edna O'Brien

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried. - Unknown

I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack

The Irish are a fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Samuel Johnson

It is a symbol of Irish art. The cracked looking-glass of a servant. - James Joyce

Irish people are educated not only about artistry but local history. - Fiona Shaw

Even when they have nothing, the Irish emit a kind of happiness, a joy. - Fiona Shaw

I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon

Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis. - Brendan Behan

I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy

The Irish and British, they love satire, it's a large part of the culture. - Ben Nicholson

Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish. - Ted Whitehead

Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness

My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey

At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono

There are only two kinds of people in the world: the Irish and those who wish they were. - Irish Saying

The trouble with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, with absolutely no talent. - Hugh Leonard

Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown

Let's just say, I'm Irish. I grew up in the 1950s. Religion had a very tight iron fist. - Liam Neeson

Definition of an Irish fact: That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear. - Hugh Kenner

I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. - Jimmy Fallon

I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd

I'm Irish on St. Patrick's Day. I'm Italian on Columbus Day. I'm a New Yorker every day. - Tamara Tunie

"Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal." - Jonathan Swift

The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song - its that they know them all. - Susan Dooley

I was freelancing for years in Cork and around. I also wrote freelance pieces for 'The Irish Times.' - Kevin Barry

I'm a big fan of the Irish accent. After a couple of drinks, I start to get a bit of an Irish lilt, too. - Emily Ratajkowski

The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson

Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste. - Tug McGraw

May you always walk in sunshine. May you never want for more. May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door. - Irish Blessings

We've never been cool, we're hot. Irish people are Italians who can't dress, Jamaicans who can't dance. - Bono

For my last meal, I'd want an Irish breakfast with soda bread and one of my dad's omelettes with three or four eggs. - Erin O'Connor

I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same. - Iris Murdoch

When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious. - Unknown

It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. - Brendan Behan

With such riches as I have in life, you're always nervous. Being Irish, you're waiting for something to knock it sideways. - Pierce Brosnan

Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien


see also   Irish  &  St. Patrick’s Day   Sections
Going Green for Ireland
Green Beards
Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey!
Irish Alzheimers
Irish Bar
Irish Birth Control
Irish Blessings and Sayings
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Virgin
Irish Weather Forecasting
Little Leprechaun
St. Patrick’s Day Riddles
St. Patrick’s Dog
Swimming Buddies
What’s Under The Kilt?

 

Frisbee Stopper

Redneck Sushi

Redneck's Lo-Tech Mobile Phone

Downchuck

Border Agent Alert

Cadillac Clearance

Leading By Example

Wired For Coffee

Cadillac Bike

Chip and Dip

Cat Couch Nap

Redneck Trophy Fish

Country Irony

'None Of The Above' Election Option

I've Got Your Back

Vintage Campers

Great Minds of History

But That Was Yesterday

Trudeau's Top Fails

Picture Of Me Getting Naked
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20-Sep-2021