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“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied
the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” Water To Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the
floor of the car. The Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply. The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a
Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to
see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Lost At Sea
Two Irishmen,
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the
matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The
genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have
to pee in the boat.” I'm just a true Irish boy at heart. - Colin Farrell To marry the Irish is to look for poverty. - J.P. Donleavy Ireland is the old sow that eats her farrow. - James Joyce When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step. - Gerald Kersh Being Irish, I always had this love of words. - Kenneth Branagh I'm Irish. I think about death all the time. - Jack Nicholson I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn The Irish are a very popular race - with themselves. - Brendan Behan An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral. - Mary Deasy I'm Irish and Cherokee Indian. I can't faint. - Lynn Collins I have a thing for red-haired Irish boys, as we know. - Sandra Bullock The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell The heart of an Irishman is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part. - Irish Blessings Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown You think the Welsh are friendly, but the Irish are fabulous. - Bonnie Tyler My Irish derivation has nothing to do with me. Why should it? - Carroll O'Connor I'm an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt. - Edna O'Brien I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting. - John Millington Synge You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer. - Hal Roach The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried. - Unknown God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the world. - Irish Saying I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack The Irish are a fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Samuel Johnson In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist. - Unknown It is a symbol of Irish art. The cracked looking-glass of a servant. - James Joyce Irish Americans are no more Irish than Black Americans are Africans. - Bob Geldof Even when they have nothing, the Irish emit a kind of happiness, a joy. - Fiona Shaw I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon Yancy is actually a Native-American name, but I'm Irish. Go figure. - Yancy Butler I've heard some duff Irish accents. The worst must be Mickey Rourke. - James Nesbitt Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me. - Colin Farrell What's the use of being Irish if the world doesn't break your heart? - Unknown If you're Irish, it doesn't matter where you go - you'll find family. - Victoria Smurfit Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey We Irish will never achieve anything; but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks. - Oscar Wilde I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. - P.J. O'Rourke I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. - Robin Williams Let's just say, I'm Irish. I grew up in the 1950s. Religion had a very tight iron fist. - Liam Neeson Ireland is a small but insuppressible island half an hour nearer the sunset than Great Britain. - Thomas Kettle I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing. - Michael Flatley Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to. - Unknown I had to have some balls to be Irish Catholic in South London. Most of that time I spent fighting. - Pierce Brosnan I'm Irish on St. Patrick's Day. I'm Italian on Columbus Day. I'm a New Yorker every day. - Tamara Tunie The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song - its that they know them all. - Susan Dooley I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish. - Leon Uris I was freelancing for years in Cork and around. I also wrote freelance pieces for 'The Irish Times.' - Kevin Barry I'm a big fan of the Irish accent. After a couple of drinks, I start to get a bit of an Irish lilt, too. - Emily Ratajkowski Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste. - Tug McGraw As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft Isn't it a very curious thing that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland an' the English brought in the fleas. - Frank McCourt When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious. - Unknown It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness. - Kenneth Tynan I'm Irish, so I'm used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I'll call it dinner. - Liam Neeson Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien see also Irish & St. Patrick’s Day Sections Going Green for Ireland Green Beards Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey! Irish Alzheimers Irish Bar Irish Birth Control Irish Blessings and Sayings Irish Drink Irish Exam Irish Flood Irish Sky Garden Crater Irish Virgin Irish Weather Forecasting Little Leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day Riddles St. Patrick’s Dog Swimming Buddies What’s Under The Kilt?
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