St. Patrick’s Day Joe-ks

One of the girls must be quite ill

Tall Irish tales


“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.


Water To Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


The Reunion

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” “Of course,” says the second. Curious, the first asks: “Where in Ireland?” “Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin.”
“Of course” The second man can’t help himself so he asks, “What school did you attend?”
“Saint Mary’s”, replies the first man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in unison. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s up?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replied the bartender.
“The O’Malley twins are drunk again!”


The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill.”


Lost At Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

QuotaBills
No man is an Ireland. - Richard Daley

My soul is still Irish. - Ciaran Hinds

I'm Irish. We think sideways. - Spike Milligan

The gun is not out of Irish politics. - Ian Paisley

Yes, I am an Irish lass through and through. - Erin Andrews

Being Irish, I always had this love of words. - Kenneth Branagh

The Danes and the Irish have a great simpatico. - Pierce Brosnan

I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn

Our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart. - Maria Edgeworth

My dad's Irish music was such a huge influence. - Dido Armstrong

You never miss the water till the well has run dry. - Irish Proverb

The Irish are a very popular race - with themselves. - Brendan Behan

I had that stubborn streak, the Irish in me I guess. - Gregory Peck

I have a thing for red-haired Irish boys, as we know. - Sandra Bullock

I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford

An Irishman's heart is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell

I've had Irish skin from the time I was a young girl. - Lara Flynn Boyle

The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried. - Unknown

I miss Irish milk. Probably not as much as Superquinn sausages. - Tristan MacManus

God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish. - Unknown

In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist. - Unknown

It is a symbol of Irish art. The cracked looking-glass of a servant. - James Joyce

Irish Americans are no more Irish than Black Americans are Africans. - Bob Geldof

Irish people are educated not only about artistry but local history. - Fiona Shaw

The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Unknown

Politics is the chloroform of the Irish people, or, rather the hashish. - Oliver St. John Gogarty

Like an Irishman's obligation, all on the one side, and always yours. - English saying

Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis. - Brendan Behan

The Irish and British, they love satire, it's a large part of the culture. - Ben Nicholson

Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness

Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you. - Irish Blessings

I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe

If you put an Irishman on a spit, you can always get another Irishman to baste him. - George Bernard Shaw

My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey

I'm not a walking extra in a Chekhov play; I'm no Slavic gloom or Irish gloom. - Orson Welles

We Irish will never achieve anything; but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks. - Oscar Wilde

Jameson's Irish Whiskey really does improve with age: the older I get the more I like it. - Bob Monkhouse

Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown

I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. - Robin Williams

An Irishman after trying American beer for the first time: "Put it back in the horse!" - Unknown

Definition of an Irish fact: That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear. - Hugh Kenner

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. - Oliver Herford

I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd

The problem with being Irish is having 'Riverdance' on your back. It's a burden at times. - Roddy Doyle

Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy. - William Butler Yeats

I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish. - Leon Uris

I think Paul McGuinness and U2 created the Irish music industry. It certainly wasn't there before that. - Van Morrison

That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke. - Sean O'Casey

I was freelancing for years in Cork and around. I also wrote freelance pieces for 'The Irish Times.' - Kevin Barry

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth. - Unknown

In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue

As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt

If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft

It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness. - Kenneth Tynan

That's what the holidays are for - for one person to tell the stories and another to dispute them. Isn't that the Irish way? - Lara Flynn Boyle

I'm Irish, so I'm used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I'll call it dinner. - Liam Neeson

Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien


see also   Irish  &  St. Patrick’s Day   Sections
Going Green for Ireland
Green Beards
Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey!
Irish Alzheimers
Irish Bar
Irish Birth Control
Irish Blessings and Sayings
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Virgin
Irish Weather Forecasting
Little Leprechaun
St. Patrick’s Day Riddles
St. Patrick’s Dog
Swimming Buddies
What’s Under The Kilt?

 

Whose Problem

Grasping Shirt

An Evening Prayer

Baby Clone

Piano Ring

Religious Nuts

Funnel Farm

Urinal Challenge

Snow Detour

Redneck GPS

Snow Receiver

Book Perspective

Why Stand In Line?

How Twins Are Made

Ups and Downs

Irish Flu Shots

Snake Circle

Romantic Accident

Winter Mirror

2021 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars
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24-Jan-2021