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“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied
the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” Water To Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the
floor of the car. The Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply. The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a
Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to
see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Lost At Sea
Two Irishmen,
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the
matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The
genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have
to pee in the boat.” No man is an Ireland. - Richard Daley I'm Irish. We think sideways. - Spike Milligan Paddy O Furniture: Irish lawn chairs - Daffynitions joe-ks.com I'm just a true Irish boy at heart. - Colin Farrell Ireland is the old sow that eats her farrow. - James Joyce Being Irish, I always had this love of words. - Kenneth Branagh I'm Irish. I think about death all the time. - Jack Nicholson I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn I had that stubborn streak, the Irish in me I guess. - Gregory Peck I'm Irish and Cherokee Indian. I can't faint. - Lynn Collins I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at? - Elizabeth Bowen The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown My Irish derivation has nothing to do with me. Why should it? - Carroll O'Connor You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer. - Hal Roach The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried. - Unknown I miss Irish milk. Probably not as much as Superquinn sausages. - Tristan MacManus God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the world. - Irish Saying The Irish are a fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Samuel Johnson We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English. - Winston Churchill It is a symbol of Irish art. The cracked looking-glass of a servant. - James Joyce Irish Americans are no more Irish than Black Americans are Africans. - Bob Geldof Irish people are educated not only about artistry but local history. - Fiona Shaw Even when they have nothing, the Irish emit a kind of happiness, a joy. - Fiona Shaw I've heard some duff Irish accents. The worst must be Mickey Rourke. - James Nesbitt Like an Irishman's obligation, all on the one side, and always yours. - English saying The Irish and British, they love satire, it's a large part of the culture. - Ben Nicholson Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish. - Ted Whitehead The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers If you put an Irishman on a spit, you can always get another Irishman to baste him. - George Bernard Shaw We Irish will never achieve anything; but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks. - Oscar Wilde I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly There are only two kinds of people in the world: the Irish and those who wish they were. - Irish Saying The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it. - Sidney Littlewood I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. - P.J. O'Rourke I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole I had a very happy childhood, which is unsuitable if you're going to be an Irish writer. - Maeve Binchy The Irish are the only men who know how to cry for the dirty polluted blood of all the world. - Norman Mailer Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. - Robin Williams Let's just say, I'm Irish. I grew up in the 1950s. Religion had a very tight iron fist. - Liam Neeson An Irishman after trying American beer for the first time: "Put it back in the horse!" - Unknown I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. - Jimmy Fallon I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd The problem with being Irish is having 'Riverdance' on your back. It's a burden at times. - Roddy Doyle I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish. - Leon Uris That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke. - Sean O'Casey I was freelancing for years in Cork and around. I also wrote freelance pieces for 'The Irish Times.' - Kevin Barry An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth. - Unknown If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. - Oscar Wilde As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt We've never been cool, we're hot. Irish people are Italians who can't dress, Jamaicans who can't dance. - Bono The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad. For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad. - G K Chesterton If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft For my last meal, I'd want an Irish breakfast with soda bread and one of my dad's omelettes with three or four eggs. - Erin O'Connor Isn't it a very curious thing that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland an' the English brought in the fleas. - Frank McCourt When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious. - Unknown Irish whiskey was first developed for its medicinal benefits. It's just lucky for the rest of us that the Irish are such a sickly bunch. - Unknown Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien see also Irish & St. Patrick’s Day Sections Going Green for Ireland Green Beards Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey! Irish Alzheimers Irish Bar Irish Birth Control Irish Blessings and Sayings Irish Drink Irish Exam Irish Flood Irish Sky Garden Crater Irish Virgin Irish Weather Forecasting Little Leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day Riddles St. Patrick’s Dog Swimming Buddies What’s Under The Kilt?
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