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“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied
the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” Water To Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the
floor of the car. The Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply. The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a
Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to
see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Lost At Sea
Two Irishmen,
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the
matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The
genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have
to pee in the boat.” No man is an Ireland. - Richard Daley My soul is still Irish. - Ciaran Hinds I'm Irish. We think sideways. - Spike Milligan The gun is not out of Irish politics. - Ian Paisley Yes, I am an Irish lass through and through. - Erin Andrews Being Irish, I always had this love of words. - Kenneth Branagh The Danes and the Irish have a great simpatico. - Pierce Brosnan I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn Our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart. - Maria Edgeworth My dad's Irish music was such a huge influence. - Dido Armstrong You never miss the water till the well has run dry. - Irish Proverb The Irish are a very popular race - with themselves. - Brendan Behan I had that stubborn streak, the Irish in me I guess. - Gregory Peck I have a thing for red-haired Irish boys, as we know. - Sandra Bullock I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford An Irishman's heart is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell I've had Irish skin from the time I was a young girl. - Lara Flynn Boyle The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried. - Unknown I miss Irish milk. Probably not as much as Superquinn sausages. - Tristan MacManus God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish. - Unknown In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist. - Unknown It is a symbol of Irish art. The cracked looking-glass of a servant. - James Joyce Irish Americans are no more Irish than Black Americans are Africans. - Bob Geldof Irish people are educated not only about artistry but local history. - Fiona Shaw The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Unknown Politics is the chloroform of the Irish people, or, rather the hashish. - Oliver St. John Gogarty Like an Irishman's obligation, all on the one side, and always yours. - English saying Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis. - Brendan Behan The Irish and British, they love satire, it's a large part of the culture. - Ben Nicholson Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you. - Irish Blessings I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe If you put an Irishman on a spit, you can always get another Irishman to baste him. - George Bernard Shaw My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey I'm not a walking extra in a Chekhov play; I'm no Slavic gloom or Irish gloom. - Orson Welles We Irish will never achieve anything; but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks. - Oscar Wilde Jameson's Irish Whiskey really does improve with age: the older I get the more I like it. - Bob Monkhouse Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. - Robin Williams An Irishman after trying American beer for the first time: "Put it back in the horse!" - Unknown Definition of an Irish fact: That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear. - Hugh Kenner The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. - Oliver Herford I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd The problem with being Irish is having 'Riverdance' on your back. It's a burden at times. - Roddy Doyle Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy. - William Butler Yeats I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish. - Leon Uris I think Paul McGuinness and U2 created the Irish music industry. It certainly wasn't there before that. - Van Morrison That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke. - Sean O'Casey I was freelancing for years in Cork and around. I also wrote freelance pieces for 'The Irish Times.' - Kevin Barry An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth. - Unknown In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness. - Kenneth Tynan That's what the holidays are for - for one person to tell the stories and another to dispute them. Isn't that the Irish way? - Lara Flynn Boyle I'm Irish, so I'm used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I'll call it dinner. - Liam Neeson Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien see also Irish & St. Patrick’s Day Sections Going Green for Ireland Green Beards Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey! Irish Alzheimers Irish Bar Irish Birth Control Irish Blessings and Sayings Irish Drink Irish Exam Irish Flood Irish Sky Garden Crater Irish Virgin Irish Weather Forecasting Little Leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day Riddles St. Patrick’s Dog Swimming Buddies What’s Under The Kilt?
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