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“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied
the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!” Water To Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the
floor of the car. The Reunion
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why, of course,” comes the reply. The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a
Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to
see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Lost At Sea
Two Irishmen,
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the
matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The
genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have
to pee in the boat.” I'm Irish. We think sideways. - Spike Milligan Everyone is wise until he speaks. - Irish Drinking Toast The gun is not out of Irish politics. - Ian Paisley Yes, I am an Irish lass through and through. - Erin Andrews When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step. - Gerald Kersh Our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart. - Maria Edgeworth I have a thing for red-haired Irish boys, as we know. - Sandra Bullock I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford An Irishman's heart is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at? - Elizabeth Bowen The heart of an Irishman is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw I've had Irish skin from the time I was a young girl. - Lara Flynn Boyle The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery My Irish derivation has nothing to do with me. Why should it? - Carroll O'Connor I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer. - Hal Roach We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English. - Winston Churchill Yancy is actually a Native-American name, but I'm Irish. Go figure. - Yancy Butler Politics is the chloroform of the Irish people, or, rather the hashish. - Oliver St. John Gogarty Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis. - Brendan Behan A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me. - Colin Farrell I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy The Irish and British, they love satire, it's a large part of the culture. - Ben Nicholson Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish. - Ted Whitehead Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you. - Irish Blessings The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers If you put an Irishman on a spit, you can always get another Irishman to baste him. - George Bernard Shaw My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey An Irishman can be worried by the consciousness that there is nothing to worry about. - Austin O'Malley I'm not Irish. Just because I have red hair doesn't mean I'm a lucky charm. - Rebecca Mader I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono There are only two kinds of people in the world: the Irish and those who wish they were. - Irish Saying I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill. - Harold Nicolson The trouble with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, with absolutely no talent. - Hugh Leonard I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. - Robin Williams I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke An Irishman after trying American beer for the first time: "Put it back in the horse!" - Unknown I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing. - Michael Flatley Definition of an Irish fact: That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear. - Hugh Kenner The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. - Oliver Herford I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd "Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal." - Jonathan Swift I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish. - Leon Uris I'm a big fan of the Irish accent. After a couple of drinks, I start to get a bit of an Irish lilt, too. - Emily Ratajkowski The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth. - Unknown In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste. - Tug McGraw As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt May you always walk in sunshine. May you never want for more. May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door. - Irish Blessings For my last meal, I'd want an Irish breakfast with soda bread and one of my dad's omelettes with three or four eggs. - Erin O'Connor It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. - Brendan Behan With such riches as I have in life, you're always nervous. Being Irish, you're waiting for something to knock it sideways. - Pierce Brosnan It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness. - Kenneth Tynan I'm Irish, so I'm used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I'll call it dinner. - Liam Neeson Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien see also Irish & St. Patrick’s Day Sections Going Green for Ireland Green Beards Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey! Irish Alzheimers Irish Bar Irish Birth Control Irish Blessings and Sayings Irish Drink Irish Exam Irish Flood Irish Sky Garden Crater Irish Virgin Irish Weather Forecasting Little Leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day Riddles St. Patrick’s Dog Swimming Buddies What’s Under The Kilt?
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