Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

QuotaBills
See if he passed the literaracy test. - Archie Bunker

College is a refuge from hasty judgment. - Robert Frost

Architecture begins where engineering ends. - Walter Gropius

The writer is the engineer of the human soul. - Joseph Stalin

The first test of a truly great man is his humility. - John Ruskin

Most every dental school has discount dental services. - Matthew Lesko

I'll take a drug test, if you'll take an IQ test. - Fritz Hollings

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. - Benjamin Franklin

Study in the course of your life to do the greatest amount of good. - John McDonough

I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal. - Sigfried Hulzer

I will study and prepare myself… and someday my chance will come. - Abraham Lincoln

College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage. - George Gobel

Law school is the opposite of sex. Even when it's good it's lousy. - Unknown

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test. - George W. Bush

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. - Woody Allen

When I was in high school, I earned the pimple award and every other gross-out award. - Jack Nicholson

I can get motivated seeing a kid at my son's school overcome a learning disability. - Jason Alexander

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

The cost of praising someone is nil - but every psychological study shows the payoff is huge. - Harvey Mackay

If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society. - Jaden Smith

I must study politics and war that my sons may have the liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. - John Adams

One has to look out for engineers - they begin with sewing machines and end up with the atomic bomb. - Marcel Pagnol

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. - Jean Kerr

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno

If we are made of atoms, then a scientist studying atoms is actually a group of atoms studying themselves. - Unknown

What if the kid you bullied at school, grew up, and turned out to be the only surgeon who could save your life? - Lynette Mather

Physics is about questioning, studying, probing nature. You probe, and, if you're lucky, you get strange clues. - Lene Hau

Not every puzzle is intended to be solved. Some are in place to test your limits. Others are, in fact, not puzzles at all. - Vera Nazarian

NASA scientists have been studying giraffe skin so they can apply what they learn from it to the construction of spacesuits. - Joanna Lumley

This, then, is the test we must set for ourselves; not to march alone but to march in such a way that others will wish to join us. - Hubert H. Humphrey

You don't have to be a genius or a visionary or even a college graduate to be successful. You just need a framework and a dream. - Michael Dell

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. - Milton Berle

They submitted bills, and we paid them. Then we checked the engineering reports and found out that we had paid them far more than we owed them. - Donald Trump

Every job I do, I like to think it makes me better, or I learn things. It's all about how much something's going to stretch me or test me. - Daniel Radcliffe

I was thrown out of college during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final - I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen

Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do. - Pele

If you want to succeed, worry less about what college you get into and more about doing your homework, taking care of your chores and being nice to other people. - Jay Mathews

I suppose it is because nearly all children go to school nowadays and have things arranged for them that they seem so forlornly unable to produce their own ideas. - Agatha Christie

I used to collect hockey cards. It was like Vegas at my school. You'd go to school with your box of cards, and at recess and lunchtime there were all these games we'd play. - Steve Nash


see also   College,  Engineering  &  Redneck  Sections
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07-Apr-2020