Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

Engineering with fabric. - Jean Muir

Adversity tests a man's true character. - Unknown

Most every dental school has discount dental services. - Matthew Lesko

A child educated only at school is an uneducated child. - George Santayana

If a man's wit be wandering, let him study the mathematics. - Francis Bacon

The true test of leadership is how well you function in a crisis. - Brian Tracy

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. - Benjamin Franklin

Walking has been ridiculous in college basketball the past 15 years. - Bobby Knight

Success can test one's mettle as surely as the strongest adversary. - Unknown

To acquire knowledge one must study. To acquire wisdom one must observe. - Marilyn Vos Savant

The test of a man or woman's breeding is how they behave in a quarrel. - George Bernard Shaw

Hope has proven a powerful predictor of outcome in every study we've done so far. - Charles R Snyder

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness. - Robert M. Hutchins

I study myself more than any other subject. That is my metaphysics, that is my physics, - Michel de Montaigne

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of man. - Cicero

It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them. - Bill Vaughan

It's not uncommon to see kids on the school bus reading books and doing homework on the bus. - Anthony Amero

It is a fine thing to have ability, but the ability to discover ability in others is the true test. - Elbert Hubbard

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. - Jean Kerr

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. - Bill Vaughan

I played basketball in high school, and I love watching sports - I'll watch everything except maybe hockey. - Andy Roddick

Aftermath: 1. The period following algebra; 2. The horrible headache you have when you've finished the algebra test. - Daffynitions

A convention is a splendid place to study human nature. Man in a crowd is quite a different creature than man acting alone. - William Jennings Bryan

You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze

The test of a preacher is that his congregation goes away saying, not, 'What a lovely sermon!' but, 'I will do something!' - Billy Graham

When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. - Corrie Ten Boom

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. - Unknown

Every job I do, I like to think it makes me better, or I learn things. It's all about how much something's going to stretch me or test me. - Daniel Radcliffe

I was thrown out of college during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final - I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen

Historically the family has played the primary role in educating children for life, with the school providing supplemental scaffolding to the family. - Stephen Covey

All of my friends who have younger siblings who are going to college or high school - my number one piece of advice is: You should learn how to program. - Mark Zuckerberg

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. - George Carlin

As an adult and a parent, when I'm not acting, I'm not acting. I'm being a parent, and I'm on the school run, and I'm sewing labels onto socks. - Kate Winslet

Keep a good attitude and do the right thing even when it's hard. When you do that you are passing the test. And God promises you your marked moments are on their way. - Joel Osteen

To teach how to live without certainty and yet without being paralysed by hesitation is perhaps the chief thing that philosophy, in our age, can do for those who study it. - Bertrand Russell

The best narrative is one of infinite love. A spiritual affair - one not of the material world. Intermingled, with no beginning nor end - it will always stand the test of time. - Terry A. O'Neal

In school, many of us procrastinate and then successfully cram for tests. We get the grades and degrees we need to get the jobs we want, even if we fail to get a good general education. - Stephen Covey

I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the 'lower animals' (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humilitating to me. - Mark Twain

In this knowledge-worker age, it's now increasingly tied to doing well in school so you can get into better grad schools so you can get better jobs - so the pressure to do well is really high. - Stephen Covey

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