Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

QuotaBills
Engineering with fabric. - Jean Muir

The engineering is secondary to the vision. - Cynthia Ozick

Truth is simple, requiring neither study nor art. - Ammian

A college education shows a man how little other people know. - T.C. Hailburton

Study history. In history lies all the secrets of statecraft. - Winston Churchill

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. - Mark Twain

I will study and prepare myself… and someday my chance will come. - Abraham Lincoln

Law school is the opposite of sex. Even when it's good it's lousy. - Unknown

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test. - George W. Bush

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy

The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching. - John Wooden

We look harder for flaws in a study when we don't agree with its conclusions. - Sharon Begley

I don't love studying. I hate studying. I like learning. Learning is beautiful. - Natalie Portman

The cost of praising someone is nil - but every psychological study shows the payoff is huge. - Harvey Mackay

He who devotes 16 hours a day to hard study may become as wise at 60 as he thought himself at 20. - Mary Wilson Little

The real test of your character is your treatment of those who can be of no possible service to you. - Unknown

One has to look out for engineers - they begin with sewing machines and end up with the atomic bomb. - Marcel Pagnol

You learn how to be book smart in school, but you better not forget that you also need to be street smart. - Harvey Mackay

If we are made of atoms, then a scientist studying atoms is actually a group of atoms studying themselves. - Unknown

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. - George Burns

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. - Mark Twain

The Swedish engineer who invented the zip fastener made a greater intellectual leap than many scientists do in a lifetime. - Martin Rees

A convention is a splendid place to study human nature. Man in a crowd is quite a different creature than man acting alone. - William Jennings Bryan

NASA scientists have been studying giraffe skin so they can apply what they learn from it to the construction of spacesuits. - Joanna Lumley

It is the studying you do after your school days that really counts. Otherwise, you know only that which everyone else knows. - Henry L. Doherty

If you study a subject every day, for one hour a day, for five days a week - in five years you will become an expert in that area. - Earl Nightingale

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. - Theodore Roosevelt

When I finished school, I took one of those career-aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime. - Tim Cavanagh

When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. - Corrie Ten Boom

They submitted bills, and we paid them. Then we checked the engineering reports and found out that we had paid them far more than we owed them. - Donald Trump

Whenever you are embarrassed, just remember that in 1999 NASA destroyed a $655 Million project because the engineers mistook kilograms and pounds. - Unknown

Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do. - Pele

There is not better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giraudoux

Blind faith, no matter how passionately expressed, will not suffice. Science for its part will test relentlessly every assumption about the human condition. - E.O. Wilson

The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson. - Tom Bodett

If Moses had gone to Harvard Law School and spent three years working on the Hill, he would have written the Ten Commandments with three exceptions and a saving clause. - Charles Morgan

To teach how to live without certainty and yet without being paralysed by hesitation is perhaps the chief thing that philosophy, in our age, can do for those who study it. - Bertrand Russell

A motorcycle functions entirely in accordance with the laws of reason, and a study of the art of motorcycle maintenance is really a miniature study of the art of rationality itself. - Robert M. Pirsig

President Obama smoked so much pot in college he never learned to spell. Which is why he's confusing the word "ruining" the country with "running" the country. - Kilburn Hall

There is nothing, Sir, too little for so little a creature as man. It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having a little misery and as much happiness as possible. - Samuel Johnson


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16-Feb-2020