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Preparing for Terrorist Attack

The U.S. Government's Department of Homeland Security has a new website, meant to prepare citizens for an eventual biological, chemical, nuclear or radiological terrorist attack. However, the pictograms used to deliver important, life-saving advice are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations...

1.  PFW1:  If you have set yourself on fire, do not run...

2.  PFW2:  If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud...

3.  PFW3:  If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder...

4.  PFW4:  If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor...

5.  PFW5:  Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you...

6.  PFW6:  The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand...

7.  PFW7:  Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run away quickly...

8.  PFW8:  Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common - think about it...

9.  PFW9:  Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy - they tend to rub their hands together manically...

10.  PFW10:  If a door is closed, karate chop it open...

11.  PFW11:  If your building collapses, smell for flatulence while waiting to be rescued...

12.  PFW12:  Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile...

13.  PFW13:  After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head...

14.  PFW14:  If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window: no one wants to see that stuff....

15.  PFW15:  If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell...

16.  PFW16:  If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop...

17.  PFW17:  If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting...

18.  PFW18:  If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it...

19.  PFW19:  Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood...

20.  PFW20:  A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation...

21.  PFW21:  Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die...