Have you ever answered the door in your nightgown?
[The Washington Post
has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers
are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are…]
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), (A) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists; (B) a Rastafarian proctologist.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
14. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
15. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.