Noah's 2021 Ark

In the year 2021, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark.

“Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my backyard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”

“Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

“The Immigration Department is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.”

“The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The Government beat me to it.”

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Center Of Mass: The Priest - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My true religion is Kindness. - Dalai Lama

Prayer - the last refuge of a scoundrel. - Homer Simpson

Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - Indian Proverb

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. - Frank Lloyd Wright

Prayer is a long rope with a strong hold. - Harriet Beecher Stowe

The Pope, I hope, can only be scared by God. - Donald Trump

You have as much laughter as you have faith. - Martin Luther

An ounce of mother is worth a tone of priest. - Spanish Proverb

Faith is believing what you know ain't so. - Mark Twain

Have thy tools ready. God will find thee work. - Charles Kingsley

We steal if we touch tomorrow. It is God's. - Henry Ward Beecher

If there were no God, there would be no atheists. - G K Chesterton

We have to pray on behalf of those who do not pray. - Mother Teresa

Love beauty; it is the shadow of God on the universe. - Gabriela Mistral

I once dieted so religiously I quit eating in Church. - Zig Ziglar

Do not pray for easier lives. Pray to be stronger men. - John F Kennedy

The heart that is generous and kind most resembles God. - Robert Burns

A sermon is no sermon in which I cannot hear the heartbeat. - Henry Longfellow

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. - Jay Leno

Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into. - Mohandas Gandhi

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. - Voltaire

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him. - John Piper

I am inclined to believe that this is the land God gave to Cain. - Jacques Cartier

The best place to seek God is in a garden. You can dig for him there. - George Bernard Shaw

I preach as never sure to preach again, and as a dying man to dying men. - Richard Baxter

God grants us an uncommon life to the degree we surrender our common one. - Max Lucado

And 'tis my faith, that every flower
Enjoys the air it breathes. - William Wordsworth

I need God's grace and something baked with peanut butter and chocolate. - Gloria Furman

The Bible does not give us a road map for life, but it does give us a compass. - Gordon S. Jackson

The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament showeth his handiwork. - Psalms 19:1

The grass withers, the flower fades
But the word of our God stands forever. - Isaiah 40:8

There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice. - C S Lewis

The God who speaks with utmost integrity must have messengers who represent him well. - Haddon W. Robinson

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, 'God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!' - Dolly Parton

Any concern too small to be turned into a prayer is too small to be made into a burden. - Corrie ten Boom

Only priests and fools are fearless and I've never been on the best of terms with God. - Patrick Rothfuss

It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us. - Peter De Vries

When you carry the cross of Jesus, you will find that the cross will wind up carrying you. - Unknown

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. - Mark Twain

The darker the night, the brighter the stars,
The deeper the grief, the closer is God! - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

If you seek answers you won't find them, but if you seek God, the answers will find you. - Mark Batterson

Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - C S Lewis

If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been. - Robert Brault

I clearly have done things that were wrong. I've clearly had to seek God's forgiveness. - Newt Gingrich

Our intellect is not intended to be an end in itself, but only a means to the very mind of God. - Ravi Zacharias

If God had intended for breasts to be seen, He wouldn't have created large woolen pullovers. - Tracey Ullman

Every setback is a setup for a comeback. God wants to bring you out better than you were before. - Joel Osteen

Human beings can always be relied upon to exert, with vigor, their God-given right to be stupid. - Dean Koontz

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it. - Josh Billings

I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark. - Duncan Spaeth

I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls in to line. - Lucille Ball

Love without hope will not survive. Love without faith changes nothing. Love gives power to hope and faith. - Toba Beta

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. - Emo Philips

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is God's Gift. That's why we call it the 'Present.' - Bill Keane

Of course God knew what would happen if they used their freedom the wrong way: apparently, He thought it worth the risk. - C S Lewis

I went to a Catholic boys' school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me. - Keanu Reeves

Prayer gives a man the opportunity of getting to know a gentleman he hardly ever meets. I do not mean his maker, but himself. - William R Inge

I don't like to hear cut and dried sermons. No - when I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees. - Abraham Lincoln

Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp

Discipleship does not come from positions of prominence, wealth, or advanced learning. The disciples of Jesus came from all walks of life. - James E Faust

If a preacher is not first preaching to himself, better that he falls on the steps of the pulpit and breaks his neck than preaches that sermon. - John Calvin

It is easy - terribly easy - to shake a man's faith in himself. To take advantage of that, to break a man's spirit, is devil's work. - George Bernard Shaw

A wise man knows when to stay silent. However, a wiser man of faith knows that sometimes words can win the battle when all odds stand against you. - Shannon L. Alder

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. - Norman Vincent Peale

Noah's 2021 Ark

Updating life's building codes

27-Sep-2021