Noah's 2021 Ark

In the year 2021, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark.

“Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my backyard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”

“Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

“The Immigration Department is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.”

“The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The Government beat me to it.”

QuotaBills

Woman was God's second mistake. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

I'm an atheist and I thank God for it. - George Bernard Shaw

The Pope, I hope, can only be scared by God. - Donald Trump

Faith held solely is the beginning of action. - Unknown

We must trust God with what we can't control. - David Jeremiah

Our hope is as certain as Jesus's grave is empty. - Sam Allberry

Where God has his church, the Devil will have his chapel. - Spanish Proverb

Whatever I cannot do for God's glory must be avoided. - A.W. Pink

An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching. - Mahatma Gandhi

God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends. - Ethel Mumford

If God had wanted me otherwise, he would have created me otherwise. - Johann von Goethe

Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible. - Mary McLeod Bethune

Corruption is nature's way of restoring our faith in democracy. - Sir Peter Ustinov

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. - Benjamin Franklin

You can do very little with faith, but you can do nothing without it. - Samuel Butler

Faith must be enforced by reason... when faith becomes blind it dies. - Mahatma Gandhi

You may forget that you are at every moment totally dependent on God. - C S Lewis

Indigestion is charged by God with enforcing morality on the stomach. - Victor Hugo

Work and pray, live on hay, you'll get pie in the sky when you die. - Joe Hill

Kind hearts are more than coronets
An simple faith than Norman blood. - Alfred Tennyson

If I owe Smith ten dollars and God forgives me, that doesn't pay Smith. - Robert G Ingersoll

A pretty good test of a man's religion is how it affects his pocketbook. - Francis James Grimke

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on. - Jon Stewart

There is no greater discovery than seeing God as the author of your destiny. - Ravi Zacharias

God doesn't comfort us to make us comfortable, but to make us comforters. - Billy Graham

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn. - C S Lewis

A blank piece of paper is God's way of telling us how hard it is to be God. - Sidney Sheldon

Faith is much better than belief. Belief is when someone else does the thinking. - R Buckminster Fuller

Let evil swiftly befall those who have wrongly condemned us - God will avenge us. - Jacques de Molay

The story of Easter is the story of God's wonderful window of divine surprise. - Carl Knudsen

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. - Dorothy Parker

When we cling too tightly to what God did last, we often miss what God wants to do next. - Mark Batterson

Faith has to do with things that are not seen, and hope with things that are not at hand. - Thomas Aquinas

Only priests and fools are fearless and I've never been on the best of terms with God. - Patrick Rothfuss

Canada is founded upon principles that recognize the supremacy of God and the rule of law. - Stockwell Day

My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, for the love of God women, eat a salad. - Unknown

I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants. - Carrie Prejean

No man preaches his sermon well to others if he does not first preach it to his own heart. - John Owen

The devil will let a preacher prepare a sermon if it will keep him from preparing himself. - Vance Havner

Hope, like faith, is nothing if it is not courageous; it is nothing if it is not ridiculous. - Thornton Wilder

Religion is like a map. The route isn't important. It's the destination that matters. - Marianne Williamson

Sex is the mysticism of materialism and the only possible religion in a materialistic society. - Malcolm Muggeridge

Men will wrangle for religion; write for it; fight for it; die for it; anything but live for it. - Charles Caleb Colton

If God had intended for breasts to be seen, He wouldn't have created large woolen pullovers. - Tracey Ullman

There is much in the world to make us afraid. There is much more in our faith to make us unafraid. - Frederick W. Cropp

God wants you to get where God wants you to go more than you want to get where God wants you to go. - Mark Batterson

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. - Bible

Love, like a chicken salad or restaurant hash, must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor. - Helen Rowland

If you plant yourself in one place and let your roots grow deep, there is no limit to what God can do. - Mark Batterson

Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's okay in the Bible. - Homer Simpson

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

If you take care of the things that are dear to God, He will take care of the things that are dear to you. - Howard Taylor

Sometimes God leads us to a place where we have nowhere to turn but to Him; our only option is to trust Him. - Mark Batterson

In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. - Blaise Pascal

The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson

Prejudice, a dirty word, and faith, a clean one, have something in common: they both begin where reason ends. - Harper Lee

Where is Hollywood located? Chiefly between the ears. In that part of the American brain lately vacated by God. - Erica Jong

Some wish to live within the sound of church or chapel bell; I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell. - C.T. Studd

I preach as though Christ was crucified yesterday; rose again from the dead today; and is coming back tomorrow. - Martin Luther

I am one of those cliff-hanging Catholics. I don't believe in God, but I do believe that Mary was his mother. - Martin Sheen

In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue

The meme for blind faith secures its own perpetuation by the simple unconscious expedient of discouraging rational inquiry. - Richard Dawkins

There is a direct relationship between a person's grasp and experience of God's grace and his or her heart for justice. - Unknown

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. - John Muir

Faith is not logical. But it isn't illogical either. Faith is theological. It does not ignore reality; it just adds God into the equation. - Mark Batterson

Noah's 2021 Ark

Updating life's building codes

21-Apr-2021