Noah's 2021 Ark

Updating life's building codes


In the year 2021, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark.

“Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my backyard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”

“Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

“The Immigration Department is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.”

“The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The Government beat me to it.”


QuotaBills
In God we trust. - U.S. Currency Motto

Man is a god in ruins. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

All of nature is God's art. - Dante

Adversity makes men think of God. - Livy

God made man because he loves stories. - Elie Wiesel

Faith is the willingness to look foolish. - Mark Batterson

God Bless America, written by Milton Berlin. - Archie Bunker

The Pope, I hope, can only be scared by God. - Donald Trump

An honest man's the noblest work of God. - Alexander Pope

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? - Unknown

I do not believe in God and I am not an atheist. - Albert Camus

Without a doubt, it is the land God gave to Cain. - Mordecai Richler

God is not interested in your art but, your heart. - Ifeanyi E. Onuoha

God created the flirt as soon as He made the fool. - Victor Hugo

When faith is lost, when honor dies, the man is dead! - John G Whittier

Our hope is as certain as Jesus's grave is empty. - Sam Allberry

When the problem is worry, the prescription is prayer. - David Jeremiah

God never made a promise that was too good to be true. - Dwight L. Moody

God depends on us. It is through us that God is achieved. - Andre Gide

Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays. - Soren Kierkegaard

I have much more faith in a kind man than I do in mankind. - Unknown

The Bible tells us to forgive our enemies, not our friends. - Margot Asquith

Today's church wants to be raptured from responsibility. - Leonard Ravenhill

I am inclined to believe that this is the land God gave to Cain. - Jacques Cartier

If God had wanted me otherwise, he would have created me otherwise. - Johann von Goethe

Where man sees but withered leaves, God sees sweet flowers growing. - Albert Laighton

I don't believe in God because I don't believe in Mother Goose. - Clarence Darrow

A pretty good test of a man's religion is how it affects his pocketbook. - Francis James Grimke

I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth. - Carl Sandburg

He does most in God's great world who does his best in his own little world. - Thomas Jefferson

The story of Easter is the story of God's wonderful window of divine surprise. - Carl Knudsen

To be religious is to have a life that flows with the presence of the extraordinary. - Ann Belford Ulanov

God gave us the gift of lie; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well. - Voltaire

If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to. - Alexander Pope

Hope is like peace. It is not a gift from God. It is a gift only we can give one another. - Elie Wiesel

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. - Nicolas Chamfort

In hard seasons, God is not trying to destroy you. He is trying to bring the best out of you. - Unknown

Every time a child is born it brings with it the hope that God is not yet disappointed in man. - Rabindranath Tagore

The attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be. - Alan Watts

To a Christian, Easter Sunday means everything, when we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. - Bernhard Langer

To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible. - Thomas Aquinas

Christian Atheists: those who say they are Christians but choose to live like God doesn't exist. - Craig Groeschell

I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark. - Duncan Spaeth

I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls in to line. - Lucille Ball

We cannot embrace God's forgiveness if we are so busy clinging to past wounds and nursing old grudges. - T D Jakes

The task of organized religion is not to prove that God was in the 1st century, but that he is in the 20th. - S.H. Miller

We ought to be doing all we can to make it possible for every child to fulfill his or her God-given potential. - Hillary Rodham Clinton

Mosquito: 1. A small insect designed by God to make us think better of flies; 2. The state bird of New Jersey. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Where is Hollywood located? Chiefly between the ears. In that part of the American brain lately vacated by God. - Erica Jong

I preach as though Christ was crucified yesterday; rose again from the dead today; and is coming back tomorrow. - Martin Luther

"I am who I am", said God to Moses regarding His name, because none was worth to be compared to His godhead. - Toba Beta

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die. - Bill Watterson

If there be a God, I think that what he would like me to do is paint as much of the map of Africa British red as possible. - Cecil Rhodes

True faith rests upon the character of God and asks no further proof than the moral perfections of the One who cannot lie. - A.W. Tozer

I went to a Catholic boys' school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me. - Keanu Reeves

He who begins with Metaphysics will not only become confused in matters of religion, but will fall into complete infidelity. - Maimonides

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. - Woody Allen

A problem occurs when people want the benefits of a relationship with God without the responsibilities of a relationship with God. - Jim Herring

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? - Bible

Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines. - Bertrand Russell

The denial of an objective moral law based on the compulsion to deny the existence of God results ultimately in the denial of evil itself. - Ravi Zacharias

God created us for love, for union, for forgiveness and compassion and, yet, that has not been our storyline. That has not been our history. - Richard Rohr

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. - Reinhold Niebuhr

What is a prayer? Prayer is sending blessing to all. Prayer is sending your compassion to all. Prayer is creating an antidote of negative thoughts. - Osho


see also   Religious  Section
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18-May-2022