Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
beer?
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
I miss you, Mom...
Fearlessness is the mother of reinvention. - Arianna Huffington
Necessity is the mother of taking chances. - Mark Twain
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover! - Homer Simpson
Me and your mother ain't no duke or duke-ess. - Archie Bunker
A deaf husband and a blind wife make the best couple. - French Proverb
Air pollution is turning Mother Nature prematurely gray. - Irv Kupcinet
Nothing is really lost until your Mom can't find it. - Unknown
Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation. - Robert A. Heinlein
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West
The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries
Cooking certain dishes, like roast pork, reminds me of my mother. - Maya Angelou
When your wife asks what's on TV, dust is not the right answer. - Unknown
The story of a mother's life: trapped between a scream and a hug. - Cathy Guisewite
New mother - they get a sense of waddya call, "the maternals." - Archie Bunker
The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me. - Howard Nemerov
My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi
When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Henry Ward Beecher
My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper. - Amy Sedaris
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter
I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. - P.J. O'Rourke
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams
Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. - Florida Scott-Maxwell
I realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know. - Mitch Albom
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy - the mother. - Claudette Colbert
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter DeVries
I married your mother because I wanted children.
Imagine my disappointment when you came along. - Groucho Marx
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield
No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. - Godfrey Winn
Drunk Man: "I can't bear fools."
Dorothy Parker: "Apparently your mother could." - Dorothy Parker
My wife simply quoted, 'For better or worse.' It was only then that I realized the phrase was not multiple-choice. - Michael Gurnow
To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow. - Maya Angelou
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle
My mother was a reader, and she read to us. She read us Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when I was six and my brother was eight. I never forgot it. - Stephen King
Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law."
WC Fields: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible." - WC Fields
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. - Sophia Loren
see also
Mother’s Day
Section
A Mother’s Day Special
A Mother’s Love
A Woman’s Mind
Looking For Your Wife?
Looking Small
Mother’s Day Gift - Not
Real Man’s Point System
Romance Lost
Understanding Women
My Time
Algebra Relationship
Mask Shortage
Exit Not Found
Early Shave
Dementia Purse
Quarantine Response
Braided Horse Tail
Government Debt
Statue Tug Of War
Kiosk Hours
Tight Fit
Life Is Beautiful
Buddha Pear
Yes!
Sunday Service Social Distancing
Mannequin Pointer
Life's Choices
Two Of Each
Napoleon
30-Mar-2020 |