Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
The best medicine is having a good wife. - Kin Hubbard
Bagdad: What mother did when she met father - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb
The titular head... that's the mother, ain't it? - Archie Bunker
Life began with waking up and loving my mother's face. - George Eliot
Food, love, mother and career: the four basic guilt groups. - Cathy Guisewite
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters
When your wife asks what's on TV, dust is not the right answer. - Unknown
It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it. - Dorothy
My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist. - Robin Williams
The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me. - Howard Nemerov
Symptoms are the body's mother tongue; signs are in a foreign language. - John Brown
My mom told me a long time ago, 'Never get in a fight with a lady.' - Oliver North
My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. - Henny Youngman
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown
When my wife asked me to start a garden the first thing I dug up was an excuse. - Henny Youngman
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Acceptance, tolerance, bravery, compassion. These are the things my mom taught me. - Lady Gaga
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. - Milton Berle
I not only think we tamper with Mother Nature, I think that Mother Nature wants us to. - Willard Gatlin
The Iron Curtain may be a thing of the past, but Mother Russia is as mysterious as ever. - Robert Gottlieb
Chutzpapa: A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams
My mom always said, "Don't say if I make it", say, "When I make it!" - Mariah Carey
My wife hasn't had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of our Lord-only-knows. - Unknown
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. - Henny Youngman
What greater aspiration and challenge are there for a mother than the hope of raising a great son or daughter? - Rose Kennedy
In Hollywood, you play a mom, and the next thing you know, you're on The Golden Girls. They age you so fast. - Gabrielle Union
I tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. - Rodney Dangerfield
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry
I think Mick Jagger would be astounded and amazed if he realized that to many people he is not a sex symbol, but a mother image. - David Bowie
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. - Sophia Loren
This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon
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