Ode to Mothers

Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We’re related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on. Who’s the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad. What’s the difference between Moms and Dad? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don’t do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back. Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster I miss you, Mom... QuotaBills Necessity is the mother of invention. - Unknown Diligence is the mother of good fortune. - Benjamin Disraeli Fearlessness is the mother of reinvention. - Arianna Huffington I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested. - Unknown You trust your mother, but you cut the cards. - Unknown Ideal Wife: Any woman who has an ideal husband - Daffynitions joe-ks.com Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson A man's mother is his misfortune, but his wife is his fault. - Walter Begehot Sweater: A garment worn by a child when his mother feels chilly. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse. - Spike Milligan A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash Adam was the luckiest man in the world - he had no mother-in-law. - Sholom Aleichem Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother. - Unknown No one else, ever, will think you're great the way your mother does. - Mary Matalin My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist. - Robin Williams New mother - they get a sense of waddya call, "the maternals." - Archie Bunker Mother - that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries. - T Dewitt Talmage My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. - Mark Twain Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary. - Dorothy C Fisher I want to stay curled and cosied and chocolated... forever in my mother's arms. - Sanober Khan Enthusiasm is the mother of effort, and without it nothing great was ever achieved. - Ralph Waldo Emerson My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng Mother is the heartbeat in the home; and without her, there seems to be no heart throb. - Leroy Brownlow Wise Husband: One who buys his wife such fine china she won't trust him to wash the dishes - Daffynitions joe-ks.com My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall. A mother's secret hope outlives them all. - Oliver Wendell Holmes I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. - Abraham Lincoln My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, Just wait. - Judy Tenuta To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow. - Maya Angelou When my wife says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. - Mike Vanatta Being a dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero.' - Ryan Reynolds see also   Mother’s Day   Section A Mother’s Day Special A Mother’s Love A Woman’s Mind Looking For Your Wife? Looking Small Mother’s Day Gift - Not Real Man’s Point System Romance Lost Understanding Women   Deer Hunter Tattoo Nope, Didn't See A Thing Man Sues Wife Over Make-Up Down Under Bronco Riding For Kids Re-Ewes Me It's A Keeper Plankstanders Millionaire Women Laptop Cooler Scan Scam Motorcycle Taxi I've Got Time Clangeroo Redneck Cooler Instead Of Flowers Mt. Rushmore from the Canadian Side I Love Summer Karma Towing Salmon-chanted Evening Hands On Tree

24-Jul-2021