Ode to Mothers

Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We’re related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on. Who’s the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad. What’s the difference between Moms and Dad? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don’t do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back. Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster I miss you, Mom... QuotaBills My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield Leisure is the Mother of Philosophy. - Thomas Hobbes Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover! - Homer Simpson Getting caught is the mother of invention. - Robert Byrne Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. - Spanish Proverb Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. - Oprah Winfrey A mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled. - Emily Dickinson I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield Whatsoever was the father of a disease, an ill diet was the mother. - George Herbert I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist. - Robin Williams New mother - they get a sense of waddya call, "the maternals." - Archie Bunker Necessity may be the mother of invention, but play is certainly the father. - Roger von Oech There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed - I never knew they worked. - Les Dawson It was partially my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father's. - Robert Frost Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath, and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter DeVries Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. - Zig Ziglar What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you. - Nora Ephron When I moved out of my mom's house at 18 I was almost as sad to leave her sewing machine behind as anything else. - Beth Ditto So long as the mother, ignorance, lives, it is not safe for science, the offspring, to divulge the hidden cause of things. - Johannes Kepler To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow. - Maya Angelou By embracing your mother wound as your yoga, you transform what has been a hindrance in your life into a teacher of the heart. - Phillip Moffitt After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. - Milton Berle With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield Education commences on the mother's knee, and every word spoken within hearsay of little children tends toward the formation of character. - Hosea Ballou I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity. - Eleanor Roosevelt How shall a man escape from his ancestors, or draw off from his veins the black drop which he drew from his father’s or mother's life? - Ralph Waldo Emerson Chutzpa is that quality enshrined in a man who, having killed his mother and father, throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan. - Leo Rosten see also   Mother’s Day   Section A Mother’s Day Special A Mother’s Love A Woman’s Mind Looking For Your Wife? 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21-Feb-2020