Ode to Mothers

Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We’re related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on. Who’s the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad. What’s the difference between Moms and Dad? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don’t do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back. Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster I miss you, Mom... QuotaBills Fearlessness is the mother of reinvention. - Arianna Huffington Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover! - Homer Simpson I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested. - Unknown The phrase working mother is redundant. - Jane Sellman Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante You're not famous until my mother has heard of you. - Jay Leno Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side. - Archie Bunker The titular head... that's the mother, ain't it? - Archie Bunker Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation. - Robert A. Heinlein His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield A mother's arms are more comforting than anyone else's. - Princess Diana I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - WC Fields In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield I'm having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife. - Ella Grasso I unapologetically and unabashedly am deeply biased toward my mother. - Chelsea Clinton Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother. - Beverly Jones Necessity may be the mother of invention, but play is certainly the father. - Roger von Oech Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson A mother's arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them. - Victor Hugo Your mother's down there throwing a monkey wrench into the halls of justice. - Archie Bunker The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Henry Ward Beecher My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed - I never knew they worked. - Les Dawson I want to stay curled and cosied and chocolated... forever in my mother's arms. - Sanober Khan My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. - Rodney Dangerfield I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago. - Will Rogers A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield You really don't need to study how to change a diaper. As a new mom, you learn pretty darn quickly! - Ivanka Trump What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you. - Nora Ephron A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner By embracing your mother wound as your yoga, you transform what has been a hindrance in your life into a teacher of the heart. - Phillip Moffitt Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle Worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes. - P.J. O'Rourke Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx see also   Mother’s Day   Section A Mother’s Day Special A Mother’s Love A Woman’s Mind Looking For Your Wife? Looking Small Mother’s Day Gift - Not Real Man’s Point System Romance Lost Understanding Women   Canadian Breakdancing Ninja Raccoon Newfie Steering Wheel Lock Marriage Barrier Redneck Wine Holder Snow Wall Cold One Baby Chat Window Cleaning On The Edge Father Time Snowman Back Pain No Extras Massage Gooooooooooogle Air Hot Tub Hangups Scenery Cut and Paste Origin of the Whoopee Cushion Better With A Beard Canadian Winter Smile Monkey Morning Snow Geese

29-Jan-2020