Ode to Mothers

Why did God make mothers? 1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We’re related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on. Who’s the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad. What’s the difference between Moms and Dad? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don’t do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back. Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster I miss you, Mom... QuotaBills As is the mother, so is her daughter. - Bible Necessity is the mother of invention. - Unknown Ignorance is the mother of admiration. - George Chapman Necessity is the mother of taking chances. - Mark Twain Inner silence is the mother of all talents. - Ravi Shankar Mother-In-Law Sandwich: Cold shoulder and tongue - Daffynitions joe-ks.com A mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled. - Emily Dickinson Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde She's descended from a long line her mother listened to. - Gypsy Rose Lee Blaming mother is just a negative way of clinging to her still. - Nancy Friday Mother is a verb. It's something you do. Not just who you are. - Dorothy C Fisher If I didn't have you as a mom, I'd choose you as a friend. - Unknown A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother. - Unknown Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters The story of a mother's life: trapped between a scream and a hug. - Cathy Guisewite Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother. - Beverly Jones There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one. - Jill Churchill Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson God pardons like a mother who kisses the offense into everlasting forgiveness. - Henry Ward Beecher Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife - Daffynitions joe-ks.com The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Henry Ward Beecher Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. - Milton Berle A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. - Irish Proverb The Iron Curtain may be a thing of the past, but Mother Russia is as mysterious as ever. - Robert Gottlieb Chutzpapa: A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper - Daffynitions joe-ks.com I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. - P.J. O'Rourke If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been. - Robert Brault A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. - Agatha Christie Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. - Milton Berle Sayin' grace - it's just thankin' Mother Nature, whose 1st name just happens to be Grace. - Archie Bunker You really don't need to study how to change a diaper. As a new mom, you learn pretty darn quickly! - Ivanka Trump My mother always used to say, "The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana." - Betty White When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates I think Mick Jagger would be astounded and amazed if he realized that to many people he is not a sex symbol, but a mother image. - David Bowie Fall: The season when your wife buys new winter clothes so she will have something to wear when she goes out shopping for spring outfits - Daffynitions joe-ks.com When my wife says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. - Mike Vanatta Being a dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero.' - Ryan Reynolds My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation. - Mark Twain see also   Mother’s Day   Section A Mother’s Day Special A Mother’s Love A Woman’s Mind Looking For Your Wife? Looking Small Mother’s Day Gift - Not Real Man’s Point System Romance Lost Understanding Women   Removed Posts Second Hand Work Ostrich Fill Up Calory Bomb Interuption Charge Reach For Your Dreams Perception Jeopardy Measuring Cup All We Have To Do Is Stand Up Vacuum Extender BrownEes Chinese Puzzle Car Always Give 100% At Work Ancient Politician My Toaster Is Broken Shining Stars Tunnel Face The Bugs Are Bad This Year Dog Spa Ostrich Imprint

29-Jun-2022