Program for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony The opening ceremony will feature a re-enactment of the history of the government of British Columbia, performed by a professional clown troupe and a used car salesman. A flock of peace doves will then be released to celebrate Canada”s freedoms. The doves will be available in local ethnic dining establishments shortly after the ceremony. Next will be an exciting display of synchronized SUV parking. The SUVs will then be stolen. This will be followed by a large variety of performances celebrating the diversity of Canada”s culture. Riot police will be in attendance to keep the performers apart. A separate, simultaneous opening ceremony will be held in French. This event will be lavishly funded by the federal government and will receive extensive coverage on CBC. It is expected to have a total of 7 attendees. Biathlon Venue: Gastown Description: Competitors must shoot as many spectators as possible within the permitted time. Fencing Venue: Surrey Description: Matches will be between national teams of 6 or more individuals, each issued with a combination of machetes, knives and lengths of steel pipe. Points will be awarded for the most creative ethnic slurs. 100m Hurdles Venue: Commercial Drive Description: Competitors must complete the race while carrying a DVD player and a 32" television. The competitors are free to perform the event as many times as they wish. The original plans to include a police dog chasing the competitors were dropped due to concerns about the lack of realism. Vancouver Modern Pentathlon Venue: Downtown Eastside Description: The event has been amended to include Panhandling, Squeegeeing, Beer Bottle Collecting, Shopping Cart Racing and Cardboard Shelter Building. All events under the influence of crystal methamphetamine, heroin or crack cocaine. Volleyball Venue: Kitsilano Description: Competitors will be judged by the quality of their physical appearance and the brands of clothes they are wearing. Additional points will be added for their skill in selecting the most appropriate wine to accompany dishes consisting of organic pesticide-free artichoke hearts, imported aged goat cheese and raw seaweed. Freestyle Gymnastics Venue: Kingsway at Joyce St., Burnaby (2 A.M.) Description: The events will be performed in the back seat of a Honda Civic. The competitor who earns the most wins. Bobsled Venue: None Description: This event has been cancelled because the provincial government has deemed bobsleds to be vehicles and none of the competitors were able to afford the compulsory ICBC insurance premiums. Ice Hockey Venue: Mastercard Place (note new location – Mastercard outbid GMC for rights to building name) Description: You live in Canada, and you have to ask what hockey is, eh? Applicants now being accepted for Women’s teams only (men’s teams – and the Vancouver Canucks - need not apply). Speed Walking Venue: Richmond Description: Preference given to Chinese competitors who can follow strict new rules to “Wok, not run.” Luge Venue: Victoria Description: This event is planned to draw the largest group of politicians ever gathered at an Olympic event. They will compete in a sport consistent with their profession. Synchronized Cow Chip Throwing Venue: Abbotsford Description: This event “Mooved” to the Fraser Valley - don”t worry, they”ve almost got the Mad Cows under control there now... Closing Ceremony: Mastercard Place Travel Plans: If attempting to drive to the Closing Ceremony from anywhere within one block of Mastercard Place, plan on leaving 5 hours early. The closing ceremony will begin with a fly-over of the entire Canadian Forces SeaKing helicopter fleet (please stay well clear of the aircraft”s flight path), and an appearance by Canada’s submarine fleet (if they can release it from the West Edmonton Mall). In an exciting event without precedent, the ceremony will feature the athletes being evicted from the Athlete”s Village, followed by an illegal squat in Stanley Park. The ceremony will then conclude with a gay Mardi Gras parade down Davie St. see also   Olympic  Section   Reflective Art Canadian Drive-Thru Work At Home Mom German Car Parkade Dog Face or Dog Butt? Trunk Minions Despicable Watermelon New Parking Spot For Women Popcorn Cremation Time Is Free Fishing Trip in New Zealand Happy 4th of July Click Click Imaging Specialists Awkward Soldier Salute You Turn Australia 101 For Tourists Horse Wood Sculpture Changing Priorities Ahead Fishing With Moses

04-Jul-2022