One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.
“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a Doctor.”
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.”
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
Clues that can help to determine the most likely diagnosis
when illness is present
Sickness soaks the purse. - International Proverb
Gangrene: To be feeling sick - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Society is a hospital of incurables. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The best medicine is having a good wife. - Kin Hubbard
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. - Ben Franklin
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
My music isn't just music - it's medicine. - Unknown
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Dancing: The Highest Intelligence in the Freest Body. - Isadora Duncan
When the problem is worry, the prescription is prayer. - David Jeremiah
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Steven Wright
You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go. - Bill Watterson
If we become ill, modern medicine can work healing miracles. - Joseph B Wirthlin
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
There is no cure for birth and death, save to enjoy the interval. - George Santayana
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. - Dorothy Parker
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. - Rodney Dangerfield
Mental will is a muscle that needs exercise, just like muscles of the body. - Lynn Jennings
Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured. - B.K. Iyengar
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. - Jonathan Blake
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
To cure the British disease with socialism was like trying to cure leukemia with leeches. - Margaret Thatcher
When once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her body. - John Vanbrugh
Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as friendly to the mind as to the body. - Joseph Addison
We go by the major vote, and if the majority are insane, the sane must go to the hospital. - Horace Mann
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
The world was made for the body. The body was made for the soul. And the soul was made for God. - Ravi Zacharias
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun. - Flip Wilson
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
If you would perfect your body, guard your mind.
If you would renew your body, beautify your mind. - James Allen
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman
The soul is placed in the body like a rough diamond, and must be polished, or the luster of it will never appear. - Daniel Defoe
The public needs to know - they need to know as much about atrial fibrillation as they do about cancer and diabetes. - Barry Manilow
Concentrating on poses clears the mind, while focusing on the breath helps the body shift out of fight or flight mode. - Melanie Haiken
I chalk up the fact that I got diabetes to my body saying, 'Dude, you have been doing wrong for way too long!' - Randy Jackson
Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body - let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. - Unknown
Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller
Enoki mushrooms, a tasty variety commonly sold in grocery stores, were one of the first mushrooms studied for preventing cancer. - Paul Stamets
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
In other industries, value is defined by the ultimate stakeholder - the one who benefits, or not, from the service. We should do the same in medicine. - Dave deBronkart
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