Costco Doctor

Where to check your family’s medical symptoms


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a Doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!


Clues that can help to determine the most likely diagnosis
when illness is present

QuotaBills
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken

Grief is itself a medicine. - William Cowper

No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb

A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb

A gun gives you the body, not the bird. - Henry David Thoreau

A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb

No medicine cures what happiness cannot. - Gabriel G Marquez

Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer

When I first found out I had diabetes I denied it. - Nell Carter

As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Surgeon: The person who was a cut-up at medical school - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

For broken dreams, the cure is dream again; and deeper. - C S Lewis

Never ever lose your head. Its the best part of your body. - Art Rooney

The best cure for unrequited love: get to know them better. - Alain de Botton

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go. - Bill Watterson

If we become ill, modern medicine can work healing miracles. - Joseph B Wirthlin

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. - Kin Hubbard

There is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - Jack E Leonard

There is but one temple in the universe and that is the body of man. - Novalis

I do believe that laughter is the best medicine - it cures everything. - Radhika Apte

The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter

The body is your temple. Keep it pure and clean for the soul to reside in. - B.K. Iyengar

The good-news stories in medicine are early detection, early intervention. - Thomas R Insel

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher

I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure! - Unknown

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. - Ross MacDonald

No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild

Seafood is one of the easiest things to digest - a bratwurst is really hard on the body. - Joey Chestnut

My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't think about it, I just have it. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Stress exacerbates any problem, whether it's diabetes, heart trouble, MS, or whatever. - Mary Ann Mobley

I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King. - Elizabeth I

The most important pieces of equipment you need for doing yoga are your body and your mind. - Rodney Yee

Twists are wonderful for whittling your waist, stretching your back, and detoxifying the body. - Mandy Ingber

Ignorance is not so damnable as humbug, but when it prescribes pills it may happen to do more harm. - George Eilot

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. - Phyllis Diller

Tattoos have a power and magic all their own. They decorate the body but they also enhance the soul. - Michelle Delio

In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

Being diagnosed with diabetes can be a very scary thing, and it can easily make your life stand still for a moment. - Charlie Kimball

I had a job selling hearing aids from door to door. It wasn't easy, because your best prospects never answered. - Bob Monkhouse

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. - George Carlin

Pride: 1. A disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it; 2. Pride is what we have - vanity is what others have. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw

When enough people care about autism or diabetes or global warming, it helps everyone, even if only a tiny fraction actively participate. - Seth Godin

Getting wrapped up in worries is bad for your body and spirit. That's when you must short out your logic circuits and reboot your heart. - Pokemon

I do not love to work out, but if I stick to exercising every day and put the right things in my mouth, then my diabetes just stays in check. - Halle Berry

My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield

Our food pyramid, the kind of diet that is constantly promoted, is completely warped. It's not based around anything to do with healing your body. - Jessica Origliasso


see also   Family,  Medical  &  Shopping  Sections
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07-Jul-2022