Costco Doctor

Where to check your family’s medical symptoms


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a Doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!


Clues that can help to determine the most likely diagnosis
when illness is present

QuotaBills
Sickness soaks the purse. - International Proverb

Diabetes is caused by melancholy. - Thomas Willis

Anatomical: Joe-ks about the body - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I could eat my body weight in sushi. - Mikey Way

Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet

The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb

When I first found out I had diabetes I denied it. - Nell Carter

Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - WC Fields

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx

No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb

I have friends struggling with autism, juvenile diabetes. - Nicole A. Parker

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body. - C S Lewis

The best cure for unrequited love: get to know them better. - Alain de Botton

If we become ill, modern medicine can work healing miracles. - Joseph B Wirthlin

Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Zeal: A nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. - Ambrose Bierce

I do believe that laughter is the best medicine - it cures everything. - Radhika Apte

The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. - Steven Wright

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham

This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured. - B.K. Iyengar

The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine. - P G Wodehouse

Life is not over because you have diabetes. Make the most of what you have, be grateful. - Dale Evans

The cure for a broken heart is simple, my lady. A hot bath and a good night's sleep. - Margaret George

I've just become a pensioner so I've started saving up for my own hospital trolley. - Tom Baker

The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying

I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne

My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton

The world was made for the body. The body was made for the soul. And the soul was made for God. - Ravi Zacharias

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons

My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body. - Donald Trump

An angel is a spiritual creature created by God without a body for the service of Christendom and the church. - Leo Rosten

Yoga is really trying to liberate us from shame about our bodies. To love your body is a very important thing. - Rodney Yee

If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history. - Mahatma Gandhi

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - Orison Swett Marden

It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler

We are, as a species, addicted to story. Even when the body goes to sleep, the mind stays up all night, telling itself stories. - John Gottschall

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield

There is a great difference between mind and body insomuch as body is by nature always divisible, and the mind is entirely indivisible. - Rene Descartes

Lost wealth may be replaced by industry; lost knowledge by study; lost health by temperance or medicine; but lost time is gone forever. - Samuel Smiles

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman

When you are called to a sick man, be sure you know what the matter is — if you do not know, nature can do a great deal better than you can guess. - Nicholas de Belleville


see also   Family,  Medical  &  Shopping  Sections
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17-Jan-2022