Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
Happiness is health and a short memory. - Unknown
Where a man feels pain he lays his hand. - Dutch Proverb
No medicine cures what happiness cannot. - Gabriel G Marquez
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
God is a concept by which we measure our pain. - John Lennon
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime. - Bette Davis
He who makes a beast out of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. - Dr. Seuss
Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigger. - Allen Klein
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
It is my custom to call this book 'An Anatomy of All the Parts of the Soul.' - John Calvin
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer
Smart people that like good health spend several hours outdoors daily in the shade of trees. - Steven Magee
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. - C S Lewis
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
Meaninglessness does not come from being weary of pain; meaninglessness comes from being weary of pleasure. - G K Chesterton
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
The trouble with putting armor on is that, while it protects you from pain, it also protects you from pleasure. - Celeste Holm
God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain. - C S Lewis
What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease. - Alexander Pope
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
You can catch health, happiness, and success from others just as easily as you can catch worries, bitterness, and failure. - Dale Carnegie
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
In order to have great happiness you have to have great pain and unhappiness - otherwise how would you know when you're happy? - Leslie Caron
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
In other industries, value is defined by the ultimate stakeholder - the one who benefits, or not, from the service. We should do the same in medicine. - Dave deBronkart
Help For Dead Children
Miss Beautiful Spine
Men in Denim
Extreme Pressure Cooker
Nothing Wrong Picture
Hide and Seek
Going Around In Circles
Hydro Water Power
Tons Of Anarchy