Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
The first wealth is health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Pain will leave you, when you let go. - Jeremy Aldana
The best medicine is having a good wife. - Kin Hubbard
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. - Hippocrates
My music isn't just music - it's medicine. - Unknown
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain. - Charlie Chaplin
He who enjoys good health is rich, though he knows it not. - Italian Proverb
If we become ill, modern medicine can work healing miracles. - Joseph B Wirthlin
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Markus Herz
The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal. - C S Lewis
The worst thing about medicine is that one kind makes another necessary. - Elbert Hubbard
The great art of life is sensation; to feel that we exist, even in pain. - Lord Byron
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men. - Cicero
Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer
Smart people that like good health spend several hours outdoors daily in the shade of trees. - Steven Magee
We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves. - Prince Philip
Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
Meaninglessness does not come from being weary of pain; meaninglessness comes from being weary of pleasure. - G K Chesterton
Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman
Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw
Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. - Mark Twain
Medicine is the restoration of discordant elements; sickness is the discord of the elements infused into the living body. - Leonardo da Vinci
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
So often the difference from where we are, and where God wants us to be, is the pain we aren't wiling to endure to get there. - Craig Groeschel
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
Do something everyday that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. - Mark Twain
Every essential oil has a healing purpose. I think it's a great gift because it's something that elevates your mood and your health. - Yolanda Hadid
Health is the finest possession. Contentment is the ultimate wealth. Trustworthy people are the best relatives. Unbinding is the supreme ease. - Buddha
Nurse: 1. A woman whose business is to make sickness a pleasure; 2. A young women who holds your wrist and then expects your pulse to be normal.
- Daffynitions joe-ks.com
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