Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin
Logic is the anatomy of thought. - Albert Einstein
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. - Plato
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
If you ignore your health for long enough, it'll go away. - Unknown
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
A nurse will always give us hope,
an angel with a stethoscope. - Terri Guillemets
He who makes a beast out of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. - Dr. Seuss
Shared pain is lessened; shared joy, increased - thus do we refute entropy. - Spider Robinson
In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men. - Cicero
This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live. - Kanye West
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx
A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind
The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
When you’re a nurse you know that every day you will touch a life or a life will touch yours. - Unknown
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
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