Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. - Haruki Murakami
God is a concept by which we measure our pain. - John Lennon
Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny
Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura
A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb
The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
He who enjoys good health is rich, though he knows it not. - Italian Proverb
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome
One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea. - Walter Bagehot
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter
The good-news stories in medicine are early detection, early intervention. - Thomas R Insel
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley
If you want to get out of medicine the fullest enjoyment, be students all your lives. - David Riesman
We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves. - Prince Philip
You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea. - Pearl S. Buck
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I started out as a football player. I liked to inflict pain. In basketball, it was the same thing. - Shaquille O'Neal
Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. - C S Lewis
Pain is neither intolerable nor everlasting... it is in the power of the soul to maintain its own serenity. - Marcus Aurelius
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The more pain that's referenced or implied, the deeper the laugh can be because the laughter heals the pain. - Mimi Kennedy
Pain is a sign that we are alive. Problems are a sign that we are strong. Prayer is a sign that we are not alone. - Unknown
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
The pain started years ago, but I'd lived with it for so long at that point that I'd accepted it as an inevitable part of me. - Ashley Wallis
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
Help For Dead Children
Miss Beautiful Spine
Amish Smart Car
Tired Of Snow
Drowning Danger in the Dead Sea
Redneck Cotter Pin
2021 Hooters Owl and Birds of Prey Calendars
1947 X-ray Machine
Economy Flight Plan
Canadian Car Crash
Seuss Army Knife