Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Pain should not be wasted. - Gerda W Klein
Grief is itself a medicine. - William Cowper
Medicine is the best medicine. - Doctors Anonymous
The pain passes, but the beauty remains. - Pierre-August Renoir
No medicine cures what happiness cannot. - Gabriel G Marquez
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman
Hope is medicine for a soul that's sick and tired. - Eric Swensson
Why is it we never get our bad medicine in small doses? - Edmund H North
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability. - William Osler
Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome
There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel
Save one life, you're a hero. Save 100 lives, you're a nurse. - Unknown
Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigger. - Allen Klein
One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. - Joseph Campbell
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh
Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh
People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders
Grave: A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
Everybody has losses - it's unavoidable in life. Sharing our pain is very healing. - Isabel Allende
When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you
known it is healed. - Lyanla Vanzant
Physiology is the stepchild of medicine. That is why Cinderella often turns out the queen. - Martin H. Fischer
Smart people that like good health spend several hours outdoors daily in the shade of trees. - Steven Magee
We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves. - Prince Philip
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain. - C S Lewis
Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler
Medicine is the restoration of discordant elements; sickness is the discord of the elements infused into the living body. - Leonardo da Vinci
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
Health is the finest possession. Contentment is the ultimate wealth. Trustworthy people are the best relatives. Unbinding is the supreme ease. - Buddha
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