Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
The first wealth is health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Laughter is the best medicine. - Joe-kster
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx
We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. - Kenji Miyazawa
It is easy to stand a pain, but difficult to stand an itch. - Chang Ch'ao
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
If you ignore your health for long enough, it'll go away. - Unknown
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
The great art of life is sensation; to feel that we exist, even in pain. - Lord Byron
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley
Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. - Erma Bombeck
We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves. - Prince Philip
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
A life coach does for the rest of your life what a personal trainer does for your health and fitness. - Elaine MacDonald
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth. - Unknown
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
Do something everyday that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. - Mark Twain
Mysterious love, uncertain treasure, hast thou more of pain or pleasure! Endless torments dwell about thee: Yet who would live, and live without thee! - Joseph Addison
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