Important Health Information

Does cardiovascular exercise improve life?


Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!

[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]





QuotaBills
Anatomy is destiny. - Sigmund Freud

Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin

Quack: A duck's Doctor - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Medicine is the best medicine. - Doctors Anonymous

Laughter is the best medicine. - Joe-kster

God is a concept by which we measure our pain. - John Lennon

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Max Eastman

False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. - Hippocrates

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers

Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton

Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain. - Charlie Chaplin

He who enjoys good health is rich, though he knows it not. - Italian Proverb

Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime. - Bette Davis

Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown

Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield

No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown. - William Penn

Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings

You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it. - J K Rowling

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller

A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh

Grave: A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you known it is healed. - Lyanla Vanzant

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. - Erma Bombeck

You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea. - Pearl S. Buck

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne

A life coach does for the rest of your life what a personal trainer does for your health and fitness. - Elaine MacDonald

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

The trouble with putting armor on is that, while it protects you from pain, it also protects you from pleasure. - Celeste Holm

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

Lost wealth may be replaced by industry; lost knowledge by study; lost health by temperance or medicine; but lost time is gone forever. - Samuel Smiles

Every essential oil has a healing purpose. I think it's a great gift because it's something that elevates your mood and your health. - Yolanda Hadid

My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield

Nurse: 1. A woman whose business is to make sickness a pleasure; 2. A young women who holds your wrist and then expects your pulse to be normal. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com


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28-May-2022