Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Society is a hospital of incurables. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid
Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. - Tom Waits
Fond of lawsuits, little wealth; fond of doctors, little health. - Hebrew Proverb
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
The more you get past pain, the more it goes from coal to diamond. - Jodi Picoult
Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime. - Bette Davis
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes. - Richard M Nixon
I do believe that laughter is the best medicine - it cures everything. - Radhika Apte
The great art of life is sensation; to feel that we exist, even in pain. - Lord Byron
The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter
Out of suffering comes creativity. You cannot spell painting without pain. - John Lithgow
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind
But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. - Erma Bombeck
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons
Pain is neither intolerable nor everlasting... it is in the power of the soul to maintain its own serenity. - Marcus Aurelius
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw
Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. - Mark Twain
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
Perfect freedom is as necessary to the health and vigor of commerce as it is to the health and vigor of citizenship. - Patrick Henry
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman
Mysterious love, uncertain treasure, hast thou more of pain or pleasure! Endless torments dwell about thee: Yet who would live, and live without thee! - Joseph Addison
In other industries, value is defined by the ultimate stakeholder - the one who benefits, or not, from the service. We should do the same in medicine. - Dave deBronkart
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