Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin
Laughter is the best medicine. - Joe-kster
Maternity Hospital: An heirport - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Where a man feels pain he lays his hand. - Dutch Proverb
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron
False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Leaders don't inflict pain; they share pain. - Max Depree
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
Champions expect pain, endure pain, and never complain. - Unknown
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
I am not into working out. My philosophy: no pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer
Fond of lawsuits, little wealth; fond of doctors, little health. - Hebrew Proverb
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes
There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown
Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigger. - Allen Klein
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders
If you want to get out of medicine the fullest enjoyment, be students all your lives. - David Riesman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
I started out as a football player. I liked to inflict pain. In basketball, it was the same thing. - Shaquille O'Neal
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. - Thomas Paine
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain. - C S Lewis
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Just like a shoe, if someone is meant for you, they will fit just perfectly. No forcing, no struggling, and no pain. - Unknown
Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden
Lost wealth may be replaced by industry; lost knowledge by study; lost health by temperance or medicine; but lost time is gone forever. - Samuel Smiles
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