POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work
in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours,
which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from
zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the
backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating
technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing
to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly
and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery
operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume complete complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in
the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on
a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this - you pay them! Offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption
that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you
give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is
that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if
you play your cards right.
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