There were three country Churches in a small town: Methodist, Lutheran and Catholic.
Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
The Methodist Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
The Lutheran group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholics found the most effective solution - they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Moose are the squirrels of Alaska. - Tim Moon
Cantaloupe: Got to get married in Church - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Holy Mackerel: Fish served at Church supper - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit. - Sarah J. Parker
The church is the great lost-and-found department. - Robert Short
I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn
The squirrel that you kill in jest, dies in earnest. - Henry David Thoreau
I once dieted so religiously I quit eating in Church. - Zig Ziglar
Where God has his church, the Devil will have his chapel. - Spanish Proverb
Today's church wants to be raptured from responsibility. - Leonard Ravenhill
I'm an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt. - Edna O'Brien
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
For the man who prays in his heart, the whole world is a church. - Sylvain of Athos
It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect. - Dylan Moran
In an urban environment, a church building is a thing of the past. - Mark Batterson
I once heard a preacher who sorely tempted me to go to church no more. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon
I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy
Church is the only society on earth that exists for the benefit of non-members. - William Temple
No Chinese Catholics are allowed to worship ancestors in their familial temples. - Pope Clement XI
I love my squirrel and dumplings, but you can make it with chicken and dumplings. - Kay Robertson
You can always borrow a corkscrew from a member of the Protestant Episcopal Church. - Chauncey Depew
I'm a Catholic deer hunter. I am happy to be clinging to my guns and my religion. - Paul Ryan
The first time I sang in the Church choir, two hundred people changed their religion. - Fred Allen
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
I'm a Catholic and I can't commit suicide, but I plan to drink myself to death. - Jack Kerouac
I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly
The church is close, but the road is icey. The tavern is far, but I will walk carefully. - Russian Proverb
The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going. - Reinhard Bonnke
I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole
I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke
I had to have some balls to be Irish Catholic in South London. Most of that time I spent fighting. - Pierce Brosnan
Let us build a church so great that those who come after us may thing us mad to have attempted it. - Unknown
He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic. - Kingsley Amis
I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. - Jimmy Fallon
Most people have some sort of religion, at least they know which church they're staying away from. - John Erskine
Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. - Billy Sunday
It's hard for me to imagine why a church that has younger members wouldn't have a blog component. - Mark Batterson
An angel is a spiritual creature created by God without a body for the service of Christendom and the church. - Leo Rosten
The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson
Some wish to live within the sound of church or chapel bell; I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell. - C.T. Studd
The bulletin board on the lawn of a New Jersey Church reads "We reserve the right to accept everybody." - John Kazmark
I am one of those cliff-hanging Catholics. I don't believe in God, but I do believe that Mary was his mother. - Martin Sheen
In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue
As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt
A squirrel dying in front of your house may be more relevant to your interests right now than people dying in Africa. - Mark Zuckerberg
You must mind and not lower the Church in people's eyes by seeming to be frightened about it for such a little thing. - George Eliot
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car. - Garrison Keillor
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in Church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. - Fred Allen
You can't be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet. - Hal Borland
I went to a Catholic boys' school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me. - Keanu Reeves
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision. - Unknown
Never feel self-pity, the most destructive emotion there is. How awful to be caught up in the terrible squirrel cage of self. - Millicent Fenwick
People are so shocked when they find... out I am Protestant. I am Presbyterian. And I go to church, and I love God, and I love my church. - Donald Trump
Some keep the Sabbath going to Church
I keep it, staying at Home
With a Bobolink for a Chorister
And an Orchard for a Dome - Emily Dickinson
Cantaloupe: Got to get married in Church - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Holy Mackerel: Fish served at Church supper - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit. - Sarah J. Parker
The church is the great lost-and-found department. - Robert Short
I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn
The squirrel that you kill in jest, dies in earnest. - Henry David Thoreau
I once dieted so religiously I quit eating in Church. - Zig Ziglar
Where God has his church, the Devil will have his chapel. - Spanish Proverb
Today's church wants to be raptured from responsibility. - Leonard Ravenhill
I'm an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt. - Edna O'Brien
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
For the man who prays in his heart, the whole world is a church. - Sylvain of Athos
It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect. - Dylan Moran
In an urban environment, a church building is a thing of the past. - Mark Batterson
I once heard a preacher who sorely tempted me to go to church no more. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon
I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy
Church is the only society on earth that exists for the benefit of non-members. - William Temple
No Chinese Catholics are allowed to worship ancestors in their familial temples. - Pope Clement XI
I love my squirrel and dumplings, but you can make it with chicken and dumplings. - Kay Robertson
You can always borrow a corkscrew from a member of the Protestant Episcopal Church. - Chauncey Depew
I'm a Catholic deer hunter. I am happy to be clinging to my guns and my religion. - Paul Ryan
The first time I sang in the Church choir, two hundred people changed their religion. - Fred Allen
I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller
I'm a Catholic and I can't commit suicide, but I plan to drink myself to death. - Jack Kerouac
I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly
The church is close, but the road is icey. The tavern is far, but I will walk carefully. - Russian Proverb
The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going. - Reinhard Bonnke
I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole
I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke
I had to have some balls to be Irish Catholic in South London. Most of that time I spent fighting. - Pierce Brosnan
Let us build a church so great that those who come after us may thing us mad to have attempted it. - Unknown
He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic. - Kingsley Amis
I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. - Jimmy Fallon
Most people have some sort of religion, at least they know which church they're staying away from. - John Erskine
Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. - Billy Sunday
It's hard for me to imagine why a church that has younger members wouldn't have a blog component. - Mark Batterson
An angel is a spiritual creature created by God without a body for the service of Christendom and the church. - Leo Rosten
The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson
Some wish to live within the sound of church or chapel bell; I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell. - C.T. Studd
The bulletin board on the lawn of a New Jersey Church reads "We reserve the right to accept everybody." - John Kazmark
I am one of those cliff-hanging Catholics. I don't believe in God, but I do believe that Mary was his mother. - Martin Sheen
In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue
As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt
A squirrel dying in front of your house may be more relevant to your interests right now than people dying in Africa. - Mark Zuckerberg
You must mind and not lower the Church in people's eyes by seeming to be frightened about it for such a little thing. - George Eliot
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car. - Garrison Keillor
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in Church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. - Fred Allen
You can't be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet. - Hal Borland
I went to a Catholic boys' school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me. - Keanu Reeves
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision. - Unknown
Never feel self-pity, the most destructive emotion there is. How awful to be caught up in the terrible squirrel cage of self. - Millicent Fenwick
People are so shocked when they find... out I am Protestant. I am Presbyterian. And I go to church, and I love God, and I love my church. - Donald Trump
Some keep the Sabbath going to Church
I keep it, staying at Home
With a Bobolink for a Chorister
And an Orchard for a Dome - Emily Dickinson
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