Two Cow Capitalism

Capitalism is alive and well throughout the world

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. The cows go on strike to keep out American hormone-fed milk and launch a stampede through a McDonalds franchise at Euro-Disney. The French Cow Liberation Front hacks into the Cheddar website with images of Roquefort and WAV files declaring “Vive la France!” You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. They are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows. You read their DNA and figure out a way to create lean beef directly in a vat. You upload your cows. You debate endlessly on what to do with the originals cows, which are still alive and well, and are demanding bovine rights.

You have two cows. Both are mad.

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.

You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

You have two cows. You worship them.

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

You have two cows. Each one is worried that the other one might get a better milk output, so she keeps kicking the other one’s milk pail. All milk goes to waste. And then the farmer asks them to screw in lightbulbs, ’cause he doesn’t know how.

You have one cow that swam ashore. You can’t be certain that it is not infected with plague, so you place it in a razor-wire-fenced detention center. Another cow swims ashore but you are starting to suspect that these are not cows but rabbits, so you send it to a distant Pacific island. The number of cows (or possibly rabbits) arriving at shore drops drastically and your board gets reappointed with a bonus.

You have 5 cows, they’re healthy and produce x amounts of milk/month. Soon there are 10 cows, then 20, then 30. When the number reaches 40, suddenly 38 cows literally disappear. Some Senegalese breeders accuse Mauritanians. The Mauritanians say they’re innocent. Some fight starts, and someone dies. The story gets told and retold by the press. People’s fears and angers are being played with. A few hundreds Mauritanians get slaughtered in broad daylight, their shops and businesses are vandalized & burned. State of emergency is declared in Senegal. In the meantime, everybody forgets about the cows.

You have two cows, so you demand government support for struggling small farmers. While struggling against all the other small farmers for the government support (arguing that not only is your company providing at least two jobs for cows in a rural area, but also that since they are female you are also promoting equality) you don’t have the time to get the massive EU grant for corporations with two cows.

You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the U.S. government to find alternatives to milk production, but use the money to buy weapons.

You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

1990’s: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. The other sues sheepherders, claiming that the immigrant Belgian Sheep are carrying Mad Cow Disease (even though no sheep have ever caught it) and that they should be detained and destroyed by a Secret Dairy Tribunal set up by the FDA.

2009: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So?

You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

You have two cows. Your dairy operation is productive, and you sell 80% of the milk to the US market. The American government decides that you are taking advantage of federal subsidies to dump milk on the market below cost, and slaps you with 25% “countervailing” duties, to protect the interests of the above-mentioned American Corporation. Angered and enraged in typical polite Canadian fashion, you cheer on the Canadian hockey team to pound the USA team 5-2 and win Olympic gold. You let out a cheer, wave the Maple Leaf a bit, then apologize for the outburst and get back to milking your cows.

You have two cows, but only need the milk from one. So you sell one cow to an American company, who markets its product as being “pure Canadian milk.” That American corporation prospers thanks to its “pure Canadian” marketing campaign. Meanwhile, you continue to sell the milk from your one cow at the same price in the same way. Canadian media finds out about the original “cow to America” transaction and creates a major story throughout Canada about how the big, greedy, successful American corporations prey on the ma and pa corporations North of the border. Influenced by the media, you file an unsuccessful lawsuit towards the American corporation. Upon the failure of the lawsuit, the Canadian media once again complains about the big, greedy American corporations.Three months later, you decide you don’t like the cow farming business anyhow, so you sell your remaining cow to the same American corporation that bought the first cow, and go into the ping-pong ball manufacturing business.

You own two cows, so you send a business plan to 20 venture capital firms about how you can make money by giving away milk and selling ad space on the cartons. As the venture capital runs out, you issue an IPO based on your projections that your research team will develop new milking technology any day now. When your milking engineers tell you that they can’t get any more milk from a cow by working 60-hour weeks, you offer them more stock options if they’ll work 80-hour weeks solving the problem. The good engineers, who might actually have solved the problem, all work until their options vest, then retire, leaving you with junior engineers whose options all become wallpaper in another year when the company collapses and liquidates all its cows to a traditional dairy farm started by one of the old engineers.

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull... you now have enough cash to buy cow shredders.

A Corporate Accountant has 2 cows. One he calls Capital, the other OMA (Operations, Maintenance & Admin). He doesn’t feed OMA very much, so she gets sick and almost dies. He decides to throw her a few scraps from Capital’s trough until the new fiscal. She limps along but won’t give any milk, meanwhile Capital is so full she can’t eat anymore. The accountant decides to lay off the worker that feeds OMA as it must be his fault... he saves the wages for himself. OMA dies 2 days later, so he puts Capital into service (OMA’s stall) and expects things to change now that he has a new healthy cow. He fills out the required CRA Process form and orders a new Capital cow, but the new OMA is too weak to mate... the accountant decides to reorganize and buy more bulls... that will surely produce more milk!

see also   Business,  Cow,  Finance,
Government,  Nationality  &  Political  Sections

Be Nice To America
Cash Cow Companies
Lie Clock
Politics 101
St. Peter’s Politics
Two Cow Politics


Famous Equations

Ain't Mowing the Lawn Anymore


Deer Me!

Inverted Helicopter

Water Hat

NASCAR Fan - Diehard Category


Build It - They Will Come

Exhausted Baby

Monkeypox II

Overloaded Bookshop

Grass Leak

Family Tent

False Dreams

Full list of creditsFacebookTwitterDiggStumbleUponDelicious