Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
Work hard, nap hard. - Demi Lovato

Many hands make light work. - English Proverb

The human body is the best work of art. - Jess C. Scott

The harder you work, the harder it is to lose. - Unknown

Arriving at one goal is the starting point to another. - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

If God can work through me, he can work through anyone. - Saint Francis of Assisi

Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice, and need. - Voltaire

You do your best work if you do a job that makes you happy. - Bob Ross

I think housework is the reason most women go to the office. - Heloise Cruse

When you play, play hard; when you work, don't play at all. - Theodore Roosevelt

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. - Benjamin Franklin

Amateurs wait for inspiration. The real pros get up and go to work. - Harvey Mackay

There is no prejudice that the work of art does not finally overcome. - Andre Gide

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. - J.M. Barrie

Things work out best for those who make the best of how things work out. - John Wooden

There is no place where success comes before work, except in the dictionary. - Donald Kimball

Never be ashamed of the work you have done, only the work you haven't done. - Unknown

Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration; the rest of us just get up and go to work. - Stephen King

If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy. - Jay Leno

No honest work of man or woman "fails"; it feeds the sum of all human action. - Michelene Wandor

I don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

Fears work into the mind like maggots in a corpse; they fester and boil and work to no good. - David C. Smith & Richard L. Tierney

Be steady and well-ordered in your life so that you can be fierce and original in your work. - Gustave Flaubert

Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal. - Pamela Vaull Starr

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. - Lawrence J Peter

Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. - Newt Gingrich

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired, and get paid just enough money not to quite. - George Carlin

If A is success in life, then A = X + Y + Z. Work is X, play is Y, and Z is keeping your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein

Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week. - Maggie Kuhn

Teamwork makes the dream work, but a vision becomes a nightmare when the leader has a big dream and a bad team. - John C Maxwell

The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score. - Bill Copeland

I thank the Lord I no longer have to go to work. I just get out of bed in the morning, and there it is - all around me. - Unknown

The key to happiness and youth is an unencumbered spirit – whether it comes naturally or whether you have to work hard for it. - Emme Woodhull-Bache

If you've set goals and you want to achieve them, you have to think positively and achieving those goals will be a lot easier. - Becca Earl

Writing a new play shouldn't be seen as a mystery belonging to a priesthood, but as a technical challenge, just to get into it. - Ton Stoppard

It's said in Hollywood that you should always forgive your enemies because you never know when you'll have to work with them. - Lana Turner

Whatever success I may have attained is due to the fact that since I was old enough to work at all, my ambition has never deserted me. - Anna Held

If you are bored with life, if you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things – you don't have enough goals. - Lou Holtz

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return. - Maya Angelou

The Post Office just recalled their newest stamps. They had a picture of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. - Marvin Lebman


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26-Feb-2021