Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
The work praises the man. - Irish Proverb

Marathon runners set explicit goals. - Joseph B Wirthlin

A goal properly set is halfway reached. - Zig Ziglar

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. - Steven Wright

If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you. - Fred Devito

The work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. - Unknown

Work is the easiest activity man has invented to escape boredom. - Unknown

Work before pleasure - for there is no real pleasure without work. - Unknown

Work is the least important thing and family is the most important. - Jerry Seinfeld

His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours. - Arthur Baer

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. - J.M. Barrie

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius

Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. - Mark Twain

To tend, unfailingly, unflinchingly, towards a goal, is the secret of success. - Anna Pavlova

Leadership is the art of giving people a platform for spreading ideas that work. - Seth Godin

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. - Oscar Wilde

Personally, I'm against political jokes. Too often they get elected to office. - Henny Youngman

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always find me and brings me back. - Joe-kster

I had the most boring office job in the world - I used to clean the windows on envelopes. - Rita Rudner

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit. - R.E. Shay

Do your work with your whole heart, and you will succeed - there's so little competition. - Elbert Hubbard

A bad review is like baking a cake with all the best ingredients and having someone sit on it. - Danielle Steel

Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. - Newt Gingrich

Work while you have the light. You are responsible for the talent that has been entrusted to you. - Henri F Amiel

Our environment, the world in which we live and work, is a mirror of our attitudes and expectations. - Earl Nightingale

There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure. - Gen. Colin L. Powell

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. - Bob Hope

Every person I work with knows something better than me. My job is to listen long enough to find it and use it. - Jack Nichols

My job is not to make decisions but to set stretch objectives and help our managers work out how to reach them. - Sergio Marchionne

The secret of joy in work is contained in one word - excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it. - Pearl S Buck

The challenge of work-life balance is without question one of the most significant struggles faced by modern man. - Stephen Covey

I thank the Lord I no longer have to go to work. I just get out of bed in the morning, and there it is - all around me. - Unknown

The more work you put in on your outline and getting the skeleton of your story right, the easier the process is later. - Drew Goddard

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. - Thomas Jefferson

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them. - Henry David Thoreau

We've got to work to save our children and do it with full respect for the fact that if we do not, no one else is going to do it. - Dorothy Height

Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now. - Denis Waitley

I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can't find me until after high school. - Unknown

There are two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group - there is much less competition. - Indira Gandhi


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04-Jun-2020