Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
The work praises the man. - Irish Proverb

What isn't tried won't work. - Claude McDonald

Don't hope for success. Work for it. - Unknown

If you want peace, you must work for justice. - Pope Paul VI

The harder you work, the harder it is to lose. - Unknown

Problems are only opportunities in work clothes. - Henry J Kaiser

The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender. - Vince Lombardi

Resolve to work all of the time that you are at work. - Peter Legge

When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece. - Unknown

One should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art. - Oscar Wilde

Deliberation is the work of many men. Action, of one alone. - Charles de Gaulle

The key to success? Work hard, stay focused and marry a Kennedy. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time. - Coco Chanel

Most people want to improve themselves, but not many want to work at it. - Unknown

Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit. - Aristotle

The way to make a film is to begin with an earthquake and work up to a climax. - Cecil B. DeMille

In our progress towards the goal, we ever see more and more enchanting scenery. - Mahatma Gandhi

Blessed is he who has found his life's work; let him ask no other blessedness. - Thomas Carlyle

A professional is one who does his best work when he feels the least like working. - Frank Lloyd Wright

I have been all things unholy; if God can work through me, He can work through anyone. - St Francis of Assisi

The goal was scored a little bit by the hand of God, another bit by the head of Maradona. - Diego Maradona

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison

The surest way to establish your credit is to work yourself into the position of not needing any. - Maurice Switzer

A feeling of aversion or attachment toward something is your clue that there's work to be done. - Ram Dass

I don't like work - no man does - but I like what is in the work - the chance to find yourself. - Joseph Conrad

The best work that anybody ever writes is the work that is on the verge of embarrassing him, always. - Arthur Miller

Which is probably the reason why I work exclusively in black and white... to highlight that contrast. - Leonard Nimoy

I have far too many skeletons in my closet to think about any sort of serious mention of public office. - David Cone

It is our art that has an opportunity to leave a footprint in the sand. They don't wrap fish in our work. - Hugh N Jacobsen

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbara Streisand

I thank the Lord I no longer have to go to work. I just get out of bed in the morning, and there it is - all around me. - Unknown

The Brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost

In Mexico, an air-conditioner is called a "politician" because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well. - Len Deighton

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I do not love to work out, but if I stick to exercising every day and put the right things in my mouth, then my diabetes just stays in check. - Halle Berry

The important thing is to strive towards a goal which is not immediately visible. That goal is not the concern of the mind, but of the spirit. - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Lincolnshire is the Idaho of England. You were either going to drive a tractor for the rest of your life or head for the city to work in a factory. - Bernie Taupin

Ego stops you from getting things done and getting people to work with you. That's why I firmly believe that ego and success are not compatible. - Harvey Mackay

Fraud in business is no different from infidelity in marriage or plagiarism in scholarly work. Even people committed to high moral standards succumb. - Miroslav Volf


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08-Dec-2019