Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
I eat less, stretch, and work out. - Ted Danson

Streaker: Someone who is unsuited for work - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Irony regards every simple truth as a challenge. - Mason Cooley

Goals by the yard are hard. Goals by the inch a cinch. - Unknown

I know love at first sight can work. It happened to my parents. - George Clooney

When you play, play hard; when you work, don't play at all. - Theodore Roosevelt

Exhibit pride in your work and humility in your accomplishments. - Unknown

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. - Benjamin Franklin

Most people want to improve themselves, but not many want to work at it. - Unknown

Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives. - Viktor Frankl

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius

There is no place where success comes before work, except in the dictionary. - Donald Kimball

There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation. - Unknown

One of my goals in life is to have the biggest residential pool on the planet. - Drake

Work as if you were to live a hundred years. Pray as if you were to die tomorrow. - Benjamin Franklin

Do not hire a man who does your work for money, but him who does it for love of it. - Henry David Thoreau

Farmers don't just work til the sun goes down; they work til the job gets done. - Unknown

Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work. - Rita Mae Brown

To turn $100 into $110 is work. To turn $100 million into $110 million is inevitable. - Edgar Bronfman

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always find me and brings me back. - Joe-kster

I had the most boring office job in the world - I used to clean the windows on envelopes. - Rita Rudner

Strength of character may be learned at work, but beauty of character is learned at home. - Henry Drummond

Fears work into the mind like maggots in a corpse; they fester and boil and work to no good. - David C. Smith & Richard L. Tierney

Never work just for money or power. They won't save your soul or help you sleep at night. - Marian Wright Edelman

Do your work with your whole heart, and you will succeed - there's so little competition. - Elbert Hubbard

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost

It's useless to hold a person to anything he says when he's in love, drunk or running for office. - Shirley Maclaine

When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work. - George Bernard Shaw

Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. - Satchel Paige

The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score. - Bill Copeland

The challenge of work-life balance is without question one of the most significant struggles faced by modern man. - Stephen Covey

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it because when they fired me, I had to show up at work anyway. - Wally Wang

People who work crossword puzzles know that if they stop making progress, they should put the puzzle down for a while. - Marilyn vos Savant

The more work you put in on your outline and getting the skeleton of your story right, the easier the process is later. - Drew Goddard

The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth. - Unknown

When you're following your energy and doing what you want all the time, the distinction between work and play dissolves. - Shakti Gawain

Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell? - Homer Simpson

The worst thing about work in the house or home is that whatever you do it is destroyed, laid waste or eaten within twenty-four hours. - Lady Hasluck

Worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes. - P.J. O'Rourke


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16-Jun-2021