Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
Work is much more fun than fun. - Noel Coward

Every noble work is at first impossible. - Thomas Carlyle

Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds. - Gordon Hinckley

My only career goal is to be a Halloween icon. - Nuno Roque

Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day. - Polish Proverb

Self-government won't work without self-discipline. - Paul Harvey

Get in touch with your passion and put it to work at work. - Marilyn Suttle

I believe in forgiveness; I believe in trying to work with people. - John Lewis

One way to keep momentum going is to have constantly greater goals. - Michael Korda

Continue to learn and challenge yourself. The hard work will pay off. - Unknown

The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play. - Arnold J Toynbee

It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. - Calvin Coolidge

You cannot be really first-rate at your work if your work is all you are. - Anna Quindlen

Give it your all. Whatever work you do, do it to the best of your ability. - Jerry Dorsman

If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things. - Albert Einstein

The biggest challenge is how to affect public attitudes and make people care. - Jim Fowler

Do something. If it doesn't work, do something else. No idea is too crazy. - Jim Hightower

In our progress towards the goal, we ever see more and more enchanting scenery. - Mahatma Gandhi

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? - Ronald Reagan

Forget all the reasons it won't work and believe the one reason that it will. - Unknown

I believe in moderation. I work on genealogy only on days that end in 'y'. - Richard Thiesen

I measure my own success as a leader by how well the people who work for me succeed. - Maria Shi

A work of art that contains theories is like an object on which the price tag has been left. - Alexander Pope

Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal. - Pamela Vaull Starr

Copy nature and you infringe on the work of our Lord. Interpret nature and you are an artist. - Jacques Lipchitz

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not professional anymore. - Jeff Foxworthy

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love, to work, to play and to look up at the stars. - Henry van Dyke

My job is not to make decisions but to set stretch objectives and help our managers work out how to reach them. - Sergio Marchionne

Love is hard work. It is the hardest work I know of, work from which you are never entitled to take a vacation. - Ravi Zacharias

Play is a vital learning medium for a child. In a sense play is his work. And he discovers knowledge for himself. - Raymond Moore

What's a good investment? Go home from work early and spend the afternoon throwing a ball around with your son. - Ben Stein

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. - George Carlin

The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are right. - Mark Twain

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Integrate what you believe in every single area of your life. Take your heart to work and ask the most and best of everybody else too. - Meryl Streep

I had very good dentures once. Some magnificent gold work. It's the only form of jewelry a man can wear that women fully appreciate. - Graham Greene

Worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes. - P.J. O'Rourke

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return. - Maya Angelou

I love working for myself from home. I get along with everyone in the office; I can show up in pajamas, and I always win Employee of the Month. - Missy Miwac


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28-Oct-2020