Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
Work to ride and ride to work. - Unknown

An honest man's the noblest work of God. - Alexander Pope

Be true to your work, your word, and your friend. - Henry David Thoreau

If you're willing to work, others will let you. - Unknown

It's a poor rule that won't work both ways. - Frederick Douglass

I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it. - Mark Twain

Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise. - Ted Turner

I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me. - Unknown

Careful thinking and hard work will solve nearly all your problems. - Ullery

Hydroponic Gardening: Using a plant to convert water into yard work - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison

Work and pray, live on hay, you'll get pie in the sky when you die. - Joe Hill

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working. - Albert Giacometti

To turn $100 into $110 is work. To turn $100 million into $110 million is inevitable. - Edgar Bronfman

No matter how many goals you have achieved, you must set your sights on a higher one. - Jessica Savitch

All of us are guinea pigs in the laboratory of God. Humanity is just a work in progress. - Tennessee Williams

Good management consists in showing average people how to do the work of superior people. - John Rockefeller

Be steady and well-ordered in your life so that you can be fierce and original in your work. - Gustave Flaubert

Do your work with your whole heart, and you will succeed - there's so little competition. - Elbert Hubbard

Transparency, honesty, kindness, good stewardship, even humor, work in businesses at all times. - John Gerzema

You need a plan to build a house. To build a life, it is even more important to have a plan or goal. - Zig Ziglar

Your problem is to bridge the gap which exists between where you are now and the goal you intend to reach. - Earl Nightingale

I will only hire someone to work directly for me if I would work for that person. It's a pretty good test. - Mark Zuckerberg

Love is hard work. It is the hardest work I know of, work from which you are never entitled to take a vacation. - Ravi Zacharias

Work like you don't need the money, dance like no one is watching, and love like you've never been hurt. - Mark Twain

To live only for some future goal is shallow. It's the sides of the mountains that sustain life, not the top. - Robert Pirsig

Setting a goal is not the main thing. It is deciding how you will go about achieving it and staying with that plan. - Tom Landry

The only work that will ultimately bring any good to any of us is the work of contributing to the healing of the world. - Marianne Williamson

There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done. - Ronnie Corbett

Three rules of work: Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. - Albert Einstein

Delegating doesn't mean passing off work you don't enjoy, but letting your employees stretch their skills and judgment. - Harvey Mackay

Greatness is sifted through the grind, therefore don't despise the hard work now, for surely it will be worth it in the end. - Sanjo Jendayi

If I had one wish for my children, it would be that each of them would reach for goals that have meaning for them as individuals. - Lillian Carter

The conventional definition of management is getting work done through people, but real management is developing people through work. - Agha Hasan Abedi

If you want to accomplish something in the world, idealism is not enough - you need to choose a method that works to achieve the goal. - Richard Stallman

When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal. - Napoleon Hill

Each one must learn for himself the highest wisdom. It cannot be taught in words. Men who work cannot dream, and wisdom comes to us in dreams. - Smohalla

Ego stops you from getting things done and getting people to work with you. That's why I firmly believe that ego and success are not compatible. - Harvey Mackay


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28-Jan-2022