Lady’s Yearly Exam
Time for your yearly physical?

I went to the Doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5’ 2”.

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it was very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and slender - now I’m short and fat!”

She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.


QuotaBills
The first wealth is health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think I can wipe out diabetes. - Robert Atkins

Anatomical: Joe-ks about the body - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

A canter is the cure for all evil. - Benjamin Disraeli

Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns

Psychoanalysis is the disease it claims to cure. - Karl Kraus

False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. - Joseph Addison

Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura

Hope is medicine for a soul that's sick and tired. - Eric Swensson

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields

Why is it we never get our bad medicine in small doses? - Edmund H North

A sweating ovary or a sick prostate explains most history. - Martin H. Fischer

He who enjoys good health is rich, though he knows it not. - Italian Proverb

The best cure for unrequited love: get to know them better. - Alain de Botton

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go. - Bill Watterson

If you ignore your health for long enough, it'll go away. - Unknown

Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans

Fond of lawsuits, little wealth; fond of doctors, little health. - Hebrew Proverb

Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell. - Edward Abbey

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills. - Groucho Marx

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett

NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. - Mitch Hedberg

Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart. - Dorothy Parker

Never let success get to your head. Never let failure get to your health. - Unknown

In these times, God's people must trust him for rest of body and soul. - David Wilkerson

Symptoms are the body's mother tongue; signs are in a foreign language. - John Brown

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick - not wounded - dead. - Woody Allen

To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher

I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure! - Unknown

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke

Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure. - Jane Austen

Warm Water Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine. - P G Wodehouse

Diabetes is all about insulin levels and sugar levels and what you put in your body. - Jay Cutler

People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca

We have so many words for states of mind, and so few words for the states of the body. - Jeanne Moreau

When the body of the people is possessed of the supreme power, it is called a democracy. - Charles de Secondat

Life is not over because you have diabetes. Make the most of what you have, be grateful. - Dale Evans

Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health. - Archie Bunker

To cure the British disease with socialism was like trying to cure leukemia with leeches. - Margaret Thatcher

When once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her body. - John Vanbrugh

Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener

My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't think about it, I just have it. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein: it rejects it. - P.B. Medawar

We go by the major vote, and if the majority are insane, the sane must go to the hospital. - Horace Mann

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright

I've just become a pensioner so I've started saving up for my own hospital trolley. - Tom Baker

The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying

My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton

We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves. - Prince Philip

Let your entrance into the sick room decrease, not increase, the irritability of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records. - Unknown

The world was made for the body. The body was made for the soul. And the soul was made for God. - Ravi Zacharias

Tanorexia: An obsessive desire to have tanned skin, placing the sufferer at risk of skin cancer - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha

Tattoos have a power and magic all their own. They decorate the body but they also enhance the soul. - Michelle Delio

Diabetes is a great example whereby, giving the patient the tools, you can manage yourself very well. - Clayton Christensen

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. - Thomas Paine

If you would perfect your body, guard your mind.
If you would renew your body, beautify your mind. - James Allen

I was determined to share my positive approach and not let diabetes stand in the way of enjoying my life. - Paula Deen

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body. - Donald Trump

An angel is a spiritual creature created by God without a body for the service of Christendom and the church. - Leo Rosten

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer

Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman

Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw

The soul is placed in the body like a rough diamond, and must be polished, or the luster of it will never appear. - Daniel Defoe

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. - Mark Twain

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - Orison Swett Marden

Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht

Albert Schweitzer's philosophy is that a sick, miserable African of today can be a strong healthy cannibal tomorrow. - Joe E Lewis

It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler

You can catch health, happiness, and success from others just as easily as you can catch worries, bitterness, and failure. - Dale Carnegie

'Psychotherapy' is a private, confidential conversation that has nothing to do with illness, medicine, or healing. - Thomas Szasz

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body - let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. - Unknown

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright

Getting wrapped up in worries is bad for your body and spirit. That's when you must short out your logic circuits and reboot your heart. - Pokemon

You've heard of people calling in sick. You may have called in sick a few times yourself. But have you ever thought about calling in well? - Tom Robbins

Think while walking, walk while thinking, and let writing be but the light pause, as the body on a walk rests in contemplation of wide open spaces. - Frederic Gros

When you are called to a sick man, be sure you know what the matter is — if you do not know, nature can do a great deal better than you can guess. - Nicholas de Belleville

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler

My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation. - Mark Twain

In other industries, value is defined by the ultimate stakeholder - the one who benefits, or not, from the service. We should do the same in medicine. - Dave deBronkart


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05-Jul-2022