I went to the Doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.
“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5’ 2”.
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it was very high.
“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and slender - now I’m short and fat!”
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
I told you I was sick. - B.P. Roberts
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin
Diabetes is caused by melancholy. - Thomas Willis
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
The human body is the best work of art. - Jess C. Scott
The best medicine is having a good wife. - Kin Hubbard
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
I feel young, but my body doesn't agree. - Bryant Gumbel
There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
Sickness comes on horseback but departs on foot. - Dutch Proverb
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
You can't cure stupid, but you can sedate it. - Unknown
My music isn't just music - it's medicine. - Unknown
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. - Joseph Addison
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. - Plato
Hope is medicine for a soul that's sick and tired. - Eric Swensson
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Steven Wright
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement. - Jess C. Scott
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
A sweating ovary or a sick prostate explains most history. - Martin H. Fischer
Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind. - Thomas Jefferson
You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body. - C S Lewis
I have the body of an 18-year-old. I keep it in the fridge. - Spike Milligan
The best cure for unrequited love: get to know them better. - Alain de Botton
You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go. - Bill Watterson
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid
Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability. - William Osler
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Zeal: A nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. - Ambrose Bierce
Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live. - Jim Rohn
I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills. - Groucho Marx
Of all ills that one endures, hope is a cheap and universal cure. - Abraham Cowley
Stories are memory aids, instruction manuals and moral compasses. - Aleks Krotoski
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield
Medicine is only for those who cannot imagine doing anything else. - Luanda Grazette
There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
I do believe that laughter is the best medicine - it cures everything. - Radhika Apte
Joy is more divine than sorrow, for joy is bread and sorrow is medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
The doctors can cure all sorts of ills, except the shock of doctors' bills. - Unknown
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured. - B.K. Iyengar
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. - Ross MacDonald
The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine. - P G Wodehouse
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
We have so many words for states of mind, and so few words for the states of the body. - Jeanne Moreau
When the body of the people is possessed of the supreme power, it is called a democracy. - Charles de Secondat
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as friendly to the mind as to the body. - Joseph Addison
We go by the major vote, and if the majority are insane, the sane must go to the hospital. - Horace Mann
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
Smart people that like good health spend several hours outdoors daily in the shade of trees. - Steven Magee
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. - Sylvia Plath
Most religious people accept medicine as a gift from God and reap the benefits of both realms. - Caroline Fraser
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
Ignorance is not so damnable as humbug, but when it prescribes pills it may happen to do more harm. - George Eilot
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
I've always been independent. I've always had courage. But I didn't always own my diabetes. - Mary Tyler Moore
If you would perfect your body, guard your mind.
If you would renew your body, beautify your mind. - James Allen
They have gun control in Cuba. They have universal health care in Cuba. So why do they want to come here? - Paul Harvey
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Our memories are card indexes consulted, and then put back in disorder, by authorities whom we do not control. - Cyril Connolly
If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan
Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
Even if you don't have time for a big workout, stretching in the morning and night really changes your body. - Erin Heatherton
When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham
Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. - Mark Twain
A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history. - Mahatma Gandhi
'Tis not always in a physician's power to cure the sick; at times the disease is stronger than trained art. - Ovid
Health is your greatest wealth, so experiencing a marathon and seeing what you're capable of is really special. - Christy Turlington
There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - Orison Swett Marden
I chalk up the fact that I got diabetes to my body saying, 'Dude, you have been doing wrong for way too long!' - Randy Jackson
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. - George Carlin
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
Trying to manage diabetes is hard because if you don't, there are consequences you'll have to deal with later in life. - Bryan Adams
Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
There is a great difference between mind and body insomuch as body is by nature always divisible, and the mind is entirely indivisible. - Rene Descartes
Lost wealth may be replaced by industry; lost knowledge by study; lost health by temperance or medicine; but lost time is gone forever. - Samuel Smiles
I'm building a glass pyramid over the Egyptian escalator where my body will be mummified, so my customers can come and see me forever. - Mohamed Al-Fayed
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Our food pyramid, the kind of diet that is constantly promoted, is completely warped. It's not based around anything to do with healing your body. - Jessica Origliasso
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin
Diabetes is caused by melancholy. - Thomas Willis
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
The human body is the best work of art. - Jess C. Scott
The best medicine is having a good wife. - Kin Hubbard
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
I feel young, but my body doesn't agree. - Bryant Gumbel
There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
Sickness comes on horseback but departs on foot. - Dutch Proverb
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
You can't cure stupid, but you can sedate it. - Unknown
My music isn't just music - it's medicine. - Unknown
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. - Joseph Addison
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. - Plato
Hope is medicine for a soul that's sick and tired. - Eric Swensson
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Steven Wright
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement. - Jess C. Scott
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
A sweating ovary or a sick prostate explains most history. - Martin H. Fischer
Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind. - Thomas Jefferson
You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body. - C S Lewis
I have the body of an 18-year-old. I keep it in the fridge. - Spike Milligan
The best cure for unrequited love: get to know them better. - Alain de Botton
You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go. - Bill Watterson
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
Medicine sometimes snatches away health, sometimes gives it. - Ovid
Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability. - William Osler
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Zeal: A nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. - Ambrose Bierce
Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live. - Jim Rohn
I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills. - Groucho Marx
Of all ills that one endures, hope is a cheap and universal cure. - Abraham Cowley
Stories are memory aids, instruction manuals and moral compasses. - Aleks Krotoski
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield
Medicine is only for those who cannot imagine doing anything else. - Luanda Grazette
There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
I do believe that laughter is the best medicine - it cures everything. - Radhika Apte
Joy is more divine than sorrow, for joy is bread and sorrow is medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
Faith and knowledge lean largely upon each other in the practice of medicine. - Peter Mere Latham
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
The doctors can cure all sorts of ills, except the shock of doctors' bills. - Unknown
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured. - B.K. Iyengar
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. - Ross MacDonald
The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine. - P G Wodehouse
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
We have so many words for states of mind, and so few words for the states of the body. - Jeanne Moreau
When the body of the people is possessed of the supreme power, it is called a democracy. - Charles de Secondat
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as friendly to the mind as to the body. - Joseph Addison
We go by the major vote, and if the majority are insane, the sane must go to the hospital. - Horace Mann
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
Smart people that like good health spend several hours outdoors daily in the shade of trees. - Steven Magee
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. - Sylvia Plath
Most religious people accept medicine as a gift from God and reap the benefits of both realms. - Caroline Fraser
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. - William Menninger
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
Ignorance is not so damnable as humbug, but when it prescribes pills it may happen to do more harm. - George Eilot
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
I've always been independent. I've always had courage. But I didn't always own my diabetes. - Mary Tyler Moore
If you would perfect your body, guard your mind.
If you would renew your body, beautify your mind. - James Allen
They have gun control in Cuba. They have universal health care in Cuba. So why do they want to come here? - Paul Harvey
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Our memories are card indexes consulted, and then put back in disorder, by authorities whom we do not control. - Cyril Connolly
If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. - Ed Sullivan
Recommending gastric bypass as a national solution for our diabetes epidemic is bad medicine and bad economics. - Mark Hyman
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
Even if you don't have time for a big workout, stretching in the morning and night really changes your body. - Erin Heatherton
When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham
Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. - Mark Twain
A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history. - Mahatma Gandhi
'Tis not always in a physician's power to cure the sick; at times the disease is stronger than trained art. - Ovid
Health is your greatest wealth, so experiencing a marathon and seeing what you're capable of is really special. - Christy Turlington
There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - Orison Swett Marden
I chalk up the fact that I got diabetes to my body saying, 'Dude, you have been doing wrong for way too long!' - Randy Jackson
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. - George Carlin
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
Trying to manage diabetes is hard because if you don't, there are consequences you'll have to deal with later in life. - Bryan Adams
Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. - Helen Keller
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
There is a great difference between mind and body insomuch as body is by nature always divisible, and the mind is entirely indivisible. - Rene Descartes
Lost wealth may be replaced by industry; lost knowledge by study; lost health by temperance or medicine; but lost time is gone forever. - Samuel Smiles
I'm building a glass pyramid over the Egyptian escalator where my body will be mummified, so my customers can come and see me forever. - Mohamed Al-Fayed
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Our food pyramid, the kind of diet that is constantly promoted, is completely warped. It's not based around anything to do with healing your body. - Jessica Origliasso
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