I went to the Doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.
“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5’ 2”.
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it was very high.
“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and slender - now I’m short and fat!”
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
Flew: Plane sickness. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Grief is itself a medicine. - William Cowper
Gangrene: To be feeling sick - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The cure for grief is motion. - Elbert Hubbard
I think I can wipe out diabetes. - Robert Atkins
Boredom is a sickness of the soul. - Unknown
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
A canter is the cure for all evil. - Benjamin Disraeli
Diabetes is a lousy, lousy disease. - Elaine Stritch
Society is a hospital of incurables. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I could eat my body weight in sushi. - Mikey Way
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
I speak two languages, English and Body. - Mae West
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
I've tried body surfing. It's nice. - Ziggy Marley
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns
Sickness comes on horseback but departs on foot. - Dutch Proverb
I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying - dead. - Oscar Wilde
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. - Hippocrates
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. - Joseph Addison
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - WC Fields
Dancing: The Highest Intelligence in the Freest Body. - Isadora Duncan
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan
There is no physician who can cure the disease of love. - African Proverb
There is no cure for death, save to enjoy the interval. - George Santayana
Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body. - Seneca
Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind. - Thomas Jefferson
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
If you ignore your health for long enough, it'll go away. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
Fond of lawsuits, little wealth; fond of doctors, little health. - Hebrew Proverb
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Markus Herz
Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live. - Jim Rohn
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett
Joy is more divine than sorrow, for joy is bread and sorrow is medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
The body is your temple. Keep it pure and clean for the soul to reside in. - B.K. Iyengar
In these times, God's people must trust him for rest of body and soul. - David Wilkerson
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett
Lake: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure! - Unknown
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
My favorite thing about the human body is that we're all basically doughnuts. - Tyler Oakley
Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. - Jonathan Blake
Diabetes is all about insulin levels and sugar levels and what you put in your body. - Jay Cutler
Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime. - Scott Adams
Seafood is one of the easiest things to digest - a bratwurst is really hard on the body. - Joey Chestnut
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
To cure the British disease with socialism was like trying to cure leukemia with leeches. - Margaret Thatcher
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen
Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul. - Oscar Wilde
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. - Sylvia Plath
Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records. - Unknown
The world was made for the body. The body was made for the soul. And the soul was made for God. - Ravi Zacharias
Tanorexia: An obsessive desire to have tanned skin, placing the sufferer at risk of skin cancer - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall
A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work. - Geoffrey Norman
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. - Thomas Paine
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
I blinked and I cured my brain. That's how. Everybody has the power. Can't is the cancer of happen. - Charlie Sheen
Going without food or water will kill the body, but the lack of relationship will kill the minds and spirit. - David Jeremiah
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Most ballet teachers in the United States are terrible. If they were in medicine, everyone would be poisoned. - George Balanchine
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
Even if you don't have time for a big workout, stretching in the morning and night really changes your body. - Erin Heatherton
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham
There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - Orison Swett Marden
It's a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. - Dave Barry
Albert Schweitzer's philosophy is that a sick, miserable African of today can be a strong healthy cannibal tomorrow. - Joe E Lewis
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
There's a belonging problem in Hollywood. Who dictates who belongs? The very body who dictates that looks all one way. - Ava DuVernay
'Psychotherapy' is a private, confidential conversation that has nothing to do with illness, medicine, or healing. - Thomas Szasz
Pride: 1. A disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it; 2. Pride is what we have - vanity is what others have. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain
Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
There is a great difference between mind and body insomuch as body is by nature always divisible, and the mind is entirely indivisible. - Rene Descartes
Lost wealth may be replaced by industry; lost knowledge by study; lost health by temperance or medicine; but lost time is gone forever. - Samuel Smiles
When enough people care about autism or diabetes or global warming, it helps everyone, even if only a tiny fraction actively participate. - Seth Godin
I'm building a glass pyramid over the Egyptian escalator where my body will be mummified, so my customers can come and see me forever. - Mohamed Al-Fayed
If I could store lightnings in jars, I'd sell them to sick fireflies to light their way. Only they have nothing to pay for it with but life. - Will Advise
When you are called to a sick man, be sure you know what the matter is — if you do not know, nature can do a great deal better than you can guess. - Nicholas de Belleville
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
Behind my smile is a broken heart; behind my laugh I'm falling apart; behind my eyes are tears at night; behind my body is a soul trying to fight. - Unknown
Grief is itself a medicine. - William Cowper
Gangrene: To be feeling sick - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The cure for grief is motion. - Elbert Hubbard
I think I can wipe out diabetes. - Robert Atkins
Boredom is a sickness of the soul. - Unknown
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
A canter is the cure for all evil. - Benjamin Disraeli
Diabetes is a lousy, lousy disease. - Elaine Stritch
Society is a hospital of incurables. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I could eat my body weight in sushi. - Mikey Way
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
I speak two languages, English and Body. - Mae West
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
I've tried body surfing. It's nice. - Ziggy Marley
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns
Sickness comes on horseback but departs on foot. - Dutch Proverb
I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying - dead. - Oscar Wilde
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. - Hippocrates
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. - Joseph Addison
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - WC Fields
Dancing: The Highest Intelligence in the Freest Body. - Isadora Duncan
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan
There is no physician who can cure the disease of love. - African Proverb
There is no cure for death, save to enjoy the interval. - George Santayana
Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body. - Seneca
Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind. - Thomas Jefferson
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
If you ignore your health for long enough, it'll go away. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
Fond of lawsuits, little wealth; fond of doctors, little health. - Hebrew Proverb
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Markus Herz
Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live. - Jim Rohn
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett
Joy is more divine than sorrow, for joy is bread and sorrow is medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
The body is your temple. Keep it pure and clean for the soul to reside in. - B.K. Iyengar
In these times, God's people must trust him for rest of body and soul. - David Wilkerson
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
One of the major goals of health insurance reform is to bring down the cost. - Valerie Jarrett
Lake: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure! - Unknown
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
My favorite thing about the human body is that we're all basically doughnuts. - Tyler Oakley
Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. - Jonathan Blake
Diabetes is all about insulin levels and sugar levels and what you put in your body. - Jay Cutler
Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime. - Scott Adams
Seafood is one of the easiest things to digest - a bratwurst is really hard on the body. - Joey Chestnut
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
To cure the British disease with socialism was like trying to cure leukemia with leeches. - Margaret Thatcher
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen
Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul. - Oscar Wilde
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. - Sylvia Plath
Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records. - Unknown
The world was made for the body. The body was made for the soul. And the soul was made for God. - Ravi Zacharias
Tanorexia: An obsessive desire to have tanned skin, placing the sufferer at risk of skin cancer - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall
A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work. - Geoffrey Norman
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. - Thomas Paine
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
I blinked and I cured my brain. That's how. Everybody has the power. Can't is the cancer of happen. - Charlie Sheen
Going without food or water will kill the body, but the lack of relationship will kill the minds and spirit. - David Jeremiah
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Most ballet teachers in the United States are terrible. If they were in medicine, everyone would be poisoned. - George Balanchine
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
Even if you don't have time for a big workout, stretching in the morning and night really changes your body. - Erin Heatherton
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham
There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - Orison Swett Marden
It's a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. - Dave Barry
Albert Schweitzer's philosophy is that a sick, miserable African of today can be a strong healthy cannibal tomorrow. - Joe E Lewis
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
There's a belonging problem in Hollywood. Who dictates who belongs? The very body who dictates that looks all one way. - Ava DuVernay
'Psychotherapy' is a private, confidential conversation that has nothing to do with illness, medicine, or healing. - Thomas Szasz
Pride: 1. A disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it; 2. Pride is what we have - vanity is what others have. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain
Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
There is a great difference between mind and body insomuch as body is by nature always divisible, and the mind is entirely indivisible. - Rene Descartes
Lost wealth may be replaced by industry; lost knowledge by study; lost health by temperance or medicine; but lost time is gone forever. - Samuel Smiles
When enough people care about autism or diabetes or global warming, it helps everyone, even if only a tiny fraction actively participate. - Seth Godin
I'm building a glass pyramid over the Egyptian escalator where my body will be mummified, so my customers can come and see me forever. - Mohamed Al-Fayed
If I could store lightnings in jars, I'd sell them to sick fireflies to light their way. Only they have nothing to pay for it with but life. - Will Advise
When you are called to a sick man, be sure you know what the matter is — if you do not know, nature can do a great deal better than you can guess. - Nicholas de Belleville
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
Behind my smile is a broken heart; behind my laugh I'm falling apart; behind my eyes are tears at night; behind my body is a soul trying to fight. - Unknown
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