Help Support an NHL Player During His Time Of Need

Since September, 2012, Americans and Canadians have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow disease, SARS, Avian flu, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Professional Hockey players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren’t bad enough, they could be deprived of their life-giving pay for several months - possibly longer - as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NHL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it’s a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a hockey player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month’s rent, half a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a hockey player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING?
Your NHL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a locked out NHL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Forward [ ] Defenseman [ ] Goaltender [ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $20 per minute)
[ ] Sidney Crosby (Higher cost: $63,000 per day)
Please charge the account listed below $894.50 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Sidney Crosby 2012 Income Statement and my very own Donald Fehr (Executive Director of the NHLPA player’s Union) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $120 for hat).

Your Name: ___________
Telephone Number: ___________
Account Number: _______
Expiry Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _______
Expiry Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
Signature: _______________________

QuotaBills
Canada is hockey. - Mike Weir

Hockey's my favorite sport. - Denis Leary

Support the right to arm bears. - Unknown

Every day is a great day for hockey. - Mario Lemieux

Outdoor hockey is what it is all about. - Paul Coffey

Hockey is figure skating in a war zone. - Unknown

People on the streets are ready for hockey. - Eric Lindros

Some guys play hockey. Gretzky plays 40-mph chess. - Lowell Cohn

National Sarcasm Society. Like we need your support! - Unknown

Stop crime at its source - support planned parenthood. - Robert Byrne

I want men who will support me when I am in the wrong. - Lord Melbourne

Figure skaters have awful perceptions of hockey players. - Kristi Yamaguchi

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. - Steven Wright

All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity. - Gordie Howe

Hockey seems completely lawless and, therefore, inexplicably sexy. - Rachel Nichols

My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton

People know me from a hockey game, from an earthquake, from the O.J case. - Al Michaels

When you think of hockey, when you think of Canada, you think of Wayne Gretzky. - Joe Sakic

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

I love extreme sports, I like snowboarding and motorcross and rollerblading and hockey. - Jeremy London

I never looked at hockey as work. Now that I'd finished playing, I had to go to work. - Bobby Orr

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. - Michael Sinz

Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records. - Unknown

The everyday kindness of the back roads more than makes up for the acts of greed in the headlines. - Charles Kuralt

Field hockey is my strongest sport, and if I lose a game, I take a long, hot bath and moan about it. - Emma Watson

We can make fun of hockey fans, but someone who enjoys Homer is indulging the same kind of vicarious bloodlust. - Steven Pinker

I love those hockey moms. You know what they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is? Lipstick. - Sarah Palin

Tariff: A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. - Ambrose Bierce

I have a huge interest in hockey because I grew up in Canada, where it's kind of the law that you love hockey. - Matthew Perry

If I do decide to do this, which I very well might, Jesse's support would be very important to me, in many ways. - Donald Trump

Everybody shares one universal problem. To succeed you have to persuade others to support your vision, dream or cause. - Peter Guber

The possibility that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just. - Abraham Lincoln

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. - Tiger Woods

Hockey on roller skates is like MMA in a bounce house: the elements are there, but the medium makes the whole thing ridiculous. - David Walton

If you're skinny and you can't play hockey in Canada, you aren't left with a lot of options. I was left with running. - Malcolm Gladwell

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up. - Jay Leno

NEED now means wanting someone else's money. GREED means wanting to keep your own. COMPASSION is when a politician arranges the transfer. - Joseph Sobran

If I'm ever stuck on a respirator or a life support system, I definitely want to be unplugged, but not until I'm down to a size eight. - Henriette Mantel

When I walk down the street in New York, the building constructor, the guy pounding cement and what not, will yell, "Hey, you hockey puck!" - Don Rickles

What's my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait - I'm describing my bed again. - Bill Murray

see also Finance, Hockey & Stress Sections
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30-May-2020