Help Support an NHL Player During His Time Of Need

Since September, 2012, Americans and Canadians have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow disease, SARS, Avian flu, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Professional Hockey players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren’t bad enough, they could be deprived of their life-giving pay for several months - possibly longer - as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NHL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it’s a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a hockey player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month’s rent, half a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a hockey player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING?
Your NHL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a locked out NHL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Forward [ ] Defenseman [ ] Goaltender [ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $20 per minute)
[ ] Sidney Crosby (Higher cost: $63,000 per day)
Please charge the account listed below $894.50 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Sidney Crosby 2012 Income Statement and my very own Donald Fehr (Executive Director of the NHLPA player’s Union) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $120 for hat).

Your Name: ___________
Telephone Number: ___________
Account Number: _______
Expiry Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _______
Expiry Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
Signature: _______________________

QuotaBills
Canada is hockey. - Mike Weir

Hockey is a tough game. - Bobby Orr

Outdoor hockey is what it is all about. - Paul Coffey

To succeed in hockey, you need teamwork. - Henry Samueli

I support recycling. I wore this yesterday. - Unknown

National Sarcasm Society. Like we need your support! - Unknown

I want men who will support me when I am in the wrong. - Lord Melbourne

Glamour is on a life-support machine and not expected to live. - Joan Collins

Ninety percent of hockey is mental and the other half is physical. - Wayne Gretzky

All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity. - Gordie Howe

Hockey seems completely lawless and, therefore, inexplicably sexy. - Rachel Nichols

For me, baseball is more comparable to chess than it is to hockey. - Jeff Garlin

My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton

People know me from a hockey game, from an earthquake, from the O.J case. - Al Michaels

When you think of hockey, when you think of Canada, you think of Wayne Gretzky. - Joe Sakic

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

I still have my teeth. I don't want to lose them at age 61 in some hockey game. - Jim Flaherty

I love extreme sports, I like snowboarding and motorcross and rollerblading and hockey. - Jeremy London

I'm not a hockey fan, which is probably why I had to leave Canada in the first place. - Ryan Reynolds

Our team lives hockey, it dreams hockey, it eats hockey. Now if it could only play hockey. - Milton Berle

Canadian hockey fans... They boo me every time I go anywhere. Because I play for Team USA. - Brett Hull

I like ice hockey. No one is ever going to ask me to write about that as a metaphor for life. - Steven Pinker

Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records. - Unknown

We deceive ourselves when we fancy that only weakness needs support. Strength needs it far more. - Anne-Sophie Swetchine

Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts… for support rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang

I think the thing you always got to keep in mind, you know, hockey is a game of one-on-one battles. - Mark Messier

You do not play hockey for good seasons. You play to win the Stanley Cup. It has to be the objective. - Guy Lafleur

Ex-Presidents of the United States get state subsidies. Not so in Russia. You get no government support. - Mikhail Gorbachev

We can make fun of hockey fans, but someone who enjoys Homer is indulging the same kind of vicarious bloodlust. - Steven Pinker

Tariff: A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. - Ambrose Bierce

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this. - Bertrand Russell

The possibility that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just. - Abraham Lincoln

I went to a Catholic boys' school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me. - Keanu Reeves

Hockey on roller skates is like MMA in a bounce house: the elements are there, but the medium makes the whole thing ridiculous. - David Walton

If you're skinny and you can't play hockey in Canada, you aren't left with a lot of options. I was left with running. - Malcolm Gladwell

The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career. - C S Lewis

When it comes to hockey, it's been in my blood since I was 3 or 4 years old. I love coaching the kids, especially at that level. - Mario Lemieux

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up. - Jay Leno

I found my prince - he's a hockey player and we met at an NHL event, the last place I'd ever expect to meet someone, but there he was. - Carol Alt

What's my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait - I'm describing my bed again. - Bill Murray

see also Finance, Hockey & Stress Sections
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29-May-2020