Help Support an NHL Player During His Time Of Need

Since September, 2012, Americans and Canadians have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow disease, SARS, Avian flu, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Professional Hockey players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren’t bad enough, they could be deprived of their life-giving pay for several months - possibly longer - as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NHL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it’s a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a hockey player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month’s rent, half a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a hockey player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING?
Your NHL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a locked out NHL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Forward [ ] Defenseman [ ] Goaltender [ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $20 per minute)
[ ] Sidney Crosby (Higher cost: $63,000 per day)
Please charge the account listed below $894.50 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Sidney Crosby 2012 Income Statement and my very own Donald Fehr (Executive Director of the NHLPA player’s Union) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $120 for hat).

Your Name: ___________
Telephone Number: ___________
Account Number: _______
Expiry Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _______
Expiry Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
Signature: _______________________

QuotaBills
Support the right to arm bears. - Unknown

Pro Bozo Publico: Support your local clown - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I support recycling. I wore this yesterday. - Unknown

National Sarcasm Society. Like we need your support! - Unknown

Envy and greed starve on a healthy diet of thanksgiving. - Billy Graham

Conflict Of Interest: A dental school with a hockey team - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Some call it Cocktail Hour. To me, it's a support group. - Unknown

Glamour is on a life-support machine and not expected to live. - Joan Collins

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield

Ninety percent of hockey is mental and the other half is physical. - Wayne Gretzky

All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity. - Gordie Howe

Hockey seems completely lawless and, therefore, inexplicably sexy. - Rachel Nichols

My wife likes the hockey smell because it's the smell of a warrior. - David Walton

I love hockey because of the respect for history and for the game itself. - George Vecsey

Sometimes it just feels like the only thing you do is play hockey and eat. - Henrik Lundqvist

My goal was to play in the NHL, because that is the best hockey in the world. - Jaromir Jagr

You can't play hockey with a bald spot, so I'm hanging up the skates. - Joe Sakic

Hockey: 1. Mayhem on ice; 2. A form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

I never looked at hockey as work. Now that I'd finished playing, I had to go to work. - Bobby Orr

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. - Michael Sinz

I like ice hockey. No one is ever going to ask me to write about that as a metaphor for life. - Steven Pinker

Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts… for support rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang

Field hockey is my strongest sport, and if I lose a game, I take a long, hot bath and moan about it. - Emma Watson

You do not play hockey for good seasons. You play to win the Stanley Cup. It has to be the objective. - Guy Lafleur

Ex-Presidents of the United States get state subsidies. Not so in Russia. You get no government support. - Mikhail Gorbachev

We can make fun of hockey fans, but someone who enjoys Homer is indulging the same kind of vicarious bloodlust. - Steven Pinker

I played basketball in high school, and I love watching sports - I'll watch everything except maybe hockey. - Andy Roddick

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people. - Garrison Keillor

If I do decide to do this, which I very well might, Jesse's support would be very important to me, in many ways. - Donald Trump

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this. - Bertrand Russell

The possibility that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just. - Abraham Lincoln

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. - Jerry Seinfeld

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. - Tiger Woods

If you're skinny and you can't play hockey in Canada, you aren't left with a lot of options. I was left with running. - Malcolm Gladwell

The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career. - C S Lewis

Puck: 1. A hard rubber disc that hockey players strike when they can't hit one another; 2. Last week's left-over biscuit. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up. - Jay Leno

If I'm ever stuck on a respirator or a life support system, I definitely want to be unplugged, but not until I'm down to a size eight. - Henriette Mantel

Playoff hockey is the best way to market your team. It's the best way to grow your fan base and give hope to your players and for them to develop. - Steve Yzerman

What's my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait - I'm describing my bed again. - Bill Murray

see also Finance, Hockey & Stress Sections
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29-Jun-2022