Walmart’s Redneck Wine

Discount shopping to whine about

Soon Wal-Mart customers will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price - in the $1-4 range.

While wine experts may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a growing demand for cheap wine from Redneck conno-sewers, according to Bubba Borkoff, professor of marketing at Kentucky University. He said, “The right name is important.”

Here are the top 35 suggested names for Wal-Mart’s Redneck Vintage (2004) wine...

35. Box O’ Grapes
34. Grapes O’ Rath
33. Bubba’s Wiser
32. Houndog Hooch
31. Jethroze Jugs
30. Charred An Eh du Jour (Canadian Newfie’s favourite, eh!)
29. Sew Vinney Blank
28. Trailer Trash Coonies (looks just like yer pets - comes cheaper by the bag)
27. Whine and Dine
26. Sparkling Whine
25. Whine Racks (recipe from the Middle Ages)
24. Bubba Sangria (B.S. for short)
23. Sam Pain (hi-end, Bubba-ly stuff)
22. Bored Eau Wine (made with almost-real water!)
21. Nap’ A Valley Whine (ya’ll sleep real good after a jug o’ this stuff!)
20. Son O’ Ma Country (made close to that Nap’ A Valley place)
19. Saw Vinno Blanks (shooters for up-country folks)
18. Semi Lon (for those who only want half a keg)
17. Licker’s Quicker
16. Front n’ Back (pours the same from the top or the bottom)
15. Chateau Traileur Parc (some jugs sold as Chateau Traileur Doublewide)
14. White Trashfindel
13. Big Red Gulp
12. Grape Expectations
11. Domaine Wal-Mart “Merde du Pays”
10. NASCARbernet
9. Chillin William
8. Chef Boyardeaux
7. Peanut Noir
6. Blue Light Special Nun
5. Chateau des Moines
4. Martha Stewart’s Sour Grapes
3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (possum) and red meat (squirrel). Who says they don’t know wine in Arkansas?

Wine is bottled poetry. - Robert Louis Stevenson

In wine, there is truth. - Pliny the Elder

Good wine needs no vine. - French Proverb

I like a wine that fights back. - John Steed

Wine is my favorite 4 letter word. - Unknown

Wine and children speak the truth. - Greek Proverb

When the wine is in, the wit is out. - English Proverb

Cranberries: Grapes with hypertension - Daffynitions

When wine goes in strange things come out. - Friedrich Schiller

Every cask smells of the wine it contains. - Spanish Proverb

We only serve fine wine. Did you bring any? - Unknown

The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes. - William Shakespeare

I'm Hybrid. I run on chocolate and wine. - Unknown

Compromises are for relationships, not wine. - Robert S Caywood

Wine is the flower in the buttonhole of life. - Werumeus Buning

Wine is the most civilized thing in the world. - Ernest Hemingway

Talking to you is like casting pearls into wine. - Archie Bunker

Music is the wine that fills the cup of silence. - Robert Fripp

If God forbade drinking, would He have made wine so good? - Cardinal Richelieu

I'm aging like fine wine. I'm getting complex and fruity. - Unknown

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. - Benjamin Franklin

We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine. - Eduardo Galeano

Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. - Pope John XXIII

A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world. - Louis Pasteur

If one glass of wine is good for you, just imagine what a whole bottle could do! - Unknown

Some wines improve with age, but only if the grapes were good in the first place. - Abigail Van Buren

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. - Samuel Johnson

My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, for the love of God women, eat a salad. - Unknown

Measure thy life by loss instead of gain, not by the wine drunk, but the wine poured forth. - Harriet King

I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved. - Rose Kennedy

Wine makes a man more pleased with himself. I do not say it makes him more pleasing to others. - Samuel Johnson

Just as Jesus created wine from water, we humans are capable of transmuting emotion into music. - Carlos Santana

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. - Fran Lebowitz

Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine. - Joan Collins

If you have to choose between drinking wine every day or being skinny, which would you choose: Red or White? - Unknown

The vine bears three kinds of grapes: the first of pleasure, the second of intoxication, the third of disgust. - Diogenes

The Bible's full of wine. God ain't got nothing against a little drink to celebrate His Son's birthday with. - Archie Bunker

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine; something Brussels Sprouts never do. - P.J. O'Rourke

Morals are not, like bacon, to be cured by hanging; nor, like wine, to be improved by sea voyages; nor, like honey, to be preserved in cells. - William Taylor

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth. - Jim Harrison

see also   Beer & Wine,  Redneck  &  Shopping  Sections
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Redneck Wine Glass
Texas Wine Glass
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