I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
My Dad is Irish and my Mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our
family holidays in Customs.
My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never
smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were
given pointed sticks?
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She’ll go, “What’s my favourite flower?” And you
murmur to yourself: “Shoot, I wasn’t listening… Self-raising?”
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face.
I saw that show, “50 Things To Do Before You Die”. I would have thought the
obvious one was “Shout For Help”.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and
a loser at the same time.
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please”.
The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the
The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber.”
Steven Alan Green
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud, “I’ve already got
It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I’m not very good
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on
to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.
Mother Wrench's Gripping Story
Scuba Diving Sucks
Louisiana Turtle Dogs
Music Note Chairlift
Buddha Is Watching You
Antler Switch Plate
Barking Up The Wrong Tree