Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the Doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the Doctors in the plan. These Doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining Doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my Doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Caring is the essence of nursing. - Jean Watson
Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet
Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny
Care shouldn't start in the emergency room. - James Douglas
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
Whether a person is a male or female, a nurse is a nurse. - Gary Veale
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
About half my time is spent on business operation type stuff. - Mark Zuckerberg
A nurse will always give us hope, an angel with a stethoscope. - Terri Guillemets
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for. - James H. Boren
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
My husband is so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for him in the emergency room. - Unknown
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
We cannot embrace God's forgiveness if we are so busy clinging to past wounds and nursing old grudges. - T D Jakes
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. - Dennis Miller
The best way to meet a woman is in an emergency situation - if you're in a shipwreck, or you find yourself behind enemy lines, or in a flood. - Mark Helprin
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