Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the Doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the Doctors in the plan. These Doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining Doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my Doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Society is a hospital of incurables. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
A young doctor makes a humpy graveyard. - English Proverb
An operation of the most extreme daring. - Alfred Jodl
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
The way a doctor writes out a subscription. - Archie Bunker
Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny
Care shouldn't start in the emergency room. - James Douglas
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
The No. 1 cause of bankruptcies is medical bills. - Michael Moore
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
About half my time is spent on business operation type stuff. - Mark Zuckerberg
Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. - Ambrose Bierce
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic. - Joanna Lumley
Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. - Natalie Goldberg
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
I have had my television aerials removed. It is the moral equivalent of a prostate operation. - Malcolm Muggeridge
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. - Ronald Reagan
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular. - Jay Leno
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic. - Bill Maher
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
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