Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the Doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the Doctors in the plan. These Doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining Doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my Doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
A young doctor means a new graveyard. - German Proverb
Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny
Care shouldn't start in the emergency room. - James Douglas
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
A nurse will always give us hope, an angel with a stethoscope. - Terri Guillemets
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic. - Joanna Lumley
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for. - James H. Boren
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
We go by the major vote, and if the majority are insane, the sane must go to the hospital. - Horace Mann
I've just become a pensioner so I've started saving up for my own hospital trolley. - Tom Baker
I have had my television aerials removed. It is the moral equivalent of a prostate operation. - Malcolm Muggeridge
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
When I was born the Doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
Faith is a fine invention
When Gentlemen can see -
But Microscopes are prudent
In an Emergency. - Emily Dickinson
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
My Doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab. - Rodney Dangerfield
There are three subjects on which the knowledge of the medical profession in general is woefully weak; they are manners, morals, and medicine. - Gerald F Lieberman
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. - Dennis Miller
The best way to meet a woman is in an emergency situation - if you're in a shipwreck, or you find yourself behind enemy lines, or in a flood. - Mark Helprin
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