Do You Have An HMO?

Explaining American health care plans


Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the Doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the Doctors in the plan. These Doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining Doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my Doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.


QuotaBills
Maternity Hospital: An heirport - Daffynitions joe-ks.com

Caring is the essence of nursing. - Jean Watson

The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin

Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny

The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker

Nursing would be a dream job if there were no doctors. - Gerhard Kocher

A half doctor near is better than a whole one far away. - German Proverb

No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb

Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown

A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. - Ronnie Shakes

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller

Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. - Natalie Goldberg

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield

The best way to reduce the cost of medical care is to reduce the illness. - Arlen Specter

A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. - Unknown

The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer

We cannot embrace God's forgiveness if we are so busy clinging to past wounds and nursing old grudges. - T D Jakes

We cannot embrace God's forgiveness if we are so busy clinging to past wounds and nursing old grudges. - T D Jakes

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. - Abe Lemons

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer

Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. - Ronald Reagan

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope

It is astonishing with how little reading a doctor can practice medicine, but is not astonishing how badly he may do it. - William Osler

Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer

It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw

I see God in every human being. When I wash the leper's wounds, I feel I am nursing the Lord himself. Is it not a beautiful experience? - Mother Teresa

Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic. - Bill Maher


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05-Jun-2020