Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the Doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the Doctors in the plan. These Doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining Doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my Doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Clinic: House of pill repute. - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Maternity Hospital: An heirport - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
Care shouldn't start in the emergency room. - James Douglas
The doctor is to be feared more than the disease. - French Proverb
My doctor tells me I got a communications disease. - Archie Bunker
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. - Henny Youngman
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. - Ambrose Bierce
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett
Operation: A surgical job taking minutes to do and years to describe - Daffynitions joe-ks.com
Save one life, you're a hero. Save 100 lives, you're a nurse. - Unknown
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. - Rodney Dangerfield
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. - Graham Norton
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for. - James H. Boren
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold
You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. - Unknown
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
My husband is so good at home repairs that they have a special VIP area for him in the emergency room. - Unknown
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. - Ronald Reagan
The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler
I'm planning to adopt a dog soon. It wasn't my first choice but my Doctor told me I can't have any biologically. - Bill Murray
Once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, and a preacher... but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer. - Brenda Schaepp
Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic. - Bill Maher
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