Confucius Says ...

Wisdom of old from Chinese prophets

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
A flower goes through much dirt before it blooms.
A girl’s best asset is her lieability.
A lion will not betray his wife. But a Tiger Wood.

Baby conceived in back seat of automatic car grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Baseball wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

Carry a rabbit in a storm and the wind’ll blow the hare in your face.
Cross the river, then insult the crocodiles.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Diet: food that make other people lose weight.
Do not drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don’t sweat petty stuff, and don’t pet sweaty stuff.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Fast shutter lead to dog house.
Find blind man on nude beach, not hard.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Forbidden fruits make many jams.
Forget injuries; never forget kindness.

Getting up on wrong side of bed lead to down fall.
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
Girl who rides bicycle peddles ass all over town.
Girl who sit on lap of jockey get hot tip.
Girl who sit on lap of judge get honourable discharge.

He who cannot describe the problem will never find the solution to that problem.
He who crosses ocean twice without washing is dirty double crosser.
He who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.
He who has a sharp tongue cuts own throat.
He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
He who sleep on bed of nails is holy man.
He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.
House without toilet uncanny.

It takes many nails to make a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
If you turn oriental around, he become disoriented.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Man bobbing up and down in corn field is not planting grain.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Man who abuse computer get bad bytes.
Man who cooks carrots and peas in same pot, very unsanitary.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time.
Man who drop watch in whisky wasting time.
Man who eat cookie in bed wake up feeling crumby.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who eat many prunes sit on toilet many moons.
Man who eat photo of father, soon spitting image of father.
Man who eat sweets take up two seats.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.
Man who go to bed with diarrhoea wake up in deep shit.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger.
Man who has hand in pocket always on the ball.
Man who have circumcision lose foresight.
Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
Man who have hand in pockets not crazy, just feeling nuts.
Man who have head up ass, have crappy outlook on life.
Man who is basketball player dribbles before he shoots.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who kiss epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man who live in glass house dress in basement.
Man who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
Man who make love to woman on hill, not on level.
Man who marries girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man who pee on electric fence receive shocking news.
Man who pee through screen door, only straining himself.
Man who pulls on woman’s bra-strap get bust in mouth.
Man who put cream in tart not always baker.
Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who put wick into wrong candle get burned.
Man who read woman like book, prefer braille.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car, get tired.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who shoot off mouth, bound to lose face.
Man who sit on hot stove will rise again.
Man who sit on tack get point.
Man who sit on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Man who sleep like baby does not have one.
Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into own hands.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.
Man who tell one too many lightbulb joe-ks soon burn out.
Man who think he is Number One is next to nothing.
Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Man who wear short sleeved shirt supports right to bare arms.
Man who wish to make headlines should sleep on corduroy pillow.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man with chip on shoulder have wood higher up.
Man with forked tongue not need chop sticks.
Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with no legs bums around.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man’s mind is like parachute: work best when open.
Man’s most important senses: horse and common.

Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
Naked man fears no pick pocket.
Never raise hands to angry child - it leave groin exposed.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Passionate kiss like spider’s web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
People who make Confucius joe-ks speak bad English.

Sailor who get discharged from navy leave buddies behind.
Schoolboy who plays with schoolgirl during wrong period get caught red-handed.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
Smart man is like fish: keep mouth shut and stay out of trouble.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find nuts.
Streaker unsuited for his work.
Support bacteria - may be only culture some people have.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
To make egg roll, push it.
To prevent hangover stay drunk.
Two wrongs not make right, three lefts do.

Virgin like balloon - one prick, all gone.
Virginity like bubble - one prick and all gone.

War does not determine who is right - war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who fly airplane upside down have crackup.
Woman who go to man’s apartment for snack may get tit bit.
Woman who make love in treehouse put ass out on limb.
Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Woman who spring on innerspring this spring have offspring next spring.
Woman who wear G-string high on crack.
Worm that falls asleep in King Arthur’s apple will wake up in middle of knight.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Buddhist to hot dog vendor: “Make me one with everything.”

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