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Electoral College: Institute of higher yearning
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Dishtemper: What family members suffer from after dinner
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David And Goliath: Prophet and loss
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Colic: A sheep dog
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Canopy: A specimen for your urologist
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Blazer: A jacket that is on fire
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Badify: To make something worse
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Astronomer: Night watchman
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Apathy: Vigor mortis
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An angry dog is best led by its tail.
Unknown

The masses have little time to think. And how incredible is the willingness of modern man to believe.
Adolf Hitler

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
Unknown

Noah was a conspiracy theorist until it rained.
Vladimir Zelenko

It's always darkest just before the fridge door opens.
Phil Callaway

Laughter is the smile of God on a troubled world.
Phil Callaway

When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say.
George R Martin

Pressure is being unprepared.
Gene Smith

You can lead audiences to a half-dressed, aging pop star but you can't make them watch.
Megan Basham

There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.
JRR Tolkien

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it's empty.
African Proverb

When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind.
C S Lewis

Sunlight is the best of disinfectants.
Unknown

He lied through his teeth and even his teeth were false.
Phil Callaway

Don't catch a falling knife.
Trader's Saying

Pro Bozo Publico: Support your local clown
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Clown Shoes: Any item, person, or organization that can not be taken seriously
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Clown: A man who acts too natural
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Civilization: 1. The progress from shoeless toes to toeless shoes; 2. A process whereby one generation finds the questions to the previous generation’s answers; 3. A scheme devised by women to get men to work for them; 4. A system under which a man pays a quarter to park his car so he won’t be fined a dollar while eating a fifteen cent meal; 5. Just a slow process of getting rid of our prejudices; 6. A limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
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Fall: The season when your wife buys new winter clothes so she will have something to wear when she goes out shopping for spring outfits
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Successful Gossip Columnist: Top man on the quote 'em pole
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Success: 1. Failure with a fresh coat of paint; 2. Getting what you want (Happiness: wanting what you get); 3. Making more money to meet obligations you wouldn’t have if you didn’t make so much money; 4. Self-expression at a profit; 5. The ability to hitch your wagon to a star while keeping your feet on the ground; 6. The art of making your mistakes when nobody is looking; 7. The one unpardonable sin committed against one’s fellows; 8. The degree to which other people envy you; 9. The realization of the estimate which you place upon yourself; 10. The good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration, and inspiration; 11. Hanging on after others have let go; 12. If you want to succeed, double your failure rate.
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Social Success: The infinite capacity for being bored
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Sandwich: An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat
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Networks: What a successful shrimper says
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Howling Success: The baby that gets picked up
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Perseverance: A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success
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Book (Best Seller): The gilded tomb of a mediocre talent
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Reality: 1. The dream of a mad philosopher; 2. The leading cause of stress among those in touch with it; 3. The place where the pizza delivery man comes from; 4. Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
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Philosophy: 1. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing; 2. A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently; 3. Something that enables the rich to say there is no disgrace in being poor; 4. Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems; 5: Common sense in a dress suit; 6. At once the most sublime and the most trivial of human pursuits; 7. The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends; 8. A system of labeling and redefining our language to allow us to rescue the absurd; 9. Common sense of the next century; 10. Like a pigeon, something to be admired as long as it isn’t over your head.
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Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught
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Ketchup: 1. Motivation for the last runner in a race; 2. Come from behind; 3. What the runners behind in a race want to do; 4. The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right; 5. Command shouted at tomato that is slowest to ripen.
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Greyhound Trainer: A race cur driver
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Diatribe: 1. An extinct race; 2. The group of native Brits that worship the late Princess Diana.
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Breath: What winners of a race lose
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Parking Lot Attendant: Professional fender bender
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Operation: A surgical job taking minutes to do and years to describe
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Necrophilia: The uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one
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Masseuse: A woman who doesn't keep her hands to herself
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Lamb: An animal that gets more sheepish with age
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Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards
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Word Play
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