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Pro Bozo Publico: Support your local clown

Clown Shoes: Any item, person, or organization that can not be taken seriously

Clown: A man who acts too natural

Civilization: 1. The progress from shoeless toes to toeless shoes; 2. A process whereby one generation finds the questions to the previous generation’s answers; 3. A scheme devised by women to get men to work for them; 4. A system under which a man pays a quarter to park his car so he won’t be fined a dollar while eating a fifteen cent meal; 5. Just a slow process of getting rid of our prejudices; 6. A limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Fall: The season when your wife buys new winter clothes so she will have something to wear when she goes out shopping for spring outfits

Successful Gossip Columnist: Top man on the quote 'em pole

Success: 1. Failure with a fresh coat of paint; 2. Getting what you want (Happiness: wanting what you get); 3. Making more money to meet obligations you wouldn’t have if you didn’t make so much money; 4. Self-expression at a profit; 5. The ability to hitch your wagon to a star while keeping your feet on the ground; 6. The art of making your mistakes when nobody is looking; 7. The one unpardonable sin committed against one’s fellows; 8. The degree to which other people envy you; 9. The realization of the estimate which you place upon yourself; 10. The good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration, and inspiration; 11. Hanging on after others have let go; 12. If you want to succeed, double your failure rate.

Social Success: The infinite capacity for being bored

Sandwich: An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat

Networks: What a successful shrimper says

Howling Success: The baby that gets picked up

Perseverance: A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success

Book (Best Seller): The gilded tomb of a mediocre talent

Reality: 1. The dream of a mad philosopher; 2. The leading cause of stress among those in touch with it; 3. The place where the pizza delivery man comes from; 4. Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Philosophy: 1. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing; 2. A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently; 3. Something that enables the rich to say there is no disgrace in being poor; 4. Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems; 5: Common sense in a dress suit; 6. At once the most sublime and the most trivial of human pursuits; 7. The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends; 8. A system of labeling and redefining our language to allow us to rescue the absurd; 9. Common sense of the next century; 10. Like a pigeon, something to be admired as long as it isn’t over your head.

Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught

Ketchup: 1. Motivation for the last runner in a race; 2. Come from behind; 3. What the runners behind in a race want to do; 4. The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right; 5. Command shouted at tomato that is slowest to ripen.

Greyhound Trainer: A race cur driver

Diatribe: 1. An extinct race; 2. The group of native Brits that worship the late Princess Diana.

Breath: What winners of a race lose

Parking Lot Attendant: Professional fender bender

Operation: A surgical job taking minutes to do and years to describe

Necrophilia: The uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one

Masseuse: A woman who doesn't keep her hands to herself

Lamb: An animal that gets more sheepish with age

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards

Jeet: (Southern) Have you recently had a meal? Usage: 'Jeet yet?'

Impotience: Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription

Gastric Ulcer: Something you get mountain-climbing over mole hills

Fibula: A small lie

Endless Loop: See Loop, Endless

Demagogue: A politician who can rock the boat and persuade everyone else that they're in a terrible storm

Casserole: A method used by ingenious cooks to get rid of leftover leftovers

Bribery: Using money as a blindfold

Abdicate: 1. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach; 2. Strenuous labour.

Burned-Out Hippie: One who now takes antacids instead of acids

Mancation: A man's vacation. Generally includes lots of beer, a Redneck grill, slabs of meat for cooking and a sack of fireworks.

Char: Common method of cooking over a campfire

Railroads: Two backbones with a thousand ribs

Heckler: A guy who ribs you the wrong way

Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

BP: Company in Gulf of Mexico that turns your barbecue into a tarbecue.

Barbeque: 1. Long line waiting to buy a popular doll; 2. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he 'made the dinner.'

Plugthug: Someone who'd kill for access to recharging facilities

Revolt: Recharge a battery

Window: 1. A looking-out glass; 2. Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Truck Driver: 1. A man who has the opportunity to run into so many nice people; 2. A guy who goes the route.

Good Sportsmanship: Not picking up lost golf balls while they are still rolling

Doughnuts: 1. Rolling Scones; 2. The only nuts with holes in them.

Bandages: The Rolling Stones

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