Erma Bombeck Quotes from
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.

God created man, but I could do better.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I worry about scientists discovering someday that lettuce has been fattening all along.

Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

You should never have more children than you have car windows.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Children make your life important.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

My children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

Housework, if you do it right, can kill you.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

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