Groucho Marx Quotes from
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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

I'm 42 around the chest, 52 around the waist, 92 around the golf course, and a nuisance around the house.

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.
Animal Crackers, 1930

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

You go Uruguay, and I'll go mine.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.
Then we tried to remove the tusks...
But they were embedded so firmly we couldn't budge them.
Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa,
but that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera... the night I drank champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would had been more but you were wearing inner soles.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces.

You're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters.

You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

You have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses. On second thought, just let me cover your face.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money?
Answer the second question first.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you.
In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Why don't you bore a hole into your head and let the sap run out?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face.
That's the price she has to pay.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth".

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
But we're going back next week.

Time wounds all heels.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
So just what are time flies, and why do they fly like an arrow?

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him.
If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life.

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?

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