Joan Rivers Quotes from joe-ks.com
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Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Never floss with a stranger.

Forty to you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I was born in 1962. And the room next to me was 1963.

The easiest way to diminish the appearance of wrinkles is to keep your glasses off when you look in the mirror.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

She's so fat she's my two best friends. She wears stretch caftans. She's got more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

He who limps is still walking.

I don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor.

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