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When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions.

The air up there in the clouds is very pure and fine, bracing and delicious. And why shouldn't it be? It is the same the angels breathe.

When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade without further introduction.

The less I know about a subject, the more confidence I have; and the more light I throw on it.

I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the 'lower animals' (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humilitating to me.
Letters from the Earth

Never regret anything that made you smile.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have so much of it.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

The truth hurts, but silence kills.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

It has been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.

There are no people quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones.

If they hadn't landed there would be some reason for celebrating the fact.

I never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe.

A wise man does not waste so good a commodity as lying for naught.

Thrusting my nose firmly between his teeth, I threw him heavily to the ground on top of me.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made school boards.

The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation.

The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

I am only human, although I regret it.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

You aim for the palace and get drowned in the sewer.

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks - if we agree with him.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble.

It is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

Strange how little a while a person can be contented.

Well enough for old folks to rise early, because they have done so many mean things all their lives they can't sleep anyhow.

When a person cannot deceive himself, the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

Every person is a book, each year a chapter.

To eat is human, to digest, divine.

There is no way to find out why a snorer can't hear himself snore.

When some men discharge an obligation you can hear the report for miles around.

To a warden Utopia is an escape-proof jail.

My parents were neither very poor nor conspicuously honest.

As to the adjective, when in doubt, strike it out.

The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.

Few of us can stand prosperity - another man's, I mean.

Some German words are so long that they have perspective.

A habit cannot be tossed out the window. It must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.

Too much of anything is bad. Too much of good whisky is barely enough.

All dentists talk while they work. They have inherited this from their professional ancestors, the barbers.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

The joke was lost on the foreigner - guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.
The Innocents Abroad

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Pudd'nhead Wilson

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