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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The reason your golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so that you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

I asked the waiter, "Is this milk fresh?" He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."

A terrible thing happened to me last night again - nothing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

Some people might say, "Who would want to be 90?" And I say, "Anyone who is 89."

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

My photographs don't do me justice – they just look like me.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There's a dead bird." He looked up.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

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