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Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

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